Didn't Want to Wake Up

I am a coward.

Really, odd thing to say after all that I've lived through and faced but it is the truth, really. I'm scared shitless of such little things, I shrink from conflict and even from friendship and love. Probably because I find it so hard to believe anything will really last, the only thing that has in my life is Master, is my love. And that I think is just because he is so incredible wonderful and well...stubborn. In the best sort of way of course.

But I really am a coward sometimes. I had another fun sleepless night and when I finally did get to sleep I didn't want to wake up again, to face the world. All I wanted was Master to hold me and talk to me, to let me drift until I felt like it was safe enough to come back to the real world. Sometimes I want to linger there, in a world that's just ours alone and not have to deal with anything else, I want him to make me soar and float and forget about everything and anything but him. He makes everything safe and its so hard right now, to be apart, when we are so so close to living together. Just a few weeks.

This past month has flown by, really, the most wonderful time in my life sans the moments I've had with him. I've had friends, Sunshine and Ari, I've had laughter and flirting and compliments and girl days and writing up a storm and some awesome art. So why suddenly the depression kick? I have no freaking clue.

When I finally did wake up this morning I lingered in bed, it hurt too much to want to more and so I was in that half world, of awake and not awake, and I hardly spoke at all to Sunshine when she came in to wake me up. Even after she left me alone to sleep more I just lay there, not really even thinking, not examining why I was suddenly so sure I did not want to go outside of the room at all today, why I didn't want to see her or Ari. She drove here to spend time with me, what sort of ungrateful brat am I? Of course it didn't last, I decided to take a shower, hoping it would help with the pain and it did, a little, I feel better for shaved legs too. After I was done I got on my computer to talk to Master, needing him, and honestly today I want just him, I don't want nor really can handle dealing with other people, its just one of those days that I need to retreat inward.

He however said it wouldn't be good for me to spend the whole day in the bedroom. So I got dressed and am now sitting between Ari and Sunshine in the living room of Ari's apartment, just waiting to be harped on about eating. My stomach is so unhappy right now I'm terrified I would automatically throw up anything that I did eat; it all makes me think of last summer, of holing myself up in my room and refusing to talk to anyone, not eating, not doing anything. But I know that not doing anything will only increase the depression and frustration with myself.

I just want him.

Its been so much fun this past month, yeah but its been too much, really for someone like me. I've spent the majority of the past year alone and now I'm suddenly with people for nearly every moment of the day, no privacy, no alone time and I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm not use to it. I'm wondering if its just building me up for a more complete mental break down. I would really rather not go back to that point of actually shaking and getting sick and crying when there are more then three people around me. I was so happy to leave that behind.

So here I am, hurting, longing, cranky, feeling like a ungrateful brat and just wanting to shut out the world, which is exactly what I can't do. Some days there really is just no reason for getting out of bed, or at least it feels like it now.