The Big Move

The big move.

I have been with my Love for nearing two years now, hard to believe sometimes and others, usually, it feels like he’s always been there, always been a part of me. We started out long distance, he in Alabama and I in California, and I was so sure it was impossible, that nothing would ever come from it. I’ve seen people try long distance before and not often does it work out or ever translate into something in real life.

Mine has however.

This past weekend I have been noticeably absent from my normal online haunts. That is partly my fault, issues with getting internet service set up, but also the fact that we have been moving in together. It’s a lot more work then one would think, certainly more then I thought.

We have this apartment together now, a two bedroom place to call ours. Its ours, its not his family’s home or mine, its not a hotel, its not a friend’s house. After always visiting, never staying we finally have a home together. And its wonderful.

I love the apartment, I really do, though there are a few things that I’d like management to fix. Like the shower guard left on in the master bath or the kitchen drawer that likes to fall off its runners. But they are small things, small issues, over all I’m thrilled. Exhausted but thrilled. We’ve got most of the furniture set up in the master bedroom, our first focus after the kitchen was handled. Last night we found some issues with the cable that is going to be fixed today hopefully but that’s fine.

Our first dinner in the apartment was two nights ago now, and we don’t have a table. I had made French bread pizza and I found this small in table type thing, clearly meant just to be at the side of something. But I brought it into our huge kitchen and got two chairs. Bistro style almost. We had lemonade with the pizza and it was a delicious and wonderful meal, we talked about things and just relaxed together.

Yesterday was errands and lunch with friends. He made chili when we got back and oh was it divine (from someone who usually doesn’t like chili!), though was waited for till dinner time. The TV wouldn’t work in the bedroom, but in the living room so we set up an area to sit out there and ate watching food network. We bought this recipe booklet the other day in WalMart, full of bacon recipes, something we both love. We went over which ones we liked and didn’t and then we talked about a menu for the week. I loved it. It was completely wonderful.

This morning he woke me up

This weekend hasn’t been all honeymoon glow though, not by far. I started my period Saturday morning just before we had to start moving furniture and after a three month absence it descended upon me with vengeance. It still hasn’t let up either. And I banged up my foot, had a break down over fitting into my old swimsuit and otherwise have been a moody mess. But that’s okay, because he still loves me and I still love him.

This is what we have wanted for so long, this is what we have dreamed of and you know what? Even though it isn’t perfect it….it is in a way. Its better then perfect because neither of us is perfect but even when I’m hurting and cranky he can cheer me up and make me laugh and I, even in my most petulant can get a chuckle from him and be adoringly cute (at this time I think of it as a good thing, at the time when it happened I was soooo steamed!).

Sometimes reality, as nitty gritty and frustrating as it can be is even better then the dream. Even with being poor.

I cherish the counting of money, the budgeting, last night after the menu we made an Excel sheet to keep track of what main food things we buy cost where. It was a little thing, probably something most people would have found annoying but to me it was wonderful. It was domestic, it was us working together to make life work. This isn’t a visit anymore, this isn’t a long distance hopeless romance.

This is life, my life and I welcome it, I celebrate it.

I know there will be times when we drive each other crazy, I know there’s moments even this weekend when both of us have thought “are we really ready for this?”. But I think I found a secret in life for me.

You are never ready for that next step, not really because you can never full know what it will entail and what will come of it. But not being ready is part of the glory of life, you learn, you grow, you strive and things are better then you can ever imagine because of it.

In a lot of places on the web my name is Wistful Dream, I’m a dreamer, wistful and hopeful, full of romance and great plans. I’ve always found living in dreams to be easier, to dream of a better and brighter future. But now…now I don’t need that anymore. Because my reality is a dream come true, its everything I could have ever wanted and nothing I thought I would want.

I remember when I graduated from high school, I was going to travel the world and be single, I was going to be a journalist and a professor, I had everything so neatly planned out, everything made sense and was utterly practical.

Now I’m Illustration major at a major art school and I have no set career path, I am engaged to a wonderful man, collared to him as well, I am living with someone who loves me for all the oddities of my nature and all that I am.

