We-l-come

Welcome
That's what I'm going to write this blog about, being welcomed, welcoming things, people, all of those things. Its a simple word, probably used a lot, welcome. You enter a store and there's usually a welcome sign; enter a restaurant and someone is sure to chime it at you with a bright smile. Take a class in something and the first thing the teacher will do is 'welcome' you and explain things.

But it is so much more then just that, then just the word. We-l-come.

We'll come. Sort of sounds the same doesn't it? Bear with my oddness, I'm sure this is going somewhere. I guess I'm in a funny mood today, or a strange one, though those are close enough to the same thing.

For as often as it is said, written, put on doormats and otherwise spread through our world we don't really 'welcome' people a lot of times. We like our lives the way they are, I have to wonder how many waitress's chime the word and really think 'oh god not more people' or something of the like. Certainly it seems to fit into this notion that we have to be 'welcoming' to strangers, to new comers, etc, that we have to be polite and friendly, part of the all American charm. People who aren't automatically open and charming are usually thought of as 'withdrawn', 'snobby' or something of the like. Look at the stereotype we put on Europeans, mostly Brit's as being dry or cold. But they aren't.

I've had a lot of false welcome's in my life, a lot of people seeming to want me there, to be around, a lot of people saying the words that polite society has taught them to say. And you know what? I hated it. I still do. A smile and a 'oh its so nice to meet you, welcome to such and such' doesn't really make me feel a whole lot better then I can see that it doesn't carry out to more then words. I think that's a big issue for my generation and for the culture I live in as a whole, that we feel the need to do so much lip service and say what is 'right' and 'proper', though perhaps proper is the wrong word, maybe accepted. Because a lot of what fits in in our culture is so far from proper its hard to fathom.

So...where this is going and what it has to actually do with my life....I really am odd sometimes. Most people can't follow the jumps my mind makes in person. I'm thankful Master works so hard to.

As a foster kid I had the 'welcome' thing slung around a bit more then most people probably, all the new homes, new workers, new counselor's, all that. And for as often as the word was said I never once really felt 'welcomed'. I don't think Master has ever said the word actually....I'll have to ask him once I finish this.

The first time in my life I think that I felt what welcome really truly meant was when I came here, to my new 'Mom's' house. She made me feel like part of her family, like her daughter. She helped me, encouraged me, advised me but never pushed me. Her daughter, my friend M was really wonderful about it as well. I have never felt so much a part of a family before, and for someone that has lived in so many different houses with...I think at least eleven different sets of 'parents' that is saying something rather remarkable.

I'm a little nervous now, thinking about this summer.

Master is on his way here right now. And then I'll be packing up my stuff to go back with him, to spend the summer back in Texas with my aunt and uncle. Only I won't be spending it just with them, probably a lot more with my friend Sunshine (that's what I call her <3 I'm her Dove). I adore Sunshine, I really really do. She is just...incredible in a way that I can't name really. She's a sub, like me, and in the lifestyle, poly too, though a masochist where I'm not. But our tastes in so much else works together and we make each other laugh and smile a lot. Its so easy to talk to her, to share parts of myself I usually hold in in fear. And she, she is so so STRONG, so incredible in all she had lived through and still does, a really amazing person. And I'm going to be staying with her for a bit, right there with her in person and I'm terrified that she won't like me as much in person, though she has said that's silly.

She made me feel so accepted and welcomed even through the 'stiff' form of communication of text and I am looking forward to meeting her in person, to knowing that warmth in reality. But after all the false friends I am so nervous and terrified as well. But that will pass, I'm sure.

I have to say....I want to be the type of person that when I welcome someone, when I say something, no one will ever doubt my sincerity in my words.

So...welcome to my insane ramblings xp

The Downhill Battle

Yeah, that's what's going on right now.

I hate, HATE depression. I really, really, really do. I wonder if I stress enough how much I loath the thing it will finally leave me alone again. Who knows. Right now though it feels like I'm just sliding deeper and deeper with no way out and no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no reason for me to feel like this right now, no purpose, no trigger, I just don't get why something so stupid can bring me so low.

Life is good, really it is. So how do I explain why I feel this way? I mean I'm doing really really good in school, mostly enjoying my classes (outside of the rage at stupid modern art that isn't really art). But when I get depressed I can't work up creativity to do school work and get meh about it which makes me slower which makes me behind which piles on more work to do get caught up. Oh and did I mention that I'm going into final projects now? Three weeks before the end of the semester is not the time to have a fucking melt down for no reason.

I hate myself for this, for not being able to change it, get over it. There's no reason to feel this way...

I'm living with a woman who has made me very much a part of her family. I'm going to New York City in two weeks. I get to see Master in four and spend a week with him before going to Texas to see family and spend time with some amazing girl friends. I have plans to move in with Master in August, apartments being looked at, ideals discussed. I have next semester to look forward to, commissions to do during the summer. My writing has been wonderful lately and I've gotten top marks on all my work. I have two new girl friends that make me smile and laugh a lot each day who have introduced me to some awesome music. I have a fiance/Master that I love to death and who's very there for me.

Why the fucking hell do I feel so miserable then?

I have never felt so helplessly angry before in my life, and trust me that is saying something. I've lived through so much so why do I feel so low when there is no reason for it? I just want to crawl into bed and cry and sleep, I don't want to eat, to read, to draw to do anything. I ache all over and just want the pain to go away. Its not just physical, its mental, I feel like I can't focus, like I can't be there or really laugh or just....why am I like this? I just can't understand that and that fact just makes it worse...there's no point, no reason so I can't fix it, I can't make it go away.

I'm struggling to just get myself out of bed lately, to make myself eat.

Please, whatever higher power is out there just show me a way out of this, I'm not a melancholic by nature, I like to laugh and smile and day dream and just enjoy life. I think I deserve to enjoy it after all the stuff I've been through. I just can't figure out why this is going on or how to fix it and it puts me into tears several times through out the day. Everytime I think its going away getting better I just slid deeper after a perk up. I keep getting up in the morning thinking 'today will be better' but it isn't. I hate this.

I hate it.

and I hate this blog but I needed to vent about the helpless frustration. Ignore this if you don't mind.