Revelations

Its odd how things can sneak up on you...

I grew up abused, its a simple fact, its a part of who I am. My mother wasn't all there, she made bad choices for both herself and myself and my siblings. My stepfather was an asshole, enough said. Together they did some serious damage to me in multiple ways. And what they didn't destroy in my self image foster parents later took care of. Its a horrible thing to live with, questioning nearly everything, wondering if you are a good person, if you should be held to blame for sins you did not commit. Its amazing the amount of guilt and fear a person can carry with them.

But I have had a revelation, I don't know why, I can't put my finger on just one thing that caused it.

I am good. I am strong and beautiful. I may not follow conventional beauty perhaps, at least not the American view of it but I'm tall and curvy, I carry my weight well and I take good care of myself for the most part. I have a few health issues that I've put off fully dealing with but I'm going to face them head on now, there's no reason not to take care of myself to the best level I can, because you know what? I deserve it. I should care about myself enough to take care of myself, to do little pampering things like lingering in bubble baths, getting great hair cuts and thinking about what I eat. I should dance, whenever I want to, because the human body is beautiful in movement. I have gorgeous hair, lively eyes, clear skin, tempting lips and a body that's curvy enough to draw stares in a good way.

I'm not going to be ignoring that anymore, I'm going to embrace myself, all of myself and know that even the bad parts are good in a way, for they are what make me who I am. They are me. And if they are 'bad' then I will improve, I will work to do better. No scars, on my skin or elsewhere are going to keep me from enjoying my life.

I will wear make up just when I want to, I will play around with it and treat my face like a canvas. I will wear high heels and walk in a way that I know drives my Love crazy. I'll dress how I want to and not worry about being different. I will laugh and enjoy myself.

I'm rambling a bit now...but yeah...

I am a good person. I am a strong person. I have every right to enjoy my life and savor where I am, to reach for more. I got myself out of the abusive situation I grew up in. I got myself out of Bitch Foster Mother's when she ignored me, because I deserve so much more then being ignored. I am a glorious, beautiful and creative woman. I am a artist. I deserve attention, I deserve the praise I earn with my art. I am an artist and a good one, I work hard and I will be amazing one day. I'll be famous even, just watch. I'll be published as an author, I'll do the graphic novels I want to, I'll be so good people will be inspired by me. I'll travel the world and see everything I possibly can.

I can do anything I set my mind to.

People now try to tell us now that we should be happy with what we have, that the world is a lot more locked in in ways it wasn't before. That the only ways to really make it big is to be in computers or business. Bullshit. That's a lie. And perhaps not that many artists succeed but I'm a hard worker and I will get there. I got myself out of my past, I can do anything now. I have every right to embrace my life and love it. I have an amazing man who loves me and I him. I feel so....comfortable and confident now. I don't need to apologize for what I lived through or for who I've chosen to be. I don't have to apologize for anything, I don't really have any reason to be insecure. I'm flourishing as an artist, as a writer, as a person. I'm writing and reading, I'm painting and learning, I'm growing up so much and as I near my 21 birthday I know only a lust for life, for all it can give me.

The world lays before me and you better believe I'm going to take every thing I can, I'm going to shine bright, like the Heliotrope I am in my heart. And who knows, I might even get a tattoo one day :)

Life :)

Why oh why can I never keep up with this? It is funny though, I've written more blogs this year then any other year, they just don't happen to be on a regular basis. I guess its because life is so full and busy, its not like I have a lot of free time in which I'm not doing anything. I guess I use to be a lot more lonely. Love changed that though, or rather my Love did. He's so wonderful.

So what's been up....school, pretty much. I am really enjoying my classes still, feeling like I'm learning a lot but they are massively challenging, in a good way usually. I have grown a lot in drawing backgrounds, no longer afraid of them that's for sure, Perspective has taken care of that. I near about lost it this past week though with two point vertical perspective though, I couldn't wrap my head around it at all. Its so mathematical, the class is really hard but I'm still doing okay. Currently I have all Bs so I have hope for the rest of the semester. I am so happy to be growing as an artist, and I have so many new ideas and things I want to do with my art, only if I get the time huh?

Outside of school....I'm living with my Love and things are going really well. Though I'm not actually with him right now, visiting a friend actually. My Phileigh, I adore her. She gave me a 'vaca' away from everything in Dallas so I could breath and think things through, consider where I am in life and where I want to be. Its been really good for me and really good for my Love and I. We are stronger then ever for it, the space was needed but now I can't wait to get back to him, to be in his arms again. Light and Lady I miss him. And his smell, his arms, his voice. Everything about the amazing man who stole my heart. He still is very much Mon Voleur.

Phi and I really bonded and its wonderful to have a girl friend that I feel so at ease with. I didn't realize before how important it was to have someone that actively gets after you to voice your opinion. We fight, yeah, we don't always agree, but we love each other and even when we have our fights we are still good, still close. It makes me so happy and I value the weeks I got to spend with her. I'll miss her.

Lots of new things with my Love, we have been figuring out our relationship more, figuring out how to be together and balance reality and fantasy, desire and practicality. We've been talking about paganism too, which is pretty exciting and I feel so good to have a higher power to pray to that I can actually believe in. I feel more like myself then I have in awhile,  now to just reclaim my sensuality, which I believe he will be helping me with. We are also planning to get involved in the local scene, which while a bit nerve wracking is exciting as well.

My role playing has gone down to almost nothing, I've been spending my time on school work or my novel or my Love. trying to get back into it a bit more but not worried about it that much. My other site, KV has been taking up a lot of my life. I got a leadership position, Dowayne of the Heliotrope House and its really wonderful. I feel like by finding that Heliotrope is my House I found out so much about myself, so many amazing things. I'll talk more about that in a minute. Its been involved to work out how to set up the House, getting everything we need up. For right now its only really me and Phi, our other House sister is pretty much absent. I also had my Bidding, my first assignation won by my Temptation or Jadeh no Jasmine. Fitting that a Jasmine should get my assignation I think, Lady knows how much I've fallen in love with that whole House even though its so very not me. I have a waiting list of like 12 people for patrons too, which is a bit astounding. Our House should be growing soon happily, my Love is choosing it along with I think perhaps my Soul Twin Iza.

I've gotten close to so many wonderful amazing people. And I'm going to England after all in Jan. to see Jadeh so that should be a blast! My Love and I are both pretty close to a male on KV as well, A. I'll call him, and we'll hopefully be coming to see us for my Love's birthday.

Back on the subject of Heliotrope....I can see a lot of Houses in me, Camellia (perfection) probably second, and then Eglantine (artist) and Balm (healers) and Valerian (submissive) and so on. But Heliotrope....its me. That intensity, that hold nothing back personality. I feel like I understand so much better my strengths and weaknesses now. I see with more clarity in the world around me. I also feel like I know more what I'm worth and most importantly that I have worth. That the way I am, while different and odd, is actually part of what makes me so special and amazing and what has drawn so many of my friends on KV to me. I'm glorious, beautiful, special. I shine because of who I am, what my soul is. And I love the way I love and that is okay.

I can give everything of myself and not be afraid with a few special people. Others I have to be more wary of, and that's okay. I think I'm learning how to care without falling in love, how to still be wary and careful with my heart.

Because even though I don't always feel like it...I'm special, I'm sacred, I'm beautiful. And no one can take the sunlight I bask in.

Grrh. Just Grrh.

I am so so frustrated right now, frustrated and depressed and just...grrh.

School this semester is hard, just plain freaking hard. I knew it was coming with Color and Design but Perspective is hard too and just...gah. Master wanted to go back and visit family in Alabama that he missed and I went with him, I really didn't know if it was a good idea or not. Turns out it wasn't for school, we didn't have internet, I lost whole days to traveling and other things. I didn't have a good workspace. Its just been a struggle. Granted outside of school work it was wonderful, we finally reconnected in a way I was worried we couldn't anymore.

Still it lead me to deciding that I need to drop a class, Italian, I just can't have three hard classes a semester. It just is a bad idea. I was loosing my sanity even with the help of a Italian friend.

But now I'm home and I have a lot to do still, a full weeks worth pretty much because I could do hardly anything in Alabama. I have four days to do it in and I just feel frustrated, overwhelmed and still depressed. I guess I haven't fully shaken that off yet. Who knows. I tried doing my color mixing today for my color roughs and failed, epically and now I just want to cry. I can't do this, or at least it feels that way, I just can't succeed at this and its driving me crazy.

