Sexual Submission - Why I need to give it

Okay so I was talking to a Dom earlier and this came up, I thought I would try to put into words more clearly.


I love that even if I get flirty and 'sexy' with Mon Voleur, even when I'm his 'sex kitten' I am still his Princess, his lady. I'm still sweet and innocent and silly. That being sexual with someone doesn't make me have to be someone who's sexual all the time. But its more then just wanting to be those things, its needing to still be treated like that, like a lady, like a princess or anything.

Because for me, sex is scary.

Yeah, silly I know, but it is. You can't control how you react, there's no way to. Even if you hate what's happening to you, even if its rape, your body will react in a way that all bodies do. Its why men can be raped, why women get wet when they are, its a biological reaction that sometimes, there's no way to stop. And sex, its so intense and intimate, its, at least for me, like sharing part of my soul with that other person. That is why I stick to hugs and cuddles, maybe a kiss or two here and there outside of a very select few, even online. I can't cyber casually, it just will never happen, I'm not comfortable with it. Because for me to be with someone in a physical way, even if its in text, it still means baring a part of my heart and soul to that person. I can't fake who I am, I don't try, I mean yeah, I could assume a character and come off confident and sexy and purr invitation at all the guys. But that would be a character, not me. I am myself and when I get hurt, well I get hurt.

Now, considering some of my past its funny that I want the other person to have the control. But that's part of why I won't do anything with anyone I don't feel absolutely safe with. Because for me to enjoy it, I need to be able to let go, I need to have that level of trust where the other person guides me through the experience. I control a lot of parts of my life, I have a slight OCD and things have to be just so. I love that in sex, I can let that go, I can surrender over to what the other person chooses. Now I'm not into pain, so it doesn't touch on that, but having a Dom who knows my limits and how to handle me, 'play' with me is wonderful. I love how free I am to be sexy and sensual, to react to what they do, to not have to worry about how I am reacting, and just experience the pleasure.

I think it also touches on what my third and last boyfriend said to me. "You're good to fuck around with, but not the type of girl I'd take home." This is the boy that assaulted and took advantage of me when we were stuck in an elevator for an hour and a half together. It was like, after he knew my past, after he had touched me, there was no need to treat me well. The moment he touched me (granted I did give him a black eye) any respect was gone. So I was afraid to let anyone touch me, or to share of myself that way. Because I want to be the sweet, innocent person that I present myself as the majority of the time. And I am, its not a facade for me, really, my mind does not go into the gutter and I do blush every single time I type it. Ask any of my friends, they see me do it all the time.

The Dom I was talking to said something about how the princess and the sensual young woman, that was mixed in me, he saw both and liked both, but it was one person. That I could be both at the same time. Personally, I don't feel like I can, at least not yet. And that's part of the reason why in sex I will probably only ever be submissive until I can accept that. And well...I just plain like that part too.

Confessing to Submission

Think not of it, sweet one, so;---
Give it not a tear;
Sigh thou mayst, and bid it go
Any---anywhere.

Do not look so sad, sweet one,---
Sad and fadingly;
Shed one drop then,---it is gone---
O 'twas born to die!

Still so pale? then, dearest, weep;
Weep, I'll count the tears,
And each one shall be a bliss
For thee in after years.

Brighter has it left thine eyes
Than a sunny rill;
And thy whispering melodies
Are tenderer still.

Yet---as all things mourn awhile
At fleeting blisses,
E'en let us too! but be our dirge
A dirge of kisses.John Keats

It was one of the last things we did together today, him reading me that. Keats is both of our favorite poet, we figured that out so long ago. I let Will take my volume of his work with him, and I plan to ask him to read from it to me regularly. It was so hard not to cry today. Not to cling and beg him not to go. I did beg the last few days for just one more day, just stay a little longer. But as much as one may wish to live in a fantasy reality always intrudes and so we are apart again, for a few weeks, at least its not as long as before. that's what I remind myself.

I have something to confess, or rather, to come out about. A portion of the site already knows, some in detail about it, others vague. And I'm sure there have been guesses at it ever since I switched my orientation from unsure to submissive.

I am submissive.

Its not something I'm completely at ease with admitting, after all I know for a fact that some of what has protected me a bit from 'darker' attentions in other places is my 'vanilla-ness'. I'm boring, vanilla, hopeless romantic. But you can be those things and still be a sub. *laughs* Though I'll probably get in trouble for calling myself boring. *looks around for Master warily*

Its been a journey, getting to this point. I first had a taste of it over a year ago, joining E, making friends with people like Cherri/Sprite, and if some remember, Sherona and Stori. I listened to them, asked questions, did research. I read stories and blogs and almost anything I could get my hands on. And it was the non sexual stuff that appealed to me, the trust, the communication. The clear boundaries and powers, the rules, the love and safety and trust. Oh trust is so huge to me. And it would be a safe environment in which I could let go, in which I could surrender, and entrust someone else with control. Those are just the first things I remember drawing me too it, I was lucky enough to see how the dynamic worked through several of my friends relationships, through things in role plays, through real blogs and even a few books. My aunt, I found out over Christmas break, is a submissive as well, though, perhaps not as fully into it as I have found myself now. There have always been bits of it showing, a few people have outright guessed at it, but being submissive, it scared the shit out of me. Because that was what I saw my mother as, and...well I don't want to do into it, but she isn't, she's dependent, weak, she's a child in a woman's body who accepts no responsibility for things.

