Rambles Take One

There are little things that can hurt.

You know its silly really, things that no other other then you might pay attention, things that in the end probably really don't matter. But they can hurt a lot. Its often little ones, nothing large but still. Sometimes for me those little things build and build, like layers of paint on a canvas until the color that I was, the shape that was there once, is covered by that hurt and its something new, a awkward shape in the canvas. For me, with the way my thoughts never cease its easy to lets those build up but I tend to be just as good at trimming then down, smoothing them out before anyone realizes that something isn't okay with me. I'm a master at hiding the little things.

Most of the people close to me would argue that I'm not, that I'm easily readable. But that's just because they don't realize just how OCD I can be, just how stupid and silly and how much of that I keep to myself to try and appear stronger, better.

Stupid I know.

I'm trying though, to be honest, to offer up the truth of myself but I can't help it when no one pays attention to what I try to say. I'm such much better at typing words then speaking them sometimes, I don't know why but the words will freeze on my tongue and not leave it, I'll be stuck and lost in my own head. It happens all too often. I want to get better and I try but its a fight only I can take like so much else in life.

I have realized I can take care of myself a lot more then most people think, I got myself an apartment and I've budgeted out the money for it. I've started classes and I'm working hard with my perfectionist streak to turn in work early and at a high level. I want to be good, I want to be strong, I need to be because I've realized I don't know how not to be. I want to go back to that place inside me, where I can submit and surrender over my thoughts, when my mind for once goes silent and the world fades away. But its harder and harder to find that place, to take the path to that secret depth of the wood where I am simply myself. Perhaps its because myself is changing, becoming something different, something other.

I don't know, and I guess you never can.

So I keep my brush in hand, working hard at the life I have around me, adding touches here and there in the canvas of my landscape. I've faded out some other parts though, I'm not as social as I was this summer, I'm quieter, more withdrawn. Perhaps that's part of getting back to myself, to my haven within my mind. I hope so. School is intense already, its eating up my life and wears me out; I honestly just get up thinking about school and what I need to do for it and then spend the day trying to accomplish it. Yesterday was okay, fun, with family. I laughed a lot, I haven't done that in a bit so it was good. The aunt and I talked about wedding plans but the Love didn't seem too overly interested in talking about it though he liked the possible venue we found. Wedding stuff is girl stuff I suppose.

This is something new, what I'm doing now, see I am so often busy and stressed and when I try to sit and write a blog nothing comes, I feel like I have nothing eloquent or important to say. So now I'm using the Write or Die thing and just typing for dear life for 15 minutes. To see all that would come out. So far 653 words. I only meant to do 250. I am going to try and do this every day though, I think it will be good for me to pen out the thoughts that fill me and try to express some of what I fail so miserably at saying most of the time.

I feel unattractive, non sexual, slipping back into the self loathing state at least in how I look. I think part of it is frustration with trying to loose weight and failing, the worry of how the hell I can get on my thyroid pills without messing with my residancy and risking my scholarship/grant money. The other part is that I just don't seem to arouse the people I use to, I'm boring I guess, too vanilla. My tastes have never been as dark as some but now I feel as if I would be doing a better service to fade into the wall paper then actually be around the ones I use to excite. I am nothing, just a shell of the nympho girl that use to be, god I remember when sex was all I wanted to do all day. Now I feel awkward about it, about touching others, I don't know what's happening or why, not really. I just ... numb but not, because I know it and it frustrates me to the point of crying. I want to retake my sexuality, to reclaim the sensual being I was for so long but I don't know how to reach that girl anymore, nor the one that so eagerly opened her heart to so many people.

Now I just feel like the safest thing to do is to slip into the schedule for school, work, work more, refine, push, get better. Eat, work, sleep, work. Its easier that way, things hurt less. I find no Muse to burn my mind up with writing or lust, there's just...yeah. Maybe its depression? I don't know I haven't had a downswing in a while, well not too long ago but still, it has been a bit and its not like it normally is. Usually I just don't want to do anything at all when I get depressed, now I'm clinging to my school work obsessively and working.

I guess that's what it all comes down to, everything I've written here. I just don't know anymore, I don't know myself, I'm without my normal boundaries, I don't have a set plan for my degree, I don't have a firm plan for anything right now. Nothing to move me forward in life outside of school. So school, once again is the safe place, is what I can sink into until the rest of the world isn't as scary and hard anymore.

Though I sort of doubt the world will ever be that way so maybe I'll just fade out..