I know that if I can just get myself to calm down and focus I might be able to but...its hard. And the warm fuzzies of the visit are already dying. Master took me telling him something as me snapping, he wants to go out to go grocery shopping and such. I feel like I can't take any more time away from school work regardless of the fact that there are things we need to do. I don't see why he can't do them though and leave me to focus on school which I neglected for so long because I was with him. Its midterms and I feel like I'm barely hanging on here and yet...I don't feel like he's being supportive at all. Its probably just me, he probably doesn't even get why I don't want to leave the apartment after just getting home, he probably doesn't understand why I'm so frustrated. Or maybe he does and I'm just caught up in my own head space.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with school, it costs so much and its so hard, I love it yeah but...still.

I've shut myself up in the bedroom, locked the door even because yes, I want to be left alone that much. I love him, so very much and things have improved a lot over the past week while we were in Alabama. But I can't help but be frustrated when he wants to go out and do things when I have stuff I need to do badly. He might be very well doing school work himself, or something important but he still haven't gone looking for a job, and honestly that's stressful to me. I know he will, I know he'll take care of me but it still stresses me. I'm starting to wonder what in the world doesn't stress me now. I feel like I'm just a bundle of stress these days.

He's been amazing lately, making me relax and remember to laugh and enjoy things; he's the man I fell in love with and so much more at the same time. He certainly keeps in mind who I am more then other people. I'm sick of people saying one thing and doing another, of feeling like I have no place in their life, that I'm readily replaced. That's probably why I've been spending less and less time on E lately and more time on KV where people make me feel welcomed, celebrated and loved. Its just painful to be on E, just makes the depression worse.

I feel like I'm fighting against letting everything go, everything darkening, depressing. I hate that. I know things aren't that bad, that I can own my paper and knock out things quickly. I mean its not like it should take me overly long to write a paper about thumbnails but...its just hard to even get myself started. And I'm rambling and angry and hurt and just....~sighs~ today is one of those days I just want to re do or sleep away.

To Do List

Perspective
- Re ink and develop week 5's work
- Apply lighting to it
- Redo the lighting for week 2
- Reading
  - Session Pages
- Quiz

Color and Design
- Redo Color matching
   - in progress shots
- Color Roughs - 2 by Monday
- Discussion
- Quiz

Communication for the Artist
- Research paper
- Outline paper
- Write paper
- Discussion
- Read session pages
-Quiz

A Tale to Tell

This apparently isn't what my professor wanted for the assignment but I like it so much I'm going to post it here.

I am a dreamer, full of tales and fancies, of all the promises of a mind fruitful and flourishing, the path to this point was not an easy one. My tale is not uncommon, ordinary in its basics truly as most stories are when you spin them down to that level; it is, as ever with stories, the particulars and the people that define it. There are in fact few times that you hear of art being encouraged, embraced as a life choice by the ‘parents’ in a person’s life. Though in my tale I didn’t have even typical parents cast in that role, no the plot and roles in my life have ever been more convoluted then that. 

Always have I had an affinity for stories of fancy and delight, fairytales my favorite things to read even after the younger years had passed; it is there that I first found the knowledge that a story can be told many many ways, though the basic remains the same, and those stories and their retellings, their twists I loved, I allowed to fill my thoughts for it was easier then the reality that I lived in. When there is no safety in life retreating to books was how I found hope, how I dreamed of a life I never thought would be my own. Art though, for me, was never of true interest when I was younger; I did of course draw in the margins of my notebooks, odd designs, clothing ideas, the normal fancies of a young girl. I enjoyed coloring as a young child but it was never anything I felt was for me; no in a life full of turmoil like my childhood I hid myself snugly in the safety of school books and practicality, and when I allowed myself to dream it was of the tales I read in novels, the stories of far off places that would never touch my real life. I had nothing to say, to share of the images in my head. I remember though, that first turning of the tide, and such a small thing it was too, a poem. I wrote it in fifth grade, discovering with all the joy of an explorer in uncharted lands; apparently I too had stories to tell, things to weave my words.

Life moved forward from there, a passion for writing and narrative discovered but never did I consider it as a future of mine, not in that I could simply spin stories and the images of my mind out on paper, in prose or art, and have others interested. No I was more focused on the practical path of journalism, of sharing what was already there and perhaps showing some of what other people missed. I have always seen depths in things most people dismiss but perhaps that is simply the way I view the world, soaking in all the details I possibly could and fascinated with what I found. Even in journalism though, now I realize, I wanted to tell a story and encourage people to look at things in new and different ways. I don’t believe I have ever or will ever loose that desire.

The one fancy of passion I did allow myself was dancing, oh how I loved it. It is a simple sort of magic to have trained your body to respond to cues, to sink into its depths and move as you have practiced over and over. It was there, in those movements, that I found a peace to block out the uncertainty of my world and sink into what was simply ‘me’ with no apologies for what that was. I fear I apologized too often and too much for who I was once, apologies pressed for, ripped from me as if it were a sin to live and breath. Many things were ripped away from me and there was no true certainty in my life, not with my mother and stepfather, nor with my aunt after I pleaded to stay with her, nor with the foster parents she placed me with when she couldn’t handle the stains my childhood had left on me. And those foster parents changed as well, twelve foster homes in all, counted with deepening desperation and an aching heart. Eight of them, eight homes through high school.

I go ahead of myself though, for dancing did not carry me through those homes, it too was lost to me. At times, thinking of it I feel that when I finally fled my ‘parents’ as society would deem them that I threw myself over board a sinking ship to be tossed about by the waves, each time I thought I had grasped hold of a flotation and could rest my weary self it was torn from me and I cast back into the mercy of the waves. A mercy that there was little of. Even dancing was lost to the tempest of my life, through a snowboarding accident that weakened my ankles too much for me to continue on pointe. And so the one frail dream that had been mine, that escape, was put away and other things ruled my life, school was my focus and books my escape.

The loss of my dancing hit me hard, followed by the death of a close friend who had been my light in the darkness passion guttered and fled and I sank beneath the waves of the storm lost in depression and apathy. My foster parents at the time were not pleased; I no longer had the gloss of ‘perfect’ in their minds, no longer able to act out the drama that filled their desires. I was placed back into the system, adoption forgotten; first my aunt and then the people who had had the papers to take me as their own. I learned well then the cost of my weakness and secreted away as well I could the affects of my post traumatic stress disorder. The storm, on the surface calmed and I sank into the only safety that was left to me, school. There is a simplicity there, truly, in classes like History and English where you memorize the facts and rules and hold them close; like dancing almost though it was a duller dance, stark black and white to the host of colors from before.

Art found me then, forced on me again but in a way I could not get out of, the school required a visual or performing art. Choir was not for me, nor drama due to my shyness and awkwardness before people, that left only art and the guidance counselor placed me in it that very fall. I expected to hate it. Instead I found Mrs. Bee with her sunny smile and optimism, her love for pugs and laughter, her honest belief of art moving lives. She changed mine. I found then that there was a way to express myself without words and in a way no one could belittle, at least not with full understanding. Art is what you make it, and that is what I fell in love with first. I could make a picture and while it would mean one thing to me its ‘story’ would be vastly different to another person. So I poured myself into art then, all the fears, all the longing, the hopes and dreams I had forgotten I still had hidden inside me, almost as if they were a flame I had secreted in a lantern to keep it from the wind. At first I found myself preferring simply color pencils and line, then I fell in love with paint, with telling stories with symbolism and the like; my senior project was centered around different ways to interpret the Tarot. For me art has ever been a way to tell a story, and I suppose that is what is at my core, the stories I love, the stories I hold, to tell with dance, with writing, with art.

Art though was not welcomed into my life, not by the varied foster parents that passed in and out of my life, not by the one biological aunt who remained a part of it, it was not practical, it was not for me, I was smarter, or worse. It was a dream that I learned to contain and hide just as I did any other weakness.  But one part of the dream came true, a scholarship and court approval granted to let me attend a summer experience at the Academy, to find that I had joy and hope still bright in my heart, I truly fell in love with art that summer, and I found so many new parts of myself that had never been given room to flourish before. It was over too soon though, and practicality, what people expected, closed in around me again. I have always had this need to prove myself as worthy through what I do, art did not get approval and so I left it, choosing another path to take.