I was worried about being weak. Giving submission to someone is one of the hardest things you can do. Submission is a strength.

I was worried about not accepting the responsibilities I need to. As if, you have to take them, and own your mistakes and your successes.

I am more truly myself now then I have ever been I think, finally accepting this part of me.

Now to why this all is relevant.

I wanted to explore D/s back last fall, wanted to learn more about it, its pros and cons, if it really was for me. A male friend of mine who had been taught by a Mistress offered to guide me through it. I believe he said something about how "I would rather you experience it with me and know you are safe then end up" in something bad. Not sure the exact words. So after a few days of talking, considerations and wrestling with myself we both agreed. Now he had only been a sub up till then and this was strictly online, and mostly sexual (which was extremely hard for me, because even with this I'm not comfortable with talking about sex openly, or seeing myself as a sexual person). So I was his, and the learning did begin. At times it was downright hard, though a lot of it was shield by the fact that it was purely online. He did get me to appreciate my breasts, and other parts of my body, to learn how to find pleasure from my body. (I am blushing sooo badly right now). And we were close friends, even outside of that, for months.

Until I met Mon Voleur and things became serious with him, about three weeks into my relationship with Mon Voleur I asked to be released from the relationship, to be able to be completely Mon Voleur's. I was, and even to this day I remain good friends with my first Master.

The first time I brought up D/s to Mon Voleur, he laughed at it, he couldn't see us fitting into that. It was partly because I still hid a lot of myself from him, I'm a private person, I get to know people by degrees. But I have told Mon Voleur things I never planned to tell another living soul, so this came out, after our first rl visit. And a lot of our relationship already had natural undertones in it, like him making sure I ate so many times a day, giving me a bedtime, lightly slapping my hand or ass, or breast (he really loves all of them I think) whenever I got too outspoken. There are countless other things, but those are the biggest in my mind at the moment. So we talked about it, I knew what I wanted and needed, and I told him that I couldn't just go blindly into this, or ask him to. I asked him to do his own research, we shared links, we talked about it deeply. And then started moving toward it. On Saturday night he collared me, I am wearing the wondrous object right now, touching it every so often as I write. This is hard for me, I am not sure I'm ready to admit to this, but then, I've written all of this so I guess I sort of have.

I am not loosing myself, I am not changing.

I am me, and I am a submissive and I love every part of it (well not when I get in trouble but that's good for me too) and...well I'm stopping here for tonight. If I work up the gumption I'll write more tomorrow.

Poetry

Lost.
I am lost without his arms around me.
I am sinking into the slumber of the only peace I know.
Pain, pain and lost.
These are memories, things I know well, paths I have tred before.
Lost, pained, sleeping.
Slumber, repose is my safety.
I sleep, I sleep and dream, dreams of fear and pain.
They do not end, even upon waking.
I know the pain, it holds here, within my heart.
It lingers in the scars, it is a part of me.
I am consumed by it.
Always lost, always afraid.
Dreams of love linger, just out of reach.
But whispers, whispers tell me that is all they are.
Love is a dream, a myth not for one such as I...
I sink, slowly, deeper, deeper, deeper, into this pain.
This reality and tells me, that shows me.
I am what it has made me...








She holds her hand extended.
Smooth skin gleaming beneath the moon, light clinging to her.
A creature of shadows and light.
Its a truth all of us are, yet so little see.
"come to me..." she murmurs to through the chill night air.
"Come dance with me..."
Her leg moves, one step to the left, then back.
Still the hand holds extended, like to a supplicant before a king.
She is the goddess of this domain, one fair and great, terrible and beautiful.
There is an awful sort of knowledge within those wild eyes.
"Come...come dance with me."
She chants the worlds, a strange cadence to fill the night.
"Come..come to me..."
Again and again, the words sound from those full tempting lips.
Her feet move, with the unworldly grace only she possesses.
Reach, a hand reaches for hers, only to pull back again.
There is pleasure, but pain as well in those wild eyes of hers.
Shadows and light, shadows and light.
It is what we all are.
It is what we all fear.
"Come...come to me.."
It sounds, over and over, words of pleading, of command.
Words of knowledge and desire, words of fear and innocence.
She knows what she seeks, what she demands.
And yet, she does not know what attaining it will be.
The melody plays, over and over, consuming the mind.
Hmmhmm...hmmhmmmmm....hhmm...hhhmmmhmm........
Chants, melody, sounds surround and fill, music calls to the soul.
She calls to the soul.
"Come..come dance with me..."
One step forward, a hand reaches again, this time not pulling away.
It is given, the trust, trust in both what is seen and what can not be seen.
Known, unknown, fear, knowledge, pleasure, pain.
To know one thing another must come as well.
Yin and yang.