I don’t need to dream as much anymore, I found love, I found my home.

And it feels so very very good.

To Do Lists....

Sometimes there is just too much to do in life I think...just way too much. To give an idea lately I've been working on a lot of on going projects. Add that to stuff I have to do with family and it gets insane.

Art ~
Sketch group, getting it started
Speed paints
Panel project
Studies
Landscape practice
Clothing research

Writing ~
Posts
Novel manuscript
World building - finish fleshing out the Witches first
Naamah project
Sensory journal project
Submissive blog series

Other ~
Working a lot on stuff for TdA
Class homework for TdA
Teaching Photoshop/GIMP on TdA
Getting Heliotrope back on its feet
Spending time talking to all the people that want to talk to me

Moving ~
Shopping for stuff with aunt
Getting boxes/packing
Sign papers and put first payment down/deposit
Figure out electric
Figure out internet
Get everything moved over there
holy shit its only 17/16 days away

Family ~
Girl day with aunt
Cleaning the house my cousin destroyed (getting paid for it)
Catching up after months away


Its just adding up till I don't even know what to do sometimes because there's just so much to do. ~sighs~ It has to get better....

A Rant about the Cousin

So I'm back at the aunt and uncles house.

Walk in and...dear god was I embarrassed that Ari was with me, that she saw the house like that. I knew that it was going to be bad but it was like ten times worse then I expected. Seriously.

The living room is a war zone, he has laundry, blankets and such strew everywhere with condiment bottles, bread bags and taco bell litter all around. Cigarette butts and other things I don't want to know. The kitchen is worse, my aunt has a huge beautiful kitchen. It was spotless last time I saw it thanks to Will and I. Every single dish is pretty much used and left with food grime on it, stacked up everywhere. Even on the freaking stove. There is only the dregs of food in the house, apparently he's subsisting off ramen and cereal with evaporated milk. Stale cereal at that.

Luckily my uncle's nephew (not related to me but awesome) is going to come over to bring cat food for the kitties and take me grocery shopping so I don't starve.

And my room...

Apparently he let some girl stay there. There was clothing, including a pair of his boxers (EW!) strew on it, the mattress looks stained, and then there was a bunch of fast food shit scattered around. Apparently the girl liked Popeye's. And cigarette butts and ashes while I am allergic to something in cigarette's. Oh and there was cookie ground into the carpet....

So yeah...oh and the aunt and uncle who were suppose to be back today are not coming back till Wed because of an issue with the roofer. So I'm stuck here, with disaster boy.....

~prays for her sanity~

Thoughts on Submission: Part 1

Submission.

Defined -
The act of submitting to the power of another.
The state of having submitted. See Synonyms at surrender.
The state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.


Its a word you hear a lot though not in ways that really stand out. Certainly a lot of people submit things to magazines and editors, hoping to get published. People submit applications all the time for jobs and loans, for just about anything to do something in life. You even have to submit an application to be approved to be married legally. In each and every one of those people are submitting to the will of a 'higher power' as it were.

And what I really don't get is why in a society where everything must be approved by others, where we are constantly answering to 'higher ups' and 'submitting' ourselves, our desires for their stamp of approval, people have such a fear of the word submissive.

Oh its fine if its just talking about an animal being submissive to an alpha, a weaker being. But the thought of another human being truly and fully submitting themselves to someone just seems to raise some people's hackles. It's amusing to me, the people who claim its wrong, that its 'evil' and bad. Life is power exchanged, sure its not all kinky and fun like D/s can be but whether one likes it or not there are people who will control you, or situations that will, just as there are people or situations you yourself will have to control.

Power, its what makes the world go round.

Society however does not see it that way, at least not now, not in 'modern' times with equality for all genders and sexes and such. Its funny, go about fifty/sixty years ago and a man leading the house while the wife stayed home and tended the family was typical. Not so much now. But even then they would have frowned upon the kink part of it I guess. Its funny how people fear what they don't know. We live in America, the so called land of the free where we are suppose to have this amazing gift to live our lives however we want. Only we don't, not really. After all a submissive who's into caging and humiliation, if they lived that lifestyle out in the open would probably be committed to an insane asylum. A Sadist would go to jail. A 'little girl' would be heavily shrinked and her 'Daddy' probably in prison.