Having driven myself so hard in high school and worked hard on my essay and applications I got into every school I applied to, a world opened to me, I chose a small school on the east coast. It wasn’t for me though, in time I realized however good I was at juggling things, however ‘brilliant’ I was at what I was doing I was not happy. The passion was missing, oh there was some, the passion to prove myself and earn praise for how much I could do and so well, but it was a dimmer flame. And it was then that I discovered a hidden gem within my own life, a hero(ine) stumbling into a answer on her quest of life; I had family now that I had met after graduation who would support me whatever I chose, who encouraged me to choose for what my heart desired. Loosened some from the coils of my fears and issues I chose to transfer from my first college to the Academy, thoughts of the summer experience there like a temptation I could not ignore. Unlike in the traditional fairytale though this decision did not make life easier, at least not at first, there was no magic wand waved here; rather I took myself from something I was nearly effortlessly good at and placed myself into a position where I was only average among many. I had not expected the hardship of that.

English, history, languages and facts, those had always come readily to me, I am ‘academic’ and I was easily the best in any classroom before the Academy, or if I was not I pushed myself frantically until I was. Art was something else, it was not something I could simply be good at because I had a clever mind and a good memory, it pushed me hard to actually pay attention to the world around me, to come out of the careful walls I built around myself. It taught me how to accept criticism and not wilt under it, but grow, not all failures are bad, for you learn and adapt. I struggled so hard that first semester, charcoal maddening and impossible it seemed, my own skills far lacking compared to others; but for that now I am thankful, here is the true adversity that taught me things I needed to know. Challenges and hardships I have faced before but those taught me how to be strong when the world was falling apart, how to build myself up and move forward, art taught me other things, kinder lessons, gentle things that lay in the heart of a person. Art taught me to cherish myself, to see what I could do and be proud of it. I do not compare myself to others anymore, do not need to be the best. I realized my self worth could not be tied into how I performed in school, at least not all of it to be sure. And I worked, oh I worked pouring myself into my assignments and giving everything I could to them. In that I found the ability to sink into myself as I had with dancing, to the very heart of ‘me’. I still thought I would fail, that I would realize that art was in fact not for me, I could not make the cut, I was, as ever it seemed in my life, not good enough. And then I truly was shocked when I managed to pull above average grades, when I didn’t fail, all my hard work had truly meant something, truly struggling with school for once had had its purpose, in more ways then one.

I learned something there, that first semester as a art student, and it was a lost truth coming home to take my heart, one I had ignored for most of my life. That semester I pushed myself hard, I loathed my incompetence and wanted more then I could give at first. But in that I pushed myself farther then even I myself realized and when I finally stood up for my final review I knew that I had done everything I possibly could, there was no lack of time or effort or attention given to my work. All that I was I had committed whole heartedly. And it was then that I learned to let it go, because there was nothing more I could do; it was done.  It did not matter if I was not the best in a class, nor the worst, it did not matter what I get on an assignment; the fact remains that who I am is still that ‘core’ I sank down into to work. And that self has stories to tell and art to give, an imagination teeming with promise that will be fulfilled, one day. Once you have done all you can, let go, surrender to what it is, it is done; move on, grow like a flower reaching toward the sun. I have savored the unfurling of my petals.

            Thus the revelation of the heroine, the quest for purpose sought and found, or rather the first piece of it. Art, like life, is a never ending journey, changing constantly, the true Never Ending Story; other revelations found their ways to me, glimmers of the person that I was if I would allow myself to be. I strayed farther and farther from the path I had set so neatly before myself, changing majors again to be truly what I have been called to, Illustrator now my sought title. It is better then Princess I think. And so a tale that is not that different from others, for all lives have their tales, their quests and revelations, life moves and we with it. But now I no longer fear for the worthiness of the stories I want to tell, do not doubt that my view of the same stories, spun out over and over, will be good enough to stand. The girl who found release in dancing, who found escape in books, wed to the one who found her own sanity in her art and saw it as a way to share a brighter world. So I will tell my stories, paint them, write them, cherish them and share them.

            I am a dreamer, I am a artist, a heroine of my own tale. And I will be a Illustrator.

This Week's To Do List

Ah I am soooo boring that all I post on here now is this, I promise to post more interesting stuff soon!






Perspective
- Homework
  - Homework 2 - Atmospheric Perspective Drawing Final
- Discussion Topics
  - Analyze the atmospheric drawings
- Videos to Watch
  - Video Demo 4.1: Atmospheric Part I
  - Video Demo 4.2: Atmospheric Part II
- Reading
  - Session Pages
- Quiz

Color and Design
- Exercises
  - Type Exercise 3: Expressing yourself through type
  - Type Exercise 4: Selecting typefaces for specific contexts
  - Type Exercise 5: Looking at type usage and collecting samples
- Homework
  - Homework 4.1: Notebook Page 4: Psychology of color and shape
  - Homework 4.2: Notebook Page 5: Analogous Portrait
  - Homework 4.3: Optional Assignment : Monochromatic Portrait
- Discussion Topics
  - Conversation 4&5-
    - Psychology of color and shape
- Videos to Watch
  - Five demo videos
- Reading
  - Session Pages
- Quiz

Communication for the Artist
- Assignments
  - Artist's Autobiography - Rough Draft submit for instructor review
- Discussion Topics
  - Topic 4.1 - The Hidden Virtues of Writing
  - Topic 4.2 - Totally, Like, Whatever You Know?
- Reading
  - Session Pages
  - Book Reading
- Quiz

Italian
- Language Lab
  - 4.1 Language Lab: Describe your day in Italian, ask classmates questions
- Discussion Topics
  - Topic 4.1: Proverbio della Settimana: (optional) Chi ha la mamma sua non piange mai.
  - Topic 4.2: What is the song, È Delicato, about? Try to write in Italian!
  - Topic 4.3: Che cosa ti piace fare nel tempo libero? (In italiano per favore!)
- Written Assignment
  - Assignment 4.1 - Write about something you do with friends, your family does without you, and something that a close friend does.
- Reading
  - Session pages
  - Avanti book reading.
- Quiz
- Daily Italian work

Weekly To Do List

Perspective
- Homework
  - Homework 3 : Thumbnails - 24 good ones
- Discussion Topics
  - The Uses of Thumbnails
- Videos to Watch
  - Demo 3.1: Atmospheric Thumbnails
- Reading
  - Session Pages
- Quiz

Color and Design
- Exercises
  - Type Exercise 2: Type Classification References
- Homework
  - Notebook Page 3: Color Wheel
- Discussion Topics
  - Conversation about Design
- Videos to Watch
  - Color Wheel - Primary Colors
  - Color Wheel - Secondary Colors Green
  - Color Wheel - Secondary Colors Violet
  - Color Wheel - Secondary Colors Orange
  - Color Wheel - Recap
  - Color Wheel - Mounting
- Reading
  - Session Pages
- Quiz

Communication for the Artist
- Exercises
  - Writing Exercise 3.1: Daily free writing.
- Homework
  - Peer Review of Artist Autobiography
- Discussion Topics
  - Thoughts on Essay
- Reading
  - Session Pages
  - Book Reading - The Elements of Style pgs. 30-40
- Quiz 

Italian
- Language Lab
  - 3.1 Language Lab - leave a voicemail
- Assignments
 - Assignment 3.2 Describe a person in your field of study. 
- Discussion Topics
  - Topic 3.1 - Proverbio della settimana: Lontano dagli occhi, lontano dal cuore.
  - Topic 3.2: After you have watched the video clip Al Cinema in Sessions 2 and 5, share what you understood. Correct each other if you think someone may have made a mistake.
- Reading
  - Session pages
  - Avanti book reading.
- Quiz 
-Daily Italian time

You're Still You

I really am no good at coming up with names for blogs, never have been but ah, it is what it is. I keep meaning to blog regularly, even made a plan to freewrite each day but it seems like I can never actually stick to the schedule I write out for myself completely and the thing that gets put aside the most is my writing simply because I wish to do a good job and not something half assed.

Life is so busy, its incredible and maddening at the same time.

I love my school, I love my classes, well outside of Italian this semester, and I love my life, where I am right now. I'm sitting on one of the couches in my living room in my apartment. Yup, my apartment. It still feels so strange to think of a place as 'mine' or even 'ours'; my Love has given me so much and the most valuable thing after his love is the fact that I have a home now, something that no one can take away from me as long as we stay here. Its my place, I can be alone or invite people over, I have privacy and company, I am finally not a guest or a burden, not a charge handed off like so much baggage. Its truly an incredible feeling and I actually like taking care of it.

