Runaway Thoughts

My thoughts are like a run away train.

I guess I should explain that a bit more, and I will try to, if my thoughts will be nice enough to work with me. I can't stop thinking and its all so fast paced, like a run away train in truth, the moment I set upon one thing, then its off, to another, like a race of some sort. I'm left feeling a little confused, lost and like the wind has run through me a time too many. Most people want to feel like they are smart and think fast, to be able to summon information upon a whim. Well let me tell you its not all fun. I'm smart, for the most part, but I have moments when I can't grasp anything because my thoughts are going too fast for me to capture, when I go from one thing to the next faster then most people can follow. Its not a disorder, at least I don't think so, its not like I have an issue focusing, indeed focusing is easy, I can slip into whatever mind space I need to when given a task. Its when I don't have something to do that I get...anzy I suppose.

A lot of people have remarked to me what a sweet and proper submissive I am, and for the most part I guess that is true. I'm shy before most, sweet and demure, I tend to keep my rambling thoughts to myself or my close friends, I try so hard to always behave to be good. I want to be the good girl, no need to seek out punishment. Master likes pain anyway, so if I desire that I can simply ask, not that big of a deal. But I do more bad then good with my obessive, unending thoughts, with the inability to turn my mind off even for short periods of time. The only time I really get to do a full shut down of any kind is when I'm painting, so zoned in and in my own little world, like meditating sort of, or when Master is touching me, using me. Then I can slip back into the same place I find in painting, that same release. A lot of subs enjoy being able to shut off their minds and let go, for me that's still a hard thing to do. And to let go control in most things? Yeah, not exactly happening easily. I like control, I need it in some ways, I over plan everything. Even to how I'm going to tackle my homework per week. I probably spend as much time thinking about in what order and what manner would be best to do something as actually doing it.

I guess what I am trying to get at it is, I'm not as good as people think I am. Or rather, I am but its slightly compromised by my own incessant thoughts.

I wish I could shut them out, and a lot of time they aren't even good ones. Rather I obsess over if I did something properly, if I'm good enough, if I'm too big, too thick, silly stupid things I shouldn't think. I mean, sometimes I even wonder if perhaps Master could find a better submissive, doubting myself to that level which I know it not only stupid but ridiculous. But its one thing to know something and another to absorb it I guess, and my skull is proving to be particularly thick apparently. I guess one thing that bothers me the most is that some of my thoughts I can't even fully give words to, they are just there, hovering and lingering influencing my emotions and not in a good way. I was crying for a good amount of minutes one night, after being sexually forward and then moving off suddenly, just so jumbled up and confused by my own headspace, I couldn't even explain to master what the problem was. I still have so many things to work through, so many limits I can't touch or am too afraid too, along with clinging to control that I don't need anymore. I know he will take care of me and won't let me fall, I just wish it was easy to do as it is to say....but then that wouldn't be life now would it.

Okay, done rambling for now....stay tuned for the next blog if you are really all that interested in my insanity.

Contentment

Such a simple, nice word no? Content. I am content.

Actually, right now I'm walking on clouds. I just got a B on my first painting for the semester, which I was not expecting. After struggling with it for a few days I finally stepped back, said I was done and resigned myself to a C, after all that was what I got repeatedly last semester, much to my annoyance and sorrow. But I got a B, straight off. Have to say that makes me so beyond happy, so eager for more this semester. And yes, the semester has started again. I'm still going to the Academy, no plans to transfer, to change anything. I am a Fine Art's Painting major at the Academy of Art University in San Francisco. Now that felt good to say.

Can you tell I'm a bit silly tonight?

Oh well, its me, just another part of me, and I feel so light at heart, so at peace and ease with myself, in a way I really don't think I've known before. My new years resolution to live life for me, for what I want, has turned out rather amazingly. I ended up dating the most amazing guy in the whole world (well for me at least xp), falling in love in a way I never thought I could. And a few months later my happiness was further compounded by him collaring me and finally I had both a protector, a Prince, and the Dom, the Master I always ached for. Sometimes you really can get everything you want in a partner apparently. I went to art school, something some of my family and friends frowned up, I've traveled, I've made love (and god damn, was it amazing), I've made friends, I've opened up and blossomed. And I keep doing so. I'm still afraid sometimes, I still second guess myself, but this is my life and I only get to be young once, might as well make the most of it. My brushes for the canvas that is this year of my life have been carefully chosen and the colors, oh my colors are many and varied. I'm experiencing so much, open to it, loving, thriving.

For this semester I'm taking

Still Life Painting (and I got a B! Yes repeating that, still afterglow lol)
Art History 15th century through the 19th (dear heavens do I adore this class)
Film Post 1940 (interesting but betting this will be my hard class, so lost)
Digital Photography and Photoshop (I hate photoshop)


I love my classes, the challenges they give me. The academic chhallenge, its revved up my mind again and I really really do adore school, its my happy place. It stimulates me, it has clear boundaries and rules, you do this, you get this, and I'm learning such wonderful things. I know a BFA in Fine Arts probably isn't all that practical in this economy, but you know what? Its what I want, its what I feel I need to do, so its what I'm doing and I have faith life will work out in the end. Just like with Mon Voleur, may not know how practical it is for us to be together at times, states part for months at a time, but in the end, things will work out, because its meant to be. There's a release in believing that.

My creativity is just flowing lately, I'm writing, painting, singing and loving life.

I'm lucky enough that this month I get to live with Mon Voleur, which would be another reason why I'm so blissfully happy. How can a girl not be when she sleeps in his bed? When he holds her, loves her, caresses her, feeds her and cherishes her. I spent nearly every waking moment with him and I love every second of it. He is my world, my everything, my heart, my Thief in truth. I can't imagine my life without him, forever I am his......okay off ramble about the most wonderful man I have ever known.

I keep meeting new people and learning about them, making new friends, opening myself up more. I'm learning that I am special, beautiful, that I really do have something new and wonderful to offer the world, and I'm going to make sure I give it. I know I'm blessed, to have found a Master that fits so perfectly with what I need, with what I have always wanted, to be able to go to one of the best art schools, to have such wonderful friends, to know so much about myself so young. But I promsie, I won't be lazy, I won't let my time slip by, I'll live my life to the fullest, cherishing each moment and focusing on my future, on the future I want to build and paint and create.

Brush strokes people, I'm loving these brush strokes.