Love and Awe

So earlier was more about venting then actual blogging and it wasn't anything that people haven't heard me freak out about lately. I am, unfortunately, a big baby when it comes to pain and I don't exactly have the best mental place for that sometimes.

However it doesn't seem fair to just post that for the week when other things have been so incredible. For once my life outside of school is better then my life inside, which hasn't happened all that often. Usually school is my anchor, it makes everything else make sense. And well today (I haven't gone to bed yet so its still Valentine's in my mind) is Valentine's Day and I will not let it pass unremarked, unthought about...especially this one.

I am so very very blessed.

Its the truth, really. I love Master, so much, he has been such a big part of my world for the past year, making so much make sense, opening up so many new things to me. He makes so much safe, he gives me a haven, a stronghold. He's more then just a 'Master', one word could never define him nor how I feel for him, he is my best friend, my confidant, my protector, my lover, my heart my soul....so many things. And he loves me so thoroughly sometimes I am shocked by it. And yet..there is so much more to. For I have found another soulmate in Sir, in Gilead. Its crazy, scary, sometimes, how well we fit together, its like how Master and I were at first, this perfect fit, only in some ways we fit better at first then Master and I ever did. Part of that is because I'm myself, I'm not as afraid, I am not holding back so much of myself as I use to. I'm thankful for that too.

I love him, Gilead, he is my heart just as much as Master is now. I guess it might seem silly to some people, to love someone so deeply after so little time but there it is, it is true because that is what it is. He knows me and I him, in a way, with a connection that goes so far beyond what I've seen some people have after years. Why I am the one blessed this way I do not know.

Sometimes its all scary. But that makes me think its more real for that, that its not that I'm deluding myself; so many parts of myself still feel like I don't deserve this, this wonderful amazing thing, these two men adoring me, needing me, taking care of me. And yet I have it, and in their hands, surrounded by them I am safe, loved.

I just want to be wrapped in their arms forever. If I had one wish it would be to keep them with me forever, whatever the cost. I would move anywhere, do anything to be with them, to make them happy. And yet even with that its not what they want, they want to see my dreams come true, to make me happy. We are all talking about moving in together, spending time together, we talk, all three of us often and the two of them on and off through the day. I am always in touch with one of them, held, loved, known, cared for. After being alone for so long I'm surrounded and I love it, I sink in it and I want it to last forever. I will always try to be worthy of the love, the wonder that they give me, my amazing, talented, poetic men who steal my heart every day. Let this last forever and I shall never need for anything else.

Though I suppose that part is a little silly, of course I won't, they are both Doms who want to take care of me. To prove it...from Sir .... "There are no words to ever explain, beloved... how much you mean to us. But we can love and take care of you, that'd be a start at least..."

Let me stand in awe, for eternity I will, for forever they have promised me and for always I'll cling to them and serve them, adore them, try to be worthy of all that they give.

Today has had a lot of stress and ups and downs, but in the end of it, they loved me, love me and that will stay with me always. They are seared into my soul, needing as the sunlight, I am a plant growing toward their height, nurtured by them, nourished and taken care of. I couldn't think of what my life would be like without them.

Thank you my loves, for the phone calls first thing in the mornings, so each new day I greet with you by my side, for the long conversations, the laughter and jokes (yes even the Borat ones Sir!), the putting up with my rambles and my silly delight over the oddest of things. Thank you for always making me feel so beautiful and sensual, and yet sweet and innocent. For encouraging me to dream and follow those dreams, for picking me up when I fall down and can't see a way out, for cheering me up and helping me to forget about the world for a little while to ease it all. Thank you for giving all that you do every day, all the attention, the love, the reminders to eat or do this or that, to take care of myself until you can yourself. For flowers and visits, for songs and poems, for the past and the futures, for shared scars and hurts and cherished goals together.

Hopefully next year we can be together in person, but even if not...I am yours, always Sir, always Master, always your girl, your little one. And know how fully blessed I feel each moment of that.


<3

Weariness

I feel so overwhelmed.

I was going to write this week about how wonderful things are, how far forward I've grown in my relationships, how excited I am for the future. And that's all still true. But what's driving me to write tonight is just pure and complete overwhelming of life by school.