I'm really happy with how I set up the living room, I hum as I clean the kitchen, I smile when I settle into my 'office' space to work on school work.

So life is good, really good for the most part. Oh there are money worries and school stresses and frustrations, namely with that damn Italian class, but its nothing horrible, its pretty 'normal'. Sometimes lately I've worried about having lost myself, about not knowing anymore who I really am, at least I don't have such a defined notion of myself as I use to. Talking to my Aunt P yesterday though, a bit about that, about how much I've grown and changed, I realized that it isn't a bad thing that I can't fit myself into a definition anymore, that it just means that I'm more 'whole' if that makes sense. There are no words to truly describe a person in full, no way to express to their very soul who and what they are, and seeking that I'm doomed to fail. I have changed a lot since high school and I'll keep changing and growing over the next few years, over the rest of my life years and years in the future. And I welcome it.

I realize now that life isn't about an end destination, it isn't about achieving a goal and then stopping. The me in high school didn't. I wanted to go to college to prove I could and actually do something with my life, I wanted to see the world, help others and then hopefully pass away. A neat little to do list but not exactly realistic, life is never that neat, you can't control the world and other people, all you have is yourself.

I guess I viewed life as being only one painting and once I reached a certain point I would just be done. life though is a succession of paintings, each more beautiful and deep and colorful then the next. I look forward to the future now, to the long years that still wait me with all the promise of aging like a good wine, I want to be full and lucious with life, something to tempt the senses and stir memories. I look forward to being 'refined'. Each day, each week, each month and year is just another step forward on the journey that is life and though I don't know where it ends anymore I want to embrace it and let it help me grow, let me learn and live and savor that living.

I'm...looser now. I don't have that neat little checklist of 'to do's', no set career path outside of something in Illustration, no huge goal looming as the end all be all of my life. I have instead a major in Illustration and the amazing growth as an artist to look forward to, I have a wedding to plan and the world to see, I have all the chances and choices I don't even know of yet just waiting there for me. I don't know where I'm going to end up but for once, you know, I'm okay with that. And I do know, no matter how far I go from this apartment where our lives started together one thing from here will remain the same, I'll have my Love, and at the end of the day that's all that matters.

I do sometimes miss that knowing of myself though, knowing that I was this, this and this, and that when I was each thing I was a certain way. Now there isn't really a sectionalized part of myself, I am myself, all the time, I don't slip into each role that I have one at a time. Sometimes I struggle to balance all the differing parts of myself, I mean the biggest parts are the student and the lover. But its hard sometimes to find time to be submissive, to slip into that part of myself to the depth that I want to, or to be simply the writer or any number of other things. But that's life no? Compromise that is.

Still I want to find parts of myself I've neglected and tend to them, just as I want to tend to my art and my writing, I want to make sure that as I grow I don't loose any of those aspects I so cherish and feel have opened my life up in amazing ways.

At the end though...I'm still me, regardless. And Josh Gorban is an amazing singer :)

To Do List for the Week

I'm going to start posting these up everyweek, it helps me keep a goal in mind and well..yeah where better to post it then on my blog huh? Anyway, below is the insanity that steals my life.


Perspective
- Exercises
  - Exercise 2.1: Applying Local Light and Sunlight to Isometric Boxes [not done]
  - Exercise 2.2: Adding Sunlight to an Isometric Object [not done]
- Homework
  - Homework 2: Plot Form and Cast Shadows [not done]
- Discussion Topics
  - Analyze the values/shading [not done]
- Videos to Watch
  - Demo 2.1: Isometric Layouts - Local Light [not done]
  - Demo 2.2: Isometric Layouts - Sunlight [not done]
- Reading
  - Session Pages [not done]
- Quiz [not done]

Color and Design
- Exercises
  - Roughs for Focal Point Design [not done]
- Homework
  - Notebook Page 2: Focal Point Design [not done]
- Discussion Topics
  - Conversation 2 - not up yet
- Videos to Watch
  - Focal Point Design : How to Begin [not done]
  - Focal Point Design : Design Considerations [ not done]
  - Focal Point Design : Final Execution [not done]
- Reading
  - Session Pages [not done]
- Quiz [not done]

Communication for the Artist
- Exercises
  - Writing Exercise 2.1: Daily free writing.
- Homework
  - First Draft of Artist Autobiography
- Discussion Topics
  - Topic 2.1 - Read the Artistic Manifesto's given and write about the one you identify with.
- Reading
  - Session Pages [not done]
  - Book Reading - The Elements of Style pgs. 15-29 [not done]
- Quiz [not done]

Italian
- Language Lab
  - 2.1 Language Lab: Basic Personal Information. [not done]
- Discussion Topics
  - Topic 2.1 - Proverbio (optional):  Non c’è due senza tre. [not done]
  - Topic 2.2: In “Donna invisibile”, what is Caterina thinking about on the bus? [not done]
  - Topic 2.3: What did you understand in the reading about Gaetano Castelli? [not done]
- Reading
  - Session pages [not done]
  - Avanti book reading. [not done]
- Quiz [not done]


Well I suppose its not too bad, if I actually get my Italian supplies this week. Grrh I can't believe my books are still not here, so frustrating! But life moves on and there is plenty to do, lets just hope I can do it.

Rambles Take One

There are little things that can hurt.

You know its silly really, things that no other other then you might pay attention, things that in the end probably really don't matter. But they can hurt a lot. Its often little ones, nothing large but still. Sometimes for me those little things build and build, like layers of paint on a canvas until the color that I was, the shape that was there once, is covered by that hurt and its something new, a awkward shape in the canvas. For me, with the way my thoughts never cease its easy to lets those build up but I tend to be just as good at trimming then down, smoothing them out before anyone realizes that something isn't okay with me. I'm a master at hiding the little things.

Most of the people close to me would argue that I'm not, that I'm easily readable. But that's just because they don't realize just how OCD I can be, just how stupid and silly and how much of that I keep to myself to try and appear stronger, better.

Stupid I know.

I'm trying though, to be honest, to offer up the truth of myself but I can't help it when no one pays attention to what I try to say. I'm such much better at typing words then speaking them sometimes, I don't know why but the words will freeze on my tongue and not leave it, I'll be stuck and lost in my own head. It happens all too often. I want to get better and I try but its a fight only I can take like so much else in life.

I have realized I can take care of myself a lot more then most people think, I got myself an apartment and I've budgeted out the money for it. I've started classes and I'm working hard with my perfectionist streak to turn in work early and at a high level. I want to be good, I want to be strong, I need to be because I've realized I don't know how not to be. I want to go back to that place inside me, where I can submit and surrender over my thoughts, when my mind for once goes silent and the world fades away. But its harder and harder to find that place, to take the path to that secret depth of the wood where I am simply myself. Perhaps its because myself is changing, becoming something different, something other.

I don't know, and I guess you never can.

So I keep my brush in hand, working hard at the life I have around me, adding touches here and there in the canvas of my landscape. I've faded out some other parts though, I'm not as social as I was this summer, I'm quieter, more withdrawn. Perhaps that's part of getting back to myself, to my haven within my mind. I hope so. School is intense already, its eating up my life and wears me out; I honestly just get up thinking about school and what I need to do for it and then spend the day trying to accomplish it. Yesterday was okay, fun, with family. I laughed a lot, I haven't done that in a bit so it was good. The aunt and I talked about wedding plans but the Love didn't seem too overly interested in talking about it though he liked the possible venue we found. Wedding stuff is girl stuff I suppose.

This is something new, what I'm doing now, see I am so often busy and stressed and when I try to sit and write a blog nothing comes, I feel like I have nothing eloquent or important to say. So now I'm using the Write or Die thing and just typing for dear life for 15 minutes. To see all that would come out. So far 653 words. I only meant to do 250. I am going to try and do this every day though, I think it will be good for me to pen out the thoughts that fill me and try to express some of what I fail so miserably at saying most of the time.

I feel unattractive, non sexual, slipping back into the self loathing state at least in how I look. I think part of it is frustration with trying to loose weight and failing, the worry of how the hell I can get on my thyroid pills without messing with my residancy and risking my scholarship/grant money. The other part is that I just don't seem to arouse the people I use to, I'm boring I guess, too vanilla. My tastes have never been as dark as some but now I feel as if I would be doing a better service to fade into the wall paper then actually be around the ones I use to excite. I am nothing, just a shell of the nympho girl that use to be, god I remember when sex was all I wanted to do all day. Now I feel awkward about it, about touching others, I don't know what's happening or why, not really. I just ... numb but not, because I know it and it frustrates me to the point of crying. I want to retake my sexuality, to reclaim the sensual being I was for so long but I don't know how to reach that girl anymore, nor the one that so eagerly opened her heart to so many people.

