Revelations

Its odd how things can sneak up on you...

I grew up abused, its a simple fact, its a part of who I am. My mother wasn't all there, she made bad choices for both herself and myself and my siblings. My stepfather was an asshole, enough said. Together they did some serious damage to me in multiple ways. And what they didn't destroy in my self image foster parents later took care of. Its a horrible thing to live with, questioning nearly everything, wondering if you are a good person, if you should be held to blame for sins you did not commit. Its amazing the amount of guilt and fear a person can carry with them.

But I have had a revelation, I don't know why, I can't put my finger on just one thing that caused it.

I am good. I am strong and beautiful. I may not follow conventional beauty perhaps, at least not the American view of it but I'm tall and curvy, I carry my weight well and I take good care of myself for the most part. I have a few health issues that I've put off fully dealing with but I'm going to face them head on now, there's no reason not to take care of myself to the best level I can, because you know what? I deserve it. I should care about myself enough to take care of myself, to do little pampering things like lingering in bubble baths, getting great hair cuts and thinking about what I eat. I should dance, whenever I want to, because the human body is beautiful in movement. I have gorgeous hair, lively eyes, clear skin, tempting lips and a body that's curvy enough to draw stares in a good way.

I'm not going to be ignoring that anymore, I'm going to embrace myself, all of myself and know that even the bad parts are good in a way, for they are what make me who I am. They are me. And if they are 'bad' then I will improve, I will work to do better. No scars, on my skin or elsewhere are going to keep me from enjoying my life.

I will wear make up just when I want to, I will play around with it and treat my face like a canvas. I will wear high heels and walk in a way that I know drives my Love crazy. I'll dress how I want to and not worry about being different. I will laugh and enjoy myself.

I'm rambling a bit now...but yeah...

I am a good person. I am a strong person. I have every right to enjoy my life and savor where I am, to reach for more. I got myself out of the abusive situation I grew up in. I got myself out of Bitch Foster Mother's when she ignored me, because I deserve so much more then being ignored. I am a glorious, beautiful and creative woman. I am a artist. I deserve attention, I deserve the praise I earn with my art. I am an artist and a good one, I work hard and I will be amazing one day. I'll be famous even, just watch. I'll be published as an author, I'll do the graphic novels I want to, I'll be so good people will be inspired by me. I'll travel the world and see everything I possibly can.

I can do anything I set my mind to.

People now try to tell us now that we should be happy with what we have, that the world is a lot more locked in in ways it wasn't before. That the only ways to really make it big is to be in computers or business. Bullshit. That's a lie. And perhaps not that many artists succeed but I'm a hard worker and I will get there. I got myself out of my past, I can do anything now. I have every right to embrace my life and love it. I have an amazing man who loves me and I him. I feel so....comfortable and confident now. I don't need to apologize for what I lived through or for who I've chosen to be. I don't have to apologize for anything, I don't really have any reason to be insecure. I'm flourishing as an artist, as a writer, as a person. I'm writing and reading, I'm painting and learning, I'm growing up so much and as I near my 21 birthday I know only a lust for life, for all it can give me.

The world lays before me and you better believe I'm going to take every thing I can, I'm going to shine bright, like the Heliotrope I am in my heart. And who knows, I might even get a tattoo one day :)

Life :)

Why oh why can I never keep up with this? It is funny though, I've written more blogs this year then any other year, they just don't happen to be on a regular basis. I guess its because life is so full and busy, its not like I have a lot of free time in which I'm not doing anything. I guess I use to be a lot more lonely. Love changed that though, or rather my Love did. He's so wonderful.

So what's been up....school, pretty much. I am really enjoying my classes still, feeling like I'm learning a lot but they are massively challenging, in a good way usually. I have grown a lot in drawing backgrounds, no longer afraid of them that's for sure, Perspective has taken care of that. I near about lost it this past week though with two point vertical perspective though, I couldn't wrap my head around it at all. Its so mathematical, the class is really hard but I'm still doing okay. Currently I have all Bs so I have hope for the rest of the semester. I am so happy to be growing as an artist, and I have so many new ideas and things I want to do with my art, only if I get the time huh?

Outside of school....I'm living with my Love and things are going really well. Though I'm not actually with him right now, visiting a friend actually. My Phileigh, I adore her. She gave me a 'vaca' away from everything in Dallas so I could breath and think things through, consider where I am in life and where I want to be. Its been really good for me and really good for my Love and I. We are stronger then ever for it, the space was needed but now I can't wait to get back to him, to be in his arms again. Light and Lady I miss him. And his smell, his arms, his voice. Everything about the amazing man who stole my heart. He still is very much Mon Voleur.

Phi and I really bonded and its wonderful to have a girl friend that I feel so at ease with. I didn't realize before how important it was to have someone that actively gets after you to voice your opinion. We fight, yeah, we don't always agree, but we love each other and even when we have our fights we are still good, still close. It makes me so happy and I value the weeks I got to spend with her. I'll miss her.

Lots of new things with my Love, we have been figuring out our relationship more, figuring out how to be together and balance reality and fantasy, desire and practicality. We've been talking about paganism too, which is pretty exciting and I feel so good to have a higher power to pray to that I can actually believe in. I feel more like myself then I have in awhile,  now to just reclaim my sensuality, which I believe he will be helping me with. We are also planning to get involved in the local scene, which while a bit nerve wracking is exciting as well.

