So, here I am once more, trying to write more often.
In my last blog I said something about how life is about failure. I was semi resigned to it, and I guess I found an upside to such failures, as long as they are small ones. In that I was told by my teacher that my still life as of last Tuesday was totally off and I had to start a new one. I took two days off to try and get my head on straight and then went at it. And you know what? The second one turned out a lot better then the first, and it was a lot faster. So, for once, failure worked for me.
Granted, right now at midnight the night before I have to turn it in I'm not overly pleased with having cut it so close. Or with the fact that now I"m behind on the schedule I had planned out for this week. Considering I have a term paper due on Wednesday and a hand and foot, both fully rendered due on Thursday. Its just going to be one of those weeks.
But that's okay.
I am on a writing forum, and about a week ago or so I went out to an art show gallery, got all dressed up and posted a video of me on that forum. In a little black dress, black four inch heels and with make up. I got a ton of compliments. But posting the video is the real thing for me I think, I was confident enough to put something of myself out there. I mean, a face picture, shows just that, your face, and I'm pretty enough to be semi comfortable with that. But to post a video showing off my body in a sexy dress? Not something I would have ever seen myself doing even a few months ago. But, as one of the comment's said "You are just brimming with confidence" and its true. It took confidence to post up that video of myself, and I realized, it takes confidence to write these blogs. Because I'm showing 'off', sharing parts of myself I once would have kept hidden. I have become sure in who I am, in that fact that regardless of what a few may think, that most people on that forum will like me, will want to see me. I am more sure of my reception with other people.
Don't get me wrong, part of me is still freaking out every time there is more then say three people around, and even then, no promises. I am always unsure, what if they don't like me? What if I do something wrong? There is always that fear, that self doubt, but I've eased it some. I have confidence in myself and how I present myself to the world around me. I've struggled with confidence a lot lately. After being one of the top students in my high school and my last college, to come here and struggle and work my ass of to get C's....well it wasn't very encouraging or a happy thing. But I have had the people in my life who matter tell me that they don't care what grade I get. I tied up my self worth and identity with how I performed in school, bad idea. I'm trying to fix it. Lets see if I can.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Little Time to Think
I have fallen off blogging.
I didn't mean to, its more that school, and well life in general has swallowed me up whole. I hardly have enough time in the day to myself, that isn't full of something, in some manner or another. No more time for just sitting still and thinking. I miss it partly, so I'm going to try to start doing it again more. But yes, school has overwhelmed a lot of things, its pushing me, driving me nuts and challenging. I use to think I wanted that, but now I have to seriously doubt my sanity since I sought out this crazy school. I've taken and sustained several blows to my psyche the last few months with the C's I get, which mean, here that I"m doing what I'm expected to do. If you get an A, you shouldn't be in that class. How hard to accept that, that grades, in the end, really don't matter.
We have been programed for so many years that grades are all important, that they are how we measure our worth and success in life against. And then once we get out of school, out of traditional colleges, and into real life, or some crazy situation like my school, we realize just how little they mean. And damn, let me tell you, its hard to adjust. Its hard to realize that suddenly, everything we believed was important, really isn't. However, there are upsides. Now its all about what I produce, what the end product is. And you know what, sure I'm not all that great yet, but I'm a lot better then I was when I started this semester. Art is hard, its so hard to not compare yourself against everyone else, but its all subjective, because art is part of you. It isn't as clear cut as English and History, though let me tell you, I have my moments wishing it was.
But part of that is good, because it makes me realize that you can't compare yourself against other people. You just can't. There really were always be someone better then you (in this school more like probably, a hundred, since they are ahead of you). So you have to stop obsessing over what you can't do and focus on what you can and just kick up the work level until you can do all that you need to.
"Life is about failure."
Its true, but its not quiet that simple. Life is about how you get around that failure, its about how you take that failure and improve, move past and come out on top at the end. So heres to coming out on top for all of us. Just remember to be yourself, because, that my friend, is something only you can do. Only I can be, only I can bring to the table my art, my ideas and my emotions. So that makes me special, especially to the people who want me for me.
School is drawing towards the end, the frenzy of finals is just about to eat me up and possess me. I'll have to make an effort to just sit down and think things out and write my blogs. I didn't realize how such a little thing helped so much with keeping me sane. And as an artist, you need all the sane you can get.
I didn't mean to, its more that school, and well life in general has swallowed me up whole. I hardly have enough time in the day to myself, that isn't full of something, in some manner or another. No more time for just sitting still and thinking. I miss it partly, so I'm going to try to start doing it again more. But yes, school has overwhelmed a lot of things, its pushing me, driving me nuts and challenging. I use to think I wanted that, but now I have to seriously doubt my sanity since I sought out this crazy school. I've taken and sustained several blows to my psyche the last few months with the C's I get, which mean, here that I"m doing what I'm expected to do. If you get an A, you shouldn't be in that class. How hard to accept that, that grades, in the end, really don't matter.
We have been programed for so many years that grades are all important, that they are how we measure our worth and success in life against. And then once we get out of school, out of traditional colleges, and into real life, or some crazy situation like my school, we realize just how little they mean. And damn, let me tell you, its hard to adjust. Its hard to realize that suddenly, everything we believed was important, really isn't. However, there are upsides. Now its all about what I produce, what the end product is. And you know what, sure I'm not all that great yet, but I'm a lot better then I was when I started this semester. Art is hard, its so hard to not compare yourself against everyone else, but its all subjective, because art is part of you. It isn't as clear cut as English and History, though let me tell you, I have my moments wishing it was.
But part of that is good, because it makes me realize that you can't compare yourself against other people. You just can't. There really were always be someone better then you (in this school more like probably, a hundred, since they are ahead of you). So you have to stop obsessing over what you can't do and focus on what you can and just kick up the work level until you can do all that you need to.
"Life is about failure."
Its true, but its not quiet that simple. Life is about how you get around that failure, its about how you take that failure and improve, move past and come out on top at the end. So heres to coming out on top for all of us. Just remember to be yourself, because, that my friend, is something only you can do. Only I can be, only I can bring to the table my art, my ideas and my emotions. So that makes me special, especially to the people who want me for me.
School is drawing towards the end, the frenzy of finals is just about to eat me up and possess me. I'll have to make an effort to just sit down and think things out and write my blogs. I didn't realize how such a little thing helped so much with keeping me sane. And as an artist, you need all the sane you can get.
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