Now I just feel like the safest thing to do is to slip into the schedule for school, work, work more, refine, push, get better. Eat, work, sleep, work. Its easier that way, things hurt less. I find no Muse to burn my mind up with writing or lust, there's just...yeah. Maybe its depression? I don't know I haven't had a downswing in a while, well not too long ago but still, it has been a bit and its not like it normally is. Usually I just don't want to do anything at all when I get depressed, now I'm clinging to my school work obsessively and working.

I guess that's what it all comes down to, everything I've written here. I just don't know anymore, I don't know myself, I'm without my normal boundaries, I don't have a set plan for my degree, I don't have a firm plan for anything right now. Nothing to move me forward in life outside of school. So school, once again is the safe place, is what I can sink into until the rest of the world isn't as scary and hard anymore.

Though I sort of doubt the world will ever be that way so maybe I'll just fade out..

The Big Move

The big move.

I have been with my Love for nearing two years now, hard to believe sometimes and others, usually, it feels like he’s always been there, always been a part of me. We started out long distance, he in Alabama and I in California, and I was so sure it was impossible, that nothing would ever come from it. I’ve seen people try long distance before and not often does it work out or ever translate into something in real life.

Mine has however.

This past weekend I have been noticeably absent from my normal online haunts. That is partly my fault, issues with getting internet service set up, but also the fact that we have been moving in together. It’s a lot more work then one would think, certainly more then I thought.

We have this apartment together now, a two bedroom place to call ours. Its ours, its not his family’s home or mine, its not a hotel, its not a friend’s house. After always visiting, never staying we finally have a home together. And its wonderful.

I love the apartment, I really do, though there are a few things that I’d like management to fix. Like the shower guard left on in the master bath or the kitchen drawer that likes to fall off its runners. But they are small things, small issues, over all I’m thrilled. Exhausted but thrilled. We’ve got most of the furniture set up in the master bedroom, our first focus after the kitchen was handled. Last night we found some issues with the cable that is going to be fixed today hopefully but that’s fine.

Our first dinner in the apartment was two nights ago now, and we don’t have a table. I had made French bread pizza and I found this small in table type thing, clearly meant just to be at the side of something. But I brought it into our huge kitchen and got two chairs. Bistro style almost. We had lemonade with the pizza and it was a delicious and wonderful meal, we talked about things and just relaxed together.

Yesterday was errands and lunch with friends. He made chili when we got back and oh was it divine (from someone who usually doesn’t like chili!), though was waited for till dinner time. The TV wouldn’t work in the bedroom, but in the living room so we set up an area to sit out there and ate watching food network. We bought this recipe booklet the other day in WalMart, full of bacon recipes, something we both love. We went over which ones we liked and didn’t and then we talked about a menu for the week. I loved it. It was completely wonderful.

This morning he woke me up

This weekend hasn’t been all honeymoon glow though, not by far. I started my period Saturday morning just before we had to start moving furniture and after a three month absence it descended upon me with vengeance. It still hasn’t let up either. And I banged up my foot, had a break down over fitting into my old swimsuit and otherwise have been a moody mess. But that’s okay, because he still loves me and I still love him.

This is what we have wanted for so long, this is what we have dreamed of and you know what? Even though it isn’t perfect it….it is in a way. Its better then perfect because neither of us is perfect but even when I’m hurting and cranky he can cheer me up and make me laugh and I, even in my most petulant can get a chuckle from him and be adoringly cute (at this time I think of it as a good thing, at the time when it happened I was soooo steamed!).

Sometimes reality, as nitty gritty and frustrating as it can be is even better then the dream. Even with being poor.

I cherish the counting of money, the budgeting, last night after the menu we made an Excel sheet to keep track of what main food things we buy cost where. It was a little thing, probably something most people would have found annoying but to me it was wonderful. It was domestic, it was us working together to make life work. This isn’t a visit anymore, this isn’t a long distance hopeless romance.

This is life, my life and I welcome it, I celebrate it.

I know there will be times when we drive each other crazy, I know there’s moments even this weekend when both of us have thought “are we really ready for this?”. But I think I found a secret in life for me.

You are never ready for that next step, not really because you can never full know what it will entail and what will come of it. But not being ready is part of the glory of life, you learn, you grow, you strive and things are better then you can ever imagine because of it.

In a lot of places on the web my name is Wistful Dream, I’m a dreamer, wistful and hopeful, full of romance and great plans. I’ve always found living in dreams to be easier, to dream of a better and brighter future. But now…now I don’t need that anymore. Because my reality is a dream come true, its everything I could have ever wanted and nothing I thought I would want.

I remember when I graduated from high school, I was going to travel the world and be single, I was going to be a journalist and a professor, I had everything so neatly planned out, everything made sense and was utterly practical.

Now I’m Illustration major at a major art school and I have no set career path, I am engaged to a wonderful man, collared to him as well, I am living with someone who loves me for all the oddities of my nature and all that I am.

I don’t need to dream as much anymore, I found love, I found my home.

And it feels so very very good.

To Do Lists....

Sometimes there is just too much to do in life I think...just way too much. To give an idea lately I've been working on a lot of on going projects. Add that to stuff I have to do with family and it gets insane.

Art ~
Sketch group, getting it started
Speed paints
Panel project
Studies
Landscape practice
Clothing research

Writing ~
Posts
Novel manuscript
World building - finish fleshing out the Witches first
Naamah project
Sensory journal project
Submissive blog series

Other ~
Working a lot on stuff for TdA
Class homework for TdA
Teaching Photoshop/GIMP on TdA
Getting Heliotrope back on its feet
Spending time talking to all the people that want to talk to me

Moving ~
Shopping for stuff with aunt
Getting boxes/packing
Sign papers and put first payment down/deposit
Figure out electric
Figure out internet
Get everything moved over there
holy shit its only 17/16 days away

Family ~
Girl day with aunt
Cleaning the house my cousin destroyed (getting paid for it)
Catching up after months away


Its just adding up till I don't even know what to do sometimes because there's just so much to do. ~sighs~ It has to get better....

A Rant about the Cousin

So I'm back at the aunt and uncles house.

Walk in and...dear god was I embarrassed that Ari was with me, that she saw the house like that. I knew that it was going to be bad but it was like ten times worse then I expected. Seriously.

The living room is a war zone, he has laundry, blankets and such strew everywhere with condiment bottles, bread bags and taco bell litter all around. Cigarette butts and other things I don't want to know. The kitchen is worse, my aunt has a huge beautiful kitchen. It was spotless last time I saw it thanks to Will and I. Every single dish is pretty much used and left with food grime on it, stacked up everywhere. Even on the freaking stove. There is only the dregs of food in the house, apparently he's subsisting off ramen and cereal with evaporated milk. Stale cereal at that.

Luckily my uncle's nephew (not related to me but awesome) is going to come over to bring cat food for the kitties and take me grocery shopping so I don't starve.

And my room...

Apparently he let some girl stay there. There was clothing, including a pair of his boxers (EW!) strew on it, the mattress looks stained, and then there was a bunch of fast food shit scattered around. Apparently the girl liked Popeye's. And cigarette butts and ashes while I am allergic to something in cigarette's. Oh and there was cookie ground into the carpet....

So yeah...oh and the aunt and uncle who were suppose to be back today are not coming back till Wed because of an issue with the roofer. So I'm stuck here, with disaster boy.....

~prays for her sanity~

Thoughts on Submission: Part 1

Submission.

Defined -
The act of submitting to the power of another.
The state of having submitted. See Synonyms at surrender.
The state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.


Its a word you hear a lot though not in ways that really stand out. Certainly a lot of people submit things to magazines and editors, hoping to get published. People submit applications all the time for jobs and loans, for just about anything to do something in life. You even have to submit an application to be approved to be married legally. In each and every one of those people are submitting to the will of a 'higher power' as it were.

And what I really don't get is why in a society where everything must be approved by others, where we are constantly answering to 'higher ups' and 'submitting' ourselves, our desires for their stamp of approval, people have such a fear of the word submissive.