So how free are we really? If we can't live our lives as we desire because society is uncomfortable with that its not true freedom, that's conforming to the majority.

Which makes how many people are into kink, the lifestyle, the scene, whatever you want to call it sort of hilarious, so afraid other's will find out about it when they likely do it as well. I bet three in every ten people that you encounter in everyday are involved in kink in some way and at least half of them think about it in some way, even if its something as simple as handcuffs and teasing a lover or being teased.

Why are we so ashamed of what we desire? Why are we so afraid to admit it? Where did this sense of guilt come from when its perfectly natural to desire these things? When they are a natural part of life that we really aren't going to get away from? So many questions poise on my lips, wanting to be shared with the world as a whole but I'll not voice them, they would fall on deaf or offensive ears. So I'll write them out here, share them here and hope that a few will see this and think about it. Maybe I'll get lucky and alter someone's view of it...probably not.

I guess its that we want to be better then animals, want to go beyond the 'weak' giving to the 'strong' after all that's entirely too Darwin for our modern society. But then there is always the 'weak' and the 'strong'.

One thing that most people seem to miss is the fact that the power in a D/s relationship truly lays with the submissive. That's right, the submissive is the one that gives, the one that surrenders themselves to another person and gives up control of themselves. But they are the ones who limits are followed, who have the right and the power to walk away from the situation if it does not fit for them. Granted that's not saying that some don't get abused, that some don't get into bad situations, they do, but that's life. Its all about trust, its about knowing how to pick who you trust and just why you trust them.

I use to be terrified of submission, of D/s, I saw that as what my mother and stepfather had been. But it wasn't.

I know some people are completely happy with vanilla lives, so I'm not trying to push this on anyone and say its the only way to live. That said I think a BDSM relationship can be the most beautiful thing in ones life if you let it.

BDSM, submission...its not all about kink, its not all about sexy play. Its about trust and love. Its about finding that person (or people) that touch your heart and make it sing, that make you shine like a fallen star in all the glory of the love that lays in your heart for them. There are many kinds of love. A good relationship needs the same things anywhere, trust, communication and the ability to work together. Submission or rather D/s stresses these by default and the power play that comes from that....oh its the most beautiful sort of dance of power and souls imaginable.

I have never felt more whole then when he has made me utterly his, utterly beneath his power.

And I love him, because yes, to me submission is a way of loving and I couldn't submit without loving. But that's a subject for the next blog...how romance and submission/BDSM can not only go together but work brilliantly hand in hand.

Diet Plan

So as I lay tossing and turning I came up with a diet plan for this coming fall when I am finally going to be living in my own place and able to do things as I like and buy food that actually appeals to me, well me and the handsome of course. All the good diet things say similar stuff, plan to eat stuff you love that's good for you and try to eat multiple times a day. So here's my thoughts.

Wake up about nine/nine thirty.

First meal around ten. Yogurt and a handful of almonds or granola with water. Light, easy on the stomach.

Eleven thirty/noon - two eggs, a slice of toast and oj. Might switch it with a bagel instead of toast or maybe just do oatmeal and a banana or something.

Two would be the 'big' meal of the day ideally. Or maybe the eleven/thirty noon one. Cause I know Master and I love breakfast food so we could change that off and on and eat a lot then, take time in the middle of the day to have a break and focus on each other. The food around this time would change a lot.

Five/five thirty would mean another small meal. A small salad, or perhaps a cup of carrots and a handful of almonds or something.

Seven thirty would be the next time to eat, not sure what though but that's a good time to do so if we are going out with friends and the like and then probably split a thing.

And the last time at nine/ten pm, again, good for going out perhaps or just for a small quick snack at home. And plenty of time before bed for it all to digest and mean that you don't sleep with an full stomach.


Odd the things that come to mind when one is tossing and turning at two am in the morning huh?