My role playing has gone down to almost nothing, I've been spending my time on school work or my novel or my Love. trying to get back into it a bit more but not worried about it that much. My other site, KV has been taking up a lot of my life. I got a leadership position, Dowayne of the Heliotrope House and its really wonderful. I feel like by finding that Heliotrope is my House I found out so much about myself, so many amazing things. I'll talk more about that in a minute. Its been involved to work out how to set up the House, getting everything we need up. For right now its only really me and Phi, our other House sister is pretty much absent. I also had my Bidding, my first assignation won by my Temptation or Jadeh no Jasmine. Fitting that a Jasmine should get my assignation I think, Lady knows how much I've fallen in love with that whole House even though its so very not me. I have a waiting list of like 12 people for patrons too, which is a bit astounding. Our House should be growing soon happily, my Love is choosing it along with I think perhaps my Soul Twin Iza.

I've gotten close to so many wonderful amazing people. And I'm going to England after all in Jan. to see Jadeh so that should be a blast! My Love and I are both pretty close to a male on KV as well, A. I'll call him, and we'll hopefully be coming to see us for my Love's birthday.

Back on the subject of Heliotrope....I can see a lot of Houses in me, Camellia (perfection) probably second, and then Eglantine (artist) and Balm (healers) and Valerian (submissive) and so on. But Heliotrope....its me. That intensity, that hold nothing back personality. I feel like I understand so much better my strengths and weaknesses now. I see with more clarity in the world around me. I also feel like I know more what I'm worth and most importantly that I have worth. That the way I am, while different and odd, is actually part of what makes me so special and amazing and what has drawn so many of my friends on KV to me. I'm glorious, beautiful, special. I shine because of who I am, what my soul is. And I love the way I love and that is okay.

I can give everything of myself and not be afraid with a few special people. Others I have to be more wary of, and that's okay. I think I'm learning how to care without falling in love, how to still be wary and careful with my heart.

Because even though I don't always feel like it...I'm special, I'm sacred, I'm beautiful. And no one can take the sunlight I bask in.

Grrh. Just Grrh.

I am so so frustrated right now, frustrated and depressed and just...grrh.

School this semester is hard, just plain freaking hard. I knew it was coming with Color and Design but Perspective is hard too and just...gah. Master wanted to go back and visit family in Alabama that he missed and I went with him, I really didn't know if it was a good idea or not. Turns out it wasn't for school, we didn't have internet, I lost whole days to traveling and other things. I didn't have a good workspace. Its just been a struggle. Granted outside of school work it was wonderful, we finally reconnected in a way I was worried we couldn't anymore.

Still it lead me to deciding that I need to drop a class, Italian, I just can't have three hard classes a semester. It just is a bad idea. I was loosing my sanity even with the help of a Italian friend.

But now I'm home and I have a lot to do still, a full weeks worth pretty much because I could do hardly anything in Alabama. I have four days to do it in and I just feel frustrated, overwhelmed and still depressed. I guess I haven't fully shaken that off yet. Who knows. I tried doing my color mixing today for my color roughs and failed, epically and now I just want to cry. I can't do this, or at least it feels that way, I just can't succeed at this and its driving me crazy.

I know that if I can just get myself to calm down and focus I might be able to but...its hard. And the warm fuzzies of the visit are already dying. Master took me telling him something as me snapping, he wants to go out to go grocery shopping and such. I feel like I can't take any more time away from school work regardless of the fact that there are things we need to do. I don't see why he can't do them though and leave me to focus on school which I neglected for so long because I was with him. Its midterms and I feel like I'm barely hanging on here and yet...I don't feel like he's being supportive at all. Its probably just me, he probably doesn't even get why I don't want to leave the apartment after just getting home, he probably doesn't understand why I'm so frustrated. Or maybe he does and I'm just caught up in my own head space.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with school, it costs so much and its so hard, I love it yeah but...still.

I've shut myself up in the bedroom, locked the door even because yes, I want to be left alone that much. I love him, so very much and things have improved a lot over the past week while we were in Alabama. But I can't help but be frustrated when he wants to go out and do things when I have stuff I need to do badly. He might be very well doing school work himself, or something important but he still haven't gone looking for a job, and honestly that's stressful to me. I know he will, I know he'll take care of me but it still stresses me. I'm starting to wonder what in the world doesn't stress me now. I feel like I'm just a bundle of stress these days.

He's been amazing lately, making me relax and remember to laugh and enjoy things; he's the man I fell in love with and so much more at the same time. He certainly keeps in mind who I am more then other people. I'm sick of people saying one thing and doing another, of feeling like I have no place in their life, that I'm readily replaced. That's probably why I've been spending less and less time on E lately and more time on KV where people make me feel welcomed, celebrated and loved. Its just painful to be on E, just makes the depression worse.

I feel like I'm fighting against letting everything go, everything darkening, depressing. I hate that. I know things aren't that bad, that I can own my paper and knock out things quickly. I mean its not like it should take me overly long to write a paper about thumbnails but...its just hard to even get myself started. And I'm rambling and angry and hurt and just....~sighs~ today is one of those days I just want to re do or sleep away.