Oh its fine if its just talking about an animal being submissive to an alpha, a weaker being. But the thought of another human being truly and fully submitting themselves to someone just seems to raise some people's hackles. It's amusing to me, the people who claim its wrong, that its 'evil' and bad. Life is power exchanged, sure its not all kinky and fun like D/s can be but whether one likes it or not there are people who will control you, or situations that will, just as there are people or situations you yourself will have to control.

Power, its what makes the world go round.

Society however does not see it that way, at least not now, not in 'modern' times with equality for all genders and sexes and such. Its funny, go about fifty/sixty years ago and a man leading the house while the wife stayed home and tended the family was typical. Not so much now. But even then they would have frowned upon the kink part of it I guess. Its funny how people fear what they don't know. We live in America, the so called land of the free where we are suppose to have this amazing gift to live our lives however we want. Only we don't, not really. After all a submissive who's into caging and humiliation, if they lived that lifestyle out in the open would probably be committed to an insane asylum. A Sadist would go to jail. A 'little girl' would be heavily shrinked and her 'Daddy' probably in prison.

So how free are we really? If we can't live our lives as we desire because society is uncomfortable with that its not true freedom, that's conforming to the majority.

Which makes how many people are into kink, the lifestyle, the scene, whatever you want to call it sort of hilarious, so afraid other's will find out about it when they likely do it as well. I bet three in every ten people that you encounter in everyday are involved in kink in some way and at least half of them think about it in some way, even if its something as simple as handcuffs and teasing a lover or being teased.

Why are we so ashamed of what we desire? Why are we so afraid to admit it? Where did this sense of guilt come from when its perfectly natural to desire these things? When they are a natural part of life that we really aren't going to get away from? So many questions poise on my lips, wanting to be shared with the world as a whole but I'll not voice them, they would fall on deaf or offensive ears. So I'll write them out here, share them here and hope that a few will see this and think about it. Maybe I'll get lucky and alter someone's view of it...probably not.

I guess its that we want to be better then animals, want to go beyond the 'weak' giving to the 'strong' after all that's entirely too Darwin for our modern society. But then there is always the 'weak' and the 'strong'.

One thing that most people seem to miss is the fact that the power in a D/s relationship truly lays with the submissive. That's right, the submissive is the one that gives, the one that surrenders themselves to another person and gives up control of themselves. But they are the ones who limits are followed, who have the right and the power to walk away from the situation if it does not fit for them. Granted that's not saying that some don't get abused, that some don't get into bad situations, they do, but that's life. Its all about trust, its about knowing how to pick who you trust and just why you trust them.

I use to be terrified of submission, of D/s, I saw that as what my mother and stepfather had been. But it wasn't.

I know some people are completely happy with vanilla lives, so I'm not trying to push this on anyone and say its the only way to live. That said I think a BDSM relationship can be the most beautiful thing in ones life if you let it.

BDSM, submission...its not all about kink, its not all about sexy play. Its about trust and love. Its about finding that person (or people) that touch your heart and make it sing, that make you shine like a fallen star in all the glory of the love that lays in your heart for them. There are many kinds of love. A good relationship needs the same things anywhere, trust, communication and the ability to work together. Submission or rather D/s stresses these by default and the power play that comes from that....oh its the most beautiful sort of dance of power and souls imaginable.

I have never felt more whole then when he has made me utterly his, utterly beneath his power.

And I love him, because yes, to me submission is a way of loving and I couldn't submit without loving. But that's a subject for the next blog...how romance and submission/BDSM can not only go together but work brilliantly hand in hand.

Diet Plan

So as I lay tossing and turning I came up with a diet plan for this coming fall when I am finally going to be living in my own place and able to do things as I like and buy food that actually appeals to me, well me and the handsome of course. All the good diet things say similar stuff, plan to eat stuff you love that's good for you and try to eat multiple times a day. So here's my thoughts.

Wake up about nine/nine thirty.

First meal around ten. Yogurt and a handful of almonds or granola with water. Light, easy on the stomach.

Eleven thirty/noon - two eggs, a slice of toast and oj. Might switch it with a bagel instead of toast or maybe just do oatmeal and a banana or something.

Two would be the 'big' meal of the day ideally. Or maybe the eleven/thirty noon one. Cause I know Master and I love breakfast food so we could change that off and on and eat a lot then, take time in the middle of the day to have a break and focus on each other. The food around this time would change a lot.

Five/five thirty would mean another small meal. A small salad, or perhaps a cup of carrots and a handful of almonds or something.

Seven thirty would be the next time to eat, not sure what though but that's a good time to do so if we are going out with friends and the like and then probably split a thing.

And the last time at nine/ten pm, again, good for going out perhaps or just for a small quick snack at home. And plenty of time before bed for it all to digest and mean that you don't sleep with an full stomach.


Odd the things that come to mind when one is tossing and turning at two am in the morning huh?

Preperation Time

That's what I'm in right now. Prep time for the biggest move I've done yet in my life.

Moving in with my Love, my fiance and Master.

Heaven knows I'm so very very excited about it, its all I can think of sometimes. I know that it won't all be easy things, that sometimes we are going to hate each other and fight but those low moments will so be worth it. That I do know without a doubt, because of who we are and just how very very much we love each other. Its insane, to think about, just a month away from waking up with him every morning and sleeping at his side every night. It seems like the greatest gift I could imagine to be able to reach out and touch him when I wake up and know he's right there with me. The past near two years have been spent mostly apart with weeks here and there of together and then a month or more apart. And each time he leaves it feels like he takes a little more of me with him.

Odd how one changes.

I have always been so adamant about being independent, about standing on my own and never needing anyone. Now I know that I can't live my life that way. I had a scary moment about a week or so back where I thought I lost him and I didn't know if I would want to live without him. That wasn't a good reaction and something I should work on, I have to live with or without him. I think I could. But I would never forget him, never get over loosing him. He is my soulmate, he is so much a part of me...I don't know where he ends and I begin sometimes. But that's a good thing.

Now its lists, lists and plans and budgets, figuring out where we need for the apartment, for the kitchen, the bedroom...and of course for school.

I've been doing a lot of art lately, focusing on line and color, on finding my own Illustration style, I did change my major to Illustration after all and I want to be ready for this fall. I'll be taking some very hard demanding classes. But I'm so excited for them, I'm sure I'll do wonderfully with my Love to be there with me every day, to encourage me when I'm low and seduce me into good moods with amazing bed play when I get depressed. I know a lot of people say not to build up expectations and fairytales in your head about how its going to be when you are living with someone, but the fact is that I can't help it and well most of them are based off stuff we already do that makes us both very happy. And we are both big about talking and being aware of how our relationship is going, of making sure the other is okay. Sometimes we are better at it then others but we are still pretty good.

Relationships are hard work but my love, my relationship with him is what I want the master piece of my life to be.

I feel like I'm blossoming right now, getting more comfortable in my own skin. I'm exploring new things in my art and having fun with it, I'm pushing boundaries in my writing and devoting myself to the things I love. He and I are talking a lot and figuring out where we are and where we want to be. I have some amazing friends who are just there whenever I need them and even when I don't.

Its odd, having friends in person that I don't have to hide anything from. Sunshine and Pink (her best friend from high school and a wonderful amazing friend of mine) and Ari all write on the same forums I do, we all know about BDSM and poly and it just flows. I don't have to hide any part of myself I don't want and while their acceptance isn't to the level of Master's yet that's mostly because I haven't shared all those deep dark places with anyone but him. But that's how its suppose to be I think, he's my Prince, he's the one that turned a nightmare into a fairytale.

I think about the wedding a lot now...my dress will be here in a few months. I think I know where I want it. I know the time and the colors and I day dream about it. I'm thinking I might not want a traditional cake...still thinking about what I want and how it will be special to me. An apartment, a wedding, a dream of Italy for the honeymoon. My life is moving forward in so many ways, ways I never thought would be open to me.

So a month...and then that next big step, that commitment to a 15 month lease of living together and just...good or bad, whatever it brings I welcome it and look forward to it.

I know we'll come through together.

Didn't Want to Wake Up

I am a coward.

Really, odd thing to say after all that I've lived through and faced but it is the truth, really. I'm scared shitless of such little things, I shrink from conflict and even from friendship and love. Probably because I find it so hard to believe anything will really last, the only thing that has in my life is Master, is my love. And that I think is just because he is so incredible wonderful and well...stubborn. In the best sort of way of course.

