No Sleep

So...no sleep last night.

Not even really sure why, I mean I wasn't upset or afraid or anything and when I went to the bedroom, on time I might add, I was tired. Very much so. And looking forward to sleeping. Master and I are picking up my bedtime and wakeup time again and I'm so happy about it; so I was a little pissed at myself for not being able to fall asleep like I should have. And I tried. I curled up with the teddy bear he gave me, I breathed in his scent and recited my mantra, I thought of each of my stories with him, listed off character's and myths of Gwiv....

Two hours later I was still awake, wide awake.

He had class today though, ontop of staying up nearly to my bedtime last night so I didn't want to call him, not when nothing was wrong, not when I didn't know why I couldn't sleep. But that meant that I didn't get any sleep at all. Around four I tried reading a bit, to see if that could wear out my mind/eyes. No luck.

And when I did finally steal some broken sleep...it was just about the time I was suppose to wake up.

When I did wake up again fully, after one thanks to Sunshine checking on me. Apparently my phone had gotten lost under the bed during one of my restless tossing and turns in the night. Which meant that I missed the handsome's phone call. Not really happy about that.

So...today. I got roughly four broken hours of sleep, and then after waking went to take a long hot shower. And now, sickenly, I'm thoroughly awake. I doubt I'll sleep really until tonight if then, all I can do is pray that it won't be like that one time back in Fall 2008 when I was up for four days with broken naps here and there. I don't want to go back to that, I hate it when something like this happens, not being able to sleep, or worse, not being able to keep down food for no apparent reason. There's nothing causing this that I can tell and after all the years of living inside my broken mind I've gotten pretty good at figuring out reasons for why my mind/body do the odd things that they do.

Pretty good but not good enough.

Is it this frustrating for a normal person? Well I guess you would have to define 'normal' but it something I know I'm very much not. My friend Ari doesn't get enough sleep, really, she sleeps less then me and that's saying something. She sleeps less then I did at my worst I think, but still it bothers me. Why can't I even control that one small part of myself? Sometimes I get so very very angry at myself for not being able to handle things better, for being...well me. But that I guess is pointless and useless, cause I'll always be me, no getting around that. And there are a ton of people who love me, so I think I might well get in trouble for changing.

Okay...I guess this is enough venting/griping. So much for keeping my blog philosophical and reflective lately.