I can't do it, not all of it. I feel so afraid half of the time, frantically trying to do things, to keep up with stuff. And failing, failing so much. There is just too much to do. I have been working constantly since last Tuesday on things, I haven't even done nightly shows with my roomie, and right now there's a Valentine's Movie night going on for the house and I'm back here, trying to do school work and talking to the men. Everything is due tomorrow at midnight and I know there's no way in hell I can get it all done, seriously.

I made a list on Tuesday to keep track of everything and in the [] are notes on its progress.

Anatomy
- Read Session Pages [done]
- Take Quiz [done - 28/30]
- Three Fourty Minute Drawings [one done, one nearly done, one to be started]
- Drawing of Pelvis - 2+ hours [almost done]
- Drawing of Ribcage - 2+ hours [on third work now...being perfectionist]
- Discussion - multiple posts [ done]

*Special issues - didn't get all the right pencils. Have to pick up more on Friday./Got the pencils.


Figure Modeling
- Read Session Pages [done]
- Take Quiz [3/5 Stupid tricky question about bases and metal arms >.>]
- Build Armature [got it all but stupid arm...]
- Get clay and rest of supplies once fin. aid is in [done]
- View video demonstrations of the geometric figure [need to do]
- Exercise 2.1: Geometric Shapes [need to do]
- Exercise 2.2: Simple Proportions and Structure [need to do]
- Homework 2: Pure Form Egg [need to do]
- Discussion - multiple posts [first one done]

*Special issues - don't have hardware to construct the armature yet, nor the clay. Need fin. aid.


Intermediate Figure Drawing
- Read Session Pages [done]
- Watch Line Demo [not done]
- Line Figure of Female [done]
- Watch Rhythm Demo [not done - video missing]
- Three 40 minute drawings of Figures [not done]
- Discussion - multiple posts [done]

Art History
- Read Session Pages [done]
- Listen to Lecture [done]
- Take Quiz [10/10]
- 'Mini' Essay [done]
- Discussion - multiple posts [done]

*Special issues - none!

And my arm hurts, like hell. I got some sort of infected hair in my arm pit about a week ago, ignored it outside of putting on some cream to make it better. Which it didn't, no its just gotten worse. And then another one popped up and so I decide to try a natural cure, this sugar scrub which Shaine was nice enough to try and apply. May I just say that it hurt like all hell? It hurt way worse then any pain play I've ever done, then burns, then most things. I cried and could hardly breath for how badly it stung. And then the salt baths, torture, but it seemed to go down. The day after that we tried a cream and bandaid combo that seemed to work. Next day I got drunk so that when we tried to 'pop/lance' it and pour hydrogen perxoide on it it wouldn't make me die of agony. Only the needle didn't help get anything out, just made me bleed.

At least Master and Sir both got a kick out of that. Apparently I'm extremely entertaining when I'm drunk.

Next day was our trip to San Francisco, our being me, Shaine and H, just the girls. So I put on more of the cream and larger bandaid to reduce the rub of the skin and such. But what we didn't think of was the fact that I was going to be sweating, so when we went to pull it off later it was not fun. The air hit the cream which had perxoide in it apparently and it stung so bad I started to cry. So H dapped it off with a cool cloth. Look at the it the next day and a bunch of little pimple like things sprung up from the line where the bandaid had been. My left arm hurts so badly I can hardly move it, or focus on much. All I want to do is to revert back into a space where someone else, Master or Sir, takes care of me and I don't have to handle the world. Not exactly a good thing for trying to handle a busy busy semester.

And this semester is insane. I feel like I'm going to fail, there is no way I can handle all this work. I have been working constantly with only a few breaks here and there for food, even today, even on Valentine's Day I'm working. I haven't had time to write, to really play and enjoy myself. I'm not sleeping well, I feel ill and headachy a lot and I just....can't do this. I can't. And it scares me shitless. I don't know what to do to make it better but I feel like its all hopeless. I just want to sleep and let the world go away, completely.

But Master did get me roses and I'm blessed to have him and Sir...to have a plan to move in together in the near future...to have so much. But I ....gah, weary.

Gesture of Life

I’m a little late for this week, but what can one do?

Life has exploded for me, or at least that’s what it feels like for me lately. The semester started and last week was semi sensible, just getting into it and making sure everything is understood, welcomes and intros and all that. This week is the actually work, and its insane. The level and amount of it at least. And its effected other aspects of my life as well.