But I really am a coward sometimes. I had another fun sleepless night and when I finally did get to sleep I didn't want to wake up again, to face the world. All I wanted was Master to hold me and talk to me, to let me drift until I felt like it was safe enough to come back to the real world. Sometimes I want to linger there, in a world that's just ours alone and not have to deal with anything else, I want him to make me soar and float and forget about everything and anything but him. He makes everything safe and its so hard right now, to be apart, when we are so so close to living together. Just a few weeks.

This past month has flown by, really, the most wonderful time in my life sans the moments I've had with him. I've had friends, Sunshine and Ari, I've had laughter and flirting and compliments and girl days and writing up a storm and some awesome art. So why suddenly the depression kick? I have no freaking clue.

When I finally did wake up this morning I lingered in bed, it hurt too much to want to more and so I was in that half world, of awake and not awake, and I hardly spoke at all to Sunshine when she came in to wake me up. Even after she left me alone to sleep more I just lay there, not really even thinking, not examining why I was suddenly so sure I did not want to go outside of the room at all today, why I didn't want to see her or Ari. She drove here to spend time with me, what sort of ungrateful brat am I? Of course it didn't last, I decided to take a shower, hoping it would help with the pain and it did, a little, I feel better for shaved legs too. After I was done I got on my computer to talk to Master, needing him, and honestly today I want just him, I don't want nor really can handle dealing with other people, its just one of those days that I need to retreat inward.

He however said it wouldn't be good for me to spend the whole day in the bedroom. So I got dressed and am now sitting between Ari and Sunshine in the living room of Ari's apartment, just waiting to be harped on about eating. My stomach is so unhappy right now I'm terrified I would automatically throw up anything that I did eat; it all makes me think of last summer, of holing myself up in my room and refusing to talk to anyone, not eating, not doing anything. But I know that not doing anything will only increase the depression and frustration with myself.

I just want him.

Its been so much fun this past month, yeah but its been too much, really for someone like me. I've spent the majority of the past year alone and now I'm suddenly with people for nearly every moment of the day, no privacy, no alone time and I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm not use to it. I'm wondering if its just building me up for a more complete mental break down. I would really rather not go back to that point of actually shaking and getting sick and crying when there are more then three people around me. I was so happy to leave that behind.

So here I am, hurting, longing, cranky, feeling like a ungrateful brat and just wanting to shut out the world, which is exactly what I can't do. Some days there really is just no reason for getting out of bed, or at least it feels like it now.

I Love Life

So...fell off the blogging again. Only for a little while this time at least but it does seem rather impossible for me to keep blogging daily at times. I'll hit a stride and then fall off again.

I think that's a lot like I am with most things, I'm an artist, I come and go from things with all the attention span of a kitten. Meaning one moment here and the next there. I can multitask really well, as in the fact that I am writing this, watching the premier of a favorite show, flirting with Sunshine and making notes about stories. See what I mean?

I do it with art, with writing, with nearly everything. The only thing that holds me steady is Master, and well...he's a special case.

I feel bad sometimes, that I am not more steady, that I can't fit myself into patterns for days but the only time that's ever really worked, patterns that is, in my life is in highschool when I had classes I had to go to. And even then I would do things outside of what I needed to do for class in class. I am such a odd girl, really.

Life has been really wonderful though lately, full of life and laughter and good food and friends. The only thing missing from making things perfect is Master and he'll be here soon enough. I've never been so pampered and honestly welcomed before I don't think, and I've asked several times over from both Sunshine and her hubby if I'm okay, if I'd done anything that might upset them. And I haven't, they are just so wonderful at making me feel at ease. Ari and her hubby are pretty wicked cool too <3

So life is good, love is bright, and I am just happy right now. I have a whole lot less to write about now then I did two years ago, but then that's a good thing I think. I can't believe I'll be turning twenty one soon, but at the same time I can't wait. I know this birthday will the best yet with all the wonderful people in it.

No Sleep

So...no sleep last night.

Not even really sure why, I mean I wasn't upset or afraid or anything and when I went to the bedroom, on time I might add, I was tired. Very much so. And looking forward to sleeping. Master and I are picking up my bedtime and wakeup time again and I'm so happy about it; so I was a little pissed at myself for not being able to fall asleep like I should have. And I tried. I curled up with the teddy bear he gave me, I breathed in his scent and recited my mantra, I thought of each of my stories with him, listed off character's and myths of Gwiv....

Two hours later I was still awake, wide awake.

He had class today though, ontop of staying up nearly to my bedtime last night so I didn't want to call him, not when nothing was wrong, not when I didn't know why I couldn't sleep. But that meant that I didn't get any sleep at all. Around four I tried reading a bit, to see if that could wear out my mind/eyes. No luck.

And when I did finally steal some broken sleep...it was just about the time I was suppose to wake up.

When I did wake up again fully, after one thanks to Sunshine checking on me. Apparently my phone had gotten lost under the bed during one of my restless tossing and turns in the night. Which meant that I missed the handsome's phone call. Not really happy about that.

So...today. I got roughly four broken hours of sleep, and then after waking went to take a long hot shower. And now, sickenly, I'm thoroughly awake. I doubt I'll sleep really until tonight if then, all I can do is pray that it won't be like that one time back in Fall 2008 when I was up for four days with broken naps here and there. I don't want to go back to that, I hate it when something like this happens, not being able to sleep, or worse, not being able to keep down food for no apparent reason. There's nothing causing this that I can tell and after all the years of living inside my broken mind I've gotten pretty good at figuring out reasons for why my mind/body do the odd things that they do.

Pretty good but not good enough.

Is it this frustrating for a normal person? Well I guess you would have to define 'normal' but it something I know I'm very much not. My friend Ari doesn't get enough sleep, really, she sleeps less then me and that's saying something. She sleeps less then I did at my worst I think, but still it bothers me. Why can't I even control that one small part of myself? Sometimes I get so very very angry at myself for not being able to handle things better, for being...well me. But that I guess is pointless and useless, cause I'll always be me, no getting around that. And there are a ton of people who love me, so I think I might well get in trouble for changing.

Okay...I guess this is enough venting/griping. So much for keeping my blog philosophical and reflective lately.

Muse Fled...

Gah this is sooo frustrating. I have some lovely posts to respond to, writing I want to do, and even on my novel, nothing is coming. Usually my muse works reliably well, I mean one day I churned out twenty six replies, granted that was nearly two years ago now but still.

Today, nothing. I have several posts up, just waiting to be responded to and nothing will come and work for me. I'm half thinking I might just try plugging out plot points of my novel, if nothing else. I mean its just my first manuscript so things will change. Part of my issue though is that I am a perfectionist in all I do, including work on my novel. I'm pretty happy so far that there is no 'filler' in it so far, nothing that''s unneeded really. I would hate to add some of that in now after months of good strong work on it.

Maybe I should world build some...Gwiv could use a little fleshing out in some area's, been contemplating temples and how religious order's actually work as pertaining to the Gods. Its a multi god world, lots of gods so different people would worship differently but everyone follows the Divine Quart, Meria, Mother Earth and Water, the Gatekeeper (the Heavens and such), Deril, Goddess of Love and Illusions, Solious, Flame/Sun God and the Divine Judge. I really love them all <3

I finally got my replacement stylus pen for my tablet yesterday and did some sketching but the art muse seems to have fled as well. Its probably all in relation to the amount of pain my body has been handling the past two days, and let me tell you it sucks, massively. I'm such a creative person that when something takes that away from me I struggle and its really easy to get frustrated and a little depressed. I need to be productive, otherwise I go stircrazy and start self loathing and thinking I'm worthless/useless.

So yeah, muse not behaving = bad.

And this blog isn't overly eloquent either...lovely. So trying to not feel like crap today but its so hard not to when it hurts and I can't seem to do anything that I actually like. Talking to Master is helping some, we are talking about the Air race of Gwiv, who are completely and totally wonderful <3 I'm really looking forward to that story, the one that will explore them and such, The Desert Dragon. Have yet to start it though. Maybe when the muse is actually nice again I will.

Going to stop rambling now.

The Novel

So today my novel is demanding my attention. Quiet thoroughly in fact, I haven't felt this inspired for it in a while; sort of hard for something that I'm writing alone to compete with the delightful pleasure of writing with Master or Sunshine in Gwiv really.

