Grrh. Just Grrh.

I am so so frustrated right now, frustrated and depressed and just...grrh.

School this semester is hard, just plain freaking hard. I knew it was coming with Color and Design but Perspective is hard too and just...gah. Master wanted to go back and visit family in Alabama that he missed and I went with him, I really didn't know if it was a good idea or not. Turns out it wasn't for school, we didn't have internet, I lost whole days to traveling and other things. I didn't have a good workspace. Its just been a struggle. Granted outside of school work it was wonderful, we finally reconnected in a way I was worried we couldn't anymore.

Still it lead me to deciding that I need to drop a class, Italian, I just can't have three hard classes a semester. It just is a bad idea. I was loosing my sanity even with the help of a Italian friend.

But now I'm home and I have a lot to do still, a full weeks worth pretty much because I could do hardly anything in Alabama. I have four days to do it in and I just feel frustrated, overwhelmed and still depressed. I guess I haven't fully shaken that off yet. Who knows. I tried doing my color mixing today for my color roughs and failed, epically and now I just want to cry. I can't do this, or at least it feels that way, I just can't succeed at this and its driving me crazy.

I know that if I can just get myself to calm down and focus I might be able to but...its hard. And the warm fuzzies of the visit are already dying. Master took me telling him something as me snapping, he wants to go out to go grocery shopping and such. I feel like I can't take any more time away from school work regardless of the fact that there are things we need to do. I don't see why he can't do them though and leave me to focus on school which I neglected for so long because I was with him. Its midterms and I feel like I'm barely hanging on here and yet...I don't feel like he's being supportive at all. Its probably just me, he probably doesn't even get why I don't want to leave the apartment after just getting home, he probably doesn't understand why I'm so frustrated. Or maybe he does and I'm just caught up in my own head space.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with school, it costs so much and its so hard, I love it yeah but...still.

I've shut myself up in the bedroom, locked the door even because yes, I want to be left alone that much. I love him, so very much and things have improved a lot over the past week while we were in Alabama. But I can't help but be frustrated when he wants to go out and do things when I have stuff I need to do badly. He might be very well doing school work himself, or something important but he still haven't gone looking for a job, and honestly that's stressful to me. I know he will, I know he'll take care of me but it still stresses me. I'm starting to wonder what in the world doesn't stress me now. I feel like I'm just a bundle of stress these days.

He's been amazing lately, making me relax and remember to laugh and enjoy things; he's the man I fell in love with and so much more at the same time. He certainly keeps in mind who I am more then other people. I'm sick of people saying one thing and doing another, of feeling like I have no place in their life, that I'm readily replaced. That's probably why I've been spending less and less time on E lately and more time on KV where people make me feel welcomed, celebrated and loved. Its just painful to be on E, just makes the depression worse.

I feel like I'm fighting against letting everything go, everything darkening, depressing. I hate that. I know things aren't that bad, that I can own my paper and knock out things quickly. I mean its not like it should take me overly long to write a paper about thumbnails but...its just hard to even get myself started. And I'm rambling and angry and hurt and just....~sighs~ today is one of those days I just want to re do or sleep away.

To Do List

Perspective
- Re ink and develop week 5's work
- Apply lighting to it
- Redo the lighting for week 2
- Reading
  - Session Pages
- Quiz

Color and Design
- Redo Color matching
   - in progress shots
- Color Roughs - 2 by Monday
- Discussion
- Quiz

Communication for the Artist
- Research paper
- Outline paper
- Write paper
- Discussion
- Read session pages
-Quiz