I had last semester easy, honestly, two book classes, a photography class and then my painting class. Yes painting was project/product based but it was something I love and that I’m good at. I can paint fast and loose and it ends up being pretty good, if I take what others have said to me. This semester is different. I have two charcoal classes which is probably my least favorite medium to work in, I can do wonderful things with a mechanical pencil or paint or digital, charcoal is a struggle and getting back into it after a semester off it driving me crazy. Anatomy and Intermediate Figure Drawing demand it though and so I’ll just have to get use to it I guess. At least the classes seem interesting, Figure Drawing will always be a thing I’m interested in and Anatomy is going to help me so much as an artist and its pretty interesting so far. I also love the teacher I have for Anatomy, who I also have for Figure Modeling, my sculpture class. Another class I’m a bit leery of….clay and I aren’t the best of friends.

On the upside I still have an art history class, 20th Century this time. It isn’t bad, this course load, but it is a lot of work and a lot of time. As in I have to do three forty minute drawings plus two three hour drawings for Anatomy alone. Add in two hours a day of clay projects for Figure Modeling and then another five per week at least for Figure Drawing and you got one busy slave girl.

Which adds complications to my relationships.

Since this last blog the landscape of my life has altered a lot, as in I am officially with Gilead, he is my Sir now.

Part of me is thrilled about this, most of me in fact, after all I love him so very much and he is just…beyond words. I honestly couldn’t put into words how I feel about him and Master, they are both so wonderful in such different ways. I started a new canvas with the New Year this year, firmly in the relationship with my Master, a year with him, and collared since May, happy for the most part. We are so strong, the two of us, and yet still sometimes I get afraid, but then who doesn’t? No one really knows what is going to happen. Master is a well known brush that I have in my hands everyday, and he paints a multitude of colors across my life, love, protection, structure, trust, reassurance, creativity…all those wonderful things, for we know each other so well. And yet lately there have been some other darker colors, not bad, because after all they are making us stronger in a way, more prepared for a life together down the line. Doesn’t make things any easier now but we can get through it.

I wonder if I seem fickle, to have posted all that about mon guardian and yet to fall in love with and accept Gilead as my Sir. But what can one do. I sit and think about myself, why I was so afraid to accept that brush into my hand, to use it to apply to the deeper more intimate parts of my life. I think it is that everyone, including myself of course, can tell when someone is or isn’t right or good for them. Mon guardian was wonderful but we were never meant to be together, not with the way he left. I think that was part of the reason why I was so hesitant and afraid over his love, because I expected the brush to be plucked from my hands the moment that it was taken.

I wasn’t far off the mark.

Sir is…something different. He is there, he is laughter and song, for he sings to me, woos me in so many ways. He is a ready shoulder when I need to cry, though he hates my tears, saying so often that ‘nothing is worth your tears’. He makes me feel like a princess, something Master is good at too. I trust him so much already a brush I have plucked up to use many times through the day, craving the sound of his voice, the flash of his smile. It scares me, how much I can love both of them when I thought love was over for me so long ago.

Ah February, how I hate this month. Two of my sisters have birthday’s this month and Eric died. Three people I lost, one sister leaving by choice, refusing to see me, one taken and yearning to see me as badly as I her, and Eric…Eric stolen away out of life altogether and leaving me alone and lost. February is a month of loss for me, always has been. January seems to be a month of gain, for both of the men in my life have birthday’s in January and I fell in love with both of them in January, ironic no?

Its funny, I use to think of life as one canvas, as a single project that one works steadily on, and perhaps it is, but I’m moving a lot slower at covering it then I was expecting. Lately it feels like each day is a new sheet of paper and all I can do is make the quickest gestures of lines before its done and over and I can only pray that the lines I did make were good and gave enough detail, told enough. I don’t feel like a painting, rich and deep in detail, but like a gesture drawing, rough, sketchy and frantic. I’m not sure I like it, but then I can grow through anything right?

I’ve rambled a bit haven’t I?

I guess my thoughts are like a gesture drawing as well, I can just give vague quick lines to try and give form, to show what is happening. But then life is moving, my model altered and the landscape new. I can hardly keep up with it, pick up the right pencil or stick to work with…yet all one can do is to keep trying and I should get better at it sooner or later. One can only hope.

Master said that he wanted me to try and do this blog about sexual submission, why I need to give it but honestly I can’t get my head into a sexual place right now so I hope that he will accept this honest outpour of my thoughts and know that it’s a sign of life changing so quickly and me trying to find my footing in it.