But Kera, Aine, Caedmon and Jaspar are the root of Gwiv for me, for all of us actually when I think about it. If I hadn't chosen to use Gwiv for their story I would have never started to flesh it out more again, would have never crafted the Divine Quart the way I did, which would have resulted in a much different world.

This is the first time I've really talked about my novel on here I think.

I get asked a lot what the book is about, the story. And that's a hard thing to answer, after all its a rather complicated story, I have no idea what they would put on the back cover, there's just too much in the story to say "Oh its a story about a princess being rescued from a dragon" sort of thing. There's more then one story running through it.

And no dragons, at least not in the first book. In the second one there might pop up one, it will depend on many things so not sure yet.

There are however, two princess, Kera and Aine, twins and yet utterly different. If I had to focus on one main story for the book it would be the one of their relationship and how they both grow over the course of the story. Both cursed, both outcasted and hidden, together in the wilds of Merisso's mountains as their country is being corrupted by a mad woman now upon the throne. And yet that's just one story. There's Caedmon, my Bear Prince who is far from home and serving the Divine Mother Meria by helping the twins take back their throne and hoping to regain his own human form. And then Jaspar, the half divine pirate Captain who is the son of the Goddess of Love. The character's are all so different and so wonderful. I think I'll start sharing snippets from the book at least once a week, part of something to keep me working forward on it.

And for today....Caedmon

“Well aren’t you a sight Princess.”

And indeed she was, far more beautiful then anything he had ever seen and he was having trouble remembering how to breath with the memory of the flash of her nudity before she had dipped into the water. Not that it hid too much, not with her skin the hue of starlight and shimmering beneath the water. He stood before her, a smile on his face even though his heart raced fast with the knowledge of what would happen, of what he had come to tell her.

Part of him didn’t want to tell her, not now.  Not when she had seemed so happy tonight, all but glowing somehow.

Caedmon didn’t think that swimming nude in pools after the night had fallen was something that Kera did often, or at all. And yet here she was, looking half mer in the night with her dark hair flowing around her shoulders and drifting over the water like a flower’s petals. She had turned to him with a gasp, surprised and then silent as they both just stared at each other, each caught in their thoughts no doubt. And what were her’s, that he wanted to know, to use, for she was one that he couldn’t seem to figure out which was unusual. Reading people was what he did.

“Caedmon…I…though you weren’t coming tonight.” The words stole like whispers through the night and if it were lighter he was sure he could have seen a blush on her cheeks.

“I was, unfortunately detained. Traveling actually, which I want to talk to you about…”

“I am glad you came. “ Her voice was breathless, heady as if she had drunken wine and was brave with it. Kera’s eyes drew him and he lost his train of thought for a moment as he took another step toward the edge of the walkway. She tredded closer in response, a soft smile on her lips. Gone was the haughty wary princess he had met the first night and in her place was a shy young woman who seemed to be trying out her wings for the first time. The haughty princess had called to something within him, seeing a pain inside her, a great sense of duty, that appealed to those same things in his soul. But this, oh this was something no man could resist, not that flash of her eyes like diamond’s in the night, not the soft womanly smile that seemed meant just for him.

The fact that she was, or seemed to be nude probably helped as well, he was a male after all.

“Kera I…” He started to speak again, trying to gather his thoughts even as his blood seemed intent on rushing to lower portions of his body. Which in turn made the man shift uneasily on his feet as her hand lifted, gleaming with droplets of water to reach toward him and the idea of such water droplets trailing over other, more intimate parts of her body made it impossible to think.

“Join me?”

Now that, he would have never expected, never dared dream of. Kera, gazing up at him with eyes that seemed bright and easy for once, a playful smile on her lips and nude below him. Breathe, just blasted breathe…. He told himself, adjusting his tunic in the hope that it would cover demanding part of his body.

“I am not sure that’s a good idea, my lady I…”

“Oh don’t be so stuffy….” Had some siren possessed the girl?

That thought was the last one that he had before her hand reached for his tunic and tugged him down toward, the action lifting her breast with her arm and giving him a sight he probably would carry happily within his memory till he died.

And then the water took him, closing around him and he shouted in shock, kicking his feet to surface, his clothing soaking through and dragging him down. Caedmon kicked off his boots first before shucking his tunic and shirt over his head and letting them drop down as well. “Lass…” he growled into the air, glaring in her direction. “That wasnae  a good idea…”

Which only earned him a giggle, a flash of a coy smile that was entirely feminine and the princess biting her lower lip. Light and Lady, all his blood then rushed to his groin and he couldn’t think of a moment when he had been more aroused in his whole life. And that was saying something with his ‘rouge’ years. And yet, the sound of her laughter reached into some part of him that had forgotten laughter and caressed his heart like a soothing balm. The magic of Deril perhaps, they were in her garden’s.

Happiness in Small Things

So...two blogs in two days, that's uncommon for me since at least last year if not before. But when I sat down to my computer I felt the need to write a blog; I'm just going to run with it.

And tonight, what I wish to talk about is...finding that happiness in the small things, in moments you totally don't expect. Certainly I was surprised today, really surprised actually in a way I was never expecting. I've moved across country again, settling into a new place, getting to know new people and just...its taxing on someone as shy and nervous as I am. I slept in today, worn out and even when I did wake up I just lay there in bed for a long moment, thinking about everything. Not in a bad way, just taking a mental stock and such.

Sunshine had to actually come into the bedroom and talk to me before I started to move and get dressed and the like, I think I had worried her a bit as it had passed two pm and I still hadn't moved around much. But I did get up, and get dressed and things picked up from there. I felt so low on energy and a little anti social, in fact the idea of going out tonight (its Wed night and there's a Wed night dinner group) made me want to shrink up and hide. I almost said I would just stay home. But online was Master and logging into a new site I've joined provided to 'perk' me up a bit. Its a site that's focused mostly on the world of the Kushiel books, and I joined for research mostly for a story I'm writing with Sunshine but the people there have been so nice and lively.

One, a female, seems to know just how to push my buttons and has gotten me squirming and Master chuckling and commenting how 'hot' our PMs are when I shared a bit. Another member on there, a male, and I have hit if off chatting and even flirting a touch. He convinced me to go into the group chat for the site and that was so much fun and so lively and then when I shared my DA (deviant art) link I got lots of compliments on my art work and a "WOW YOU ARE SMOKING" comment with a chorus of agreements. Which of course, when told Master agreed with and Sunshine as well. So I was feeling better by the time we left and then over there I met the third girl friend of the group, L, who was bright and happy and so easy to talk to. I was glad though, that for a bit it was just her, Sunshine and myself so I could work into it slowly. Ari and her hubby showed up next and that was fun, I was so happy to see Ari and the girls had a fun time all talking and her hubby is witty and easy to get along with. The last to show up was Sunshine's Love, and he's so easy to be around that I was really happy to see him.

We all went out to dinner.

I remember a time, back in April when I went out with M and her fiance in Michigan and a group of their friends. It was fun, to go out with a group, they were nice but...I was left out of the conversation a lot. I felt like 'extra'. Hell I felt that way when I went to NYC with Aeval, M and M's fiance with just the four of us.

But tonight I didn't. I felt like part of the group, an important part. And they kept asking questions about Master too. L, and the other girl's men are big college football followers and wanted to know what he liked/hated and such so I actually was texting Master asking him questions about football. Not something I ever imagined. We all laughed and joked and I even joined in on conversation, over coming my shyness to tease and such. We then went back to Ari's place to hang out and Sunshine and I shared information about Gwiv with L who finds it fascinating.

I've been flirty, silly, teasing and lively with people today outside of Master. I've felt accepted and a part of a large group, more then three people! I went to a public place without Master with lots of people and didn't freak out or clam up. I'm pretty proud of myself.

I feel so good about myself, sure I want to loose a little weight here and there but I look in the mirror and like what I see. I feel smart and accomplished. I got two A's this past semester from my school which is a feat in and of itself. And I'm just -happy- right now. All I need is to have Master here and life would be complete.

Thankfully for my sanity though tomorrow and Friday should be slower with no going out. Saturday we apparently might be going to a movie. And then sometime Sunday/Monday/Tuesday I'll be going over to see Aunt L and catch up with her for a few hours. Tuesday Sunshine, Ari and L and I are all going to have a girls day, though depending on everyone's levels we might be going to downtown Dallas for a 'art culture' day at the museum's and galleries or staying here at Sunshine's house for writing and just hanging out. Life is full and happy and this looks to be the best summer of my life.