May I just say that its really easy to lie to oneself?
Truly it is, think about it for a moment and I'm sure you'll find out that you do it too! Oh what fun. I like to think I'm better then most about self denial stuff, that I know and face my issues, that I can call myself on them and improve myself. I'm certainly more self aware/retrospective then most people around my age. I say most, because of course not everyone is the same. I'm not proud of that fact, in fact sometimes I wish I wasn't, that I didn't obsessively think and consider everything around me, including myself.
But there it is, its me. I can't help it.
Life has been crazily busy lately, moving from one thing to the next all so fast, so fluid and I've let myself slid, allowed too much slack. I've made up excuses for myself, ignored flaws. Now its time to face that mirror and acknowledge what I see. Master and Sir have both been wonderful lately, though not without their own problems, but hey that's life and it takes two to tango and this isn't about them, this is about me and me calling myself on my issues, again.
So that look in the mirror...
I've been doing some hard thinking today, and while I've been told a lot that nothing that's happened lately is 'my fault' that I didn't do 'anything wrong' the truth is part of it is my fault and I have messed up. So here I am, laying myself bare in the best way I know how, stripping back the illusions so that we can create a better foundation. And sometimes its easier to say something here then it is to say it in person, or in IM or on phone.
Biggest thing?
Attachment disorder flare ups.
I so so so thought I was over this, I hoped I was, I never wanted to deal with it again. The first six months with Master were rocky and rough thanks to it. I would cling to him only to push at him, at the limits, to drive us both crazy. Aeval was talking to me the other day about how foster children, who are hurt and confused and wary tend to do that, to push at the boundaries to see what they are and then to break them, to make the situation end on their terms instead of the foster parents. Better to have that little bit of control then none. I can fess up to doing that a few times in foster care, but in small ways, I was too afraid to really do that, and well I don't like being bad.
But in relationships? Romantic ones? Oh I do it, because I expect people to leave me, to get bored with me and leave. So I push and shove them away only to cling when they seem to start to shift.
Its horrible, selfish and not the sort of person I want to be.
I didn't do it to Master, no we made it past that after a few shouting matches and some other hard work. Sir was the unlucky one this time and I am truly ashamed for not seeing that I have been doing that on and off the past month. And I have justified it to myself, saying that its because I needed alone time, but no, I wanted time with him, I couldn't make up my mind, one moment one thing, the next another. Granted no one is ever blameless, but he's owned up to his flaws, its about time I did the same.
Another flaw I've indulged lately?
Avoiding topics, not talking about them. I get so afraid that talking will ruin things, will end them or cause issues. So I stay to safe topics, say the same things over and over again and just don't talk about how I honestly feel. And I was getting on Sir for not sharing how he felt with me...yeah not really the best moment right now, I truly have egg on my face.
Communication is so important to healthy relationships, especially M/s ones and especially especially Poly.
Sometimes I feel so stupid, because the things that have caused issues between Master and I still show up in my new relationship with Sir, shouldn't I have learned and gotten over these things by now? Shouldn't I be better? But I am only twenty and I am only human and at least I know of them now and will work forward on them. Its so easy to play the pity party, to be the victim and I am more then a little upset with myself. I refuse to play victim, if something is wrong then I'll fix it, I'll work at it and improve it. I'll be better, he'll be better, and the future that we dream of so brightly will be ours. Its that simple, I won't allow myself to think of it any other way.
I rush into things, headlong, doing what I think will make others happy even if I am not sure about it myself. That obsessive need to people please that really just fucks everything up...so many flaws, its nearly painful to type this now, to commit these words, but I will, its a cleansing, a purging, and a offering. A sincere gift to lay myself bare in this venue, to put my words out here to say I know I messed up and I'll do better. Its a surrender. Something to hold myself accountable to and for Sir to know that I won't just let this brush under the rug and be forgotten.
I love you, Sir. So much. I will be better, for you, for Master, for our future. I will be the wonderful person you saw when you fell in love with me, I just got a little lazy and you deserve so much more. I'm learning as I go, its hard at times, but I'll make it worth those hard times.
So here is my unvarnished truth, my painful confession of flaws and my hopes, offered up with a loving heart and the dreams of a better future, a better 'us'.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Stereotypes
Thoughts, thoughts....so this blog I want to address thoughts on stereotypes, and talk a bit about how they have affected me, and still do.
Funny huh? I actually have a goal in mind for this entry about my life...Hopefully its a good sign, I do want to get back into examining myself and my reasons for things, into being philosophical about life in general. I think its a good thing for people to do.
So to address stereotypes first I must label myself I guess.
I am...
a college student
a young adult
a female
a submissive
a artist
a bride-to-be
a little
a abuse survivor
and the one that's affected me the most?
I was a foster kid
So now you have all the lovely labels that can be stuck to me, or, well maybe not all. I'm a brunette, an painter, a curvy, tall girl, I'm green eyed....and there are things that are 'tied' to all of those too. However I'm not going to nitpick every detail about myself.
Stereotypes, oh how I hate them, truly, they do hardly anything good for people. Especially in some contexts. The one I loath the most probably is that of foster kid. So many people see that as meaning 'problem kid', ones beyond help and saving, kids that run on the bad side of the tracks, sure to get in trouble. And a foster girl? Oh well they always go back to the life their parents had, or worse, they always end up knocked up at the least, or in jail or the like.
Not.
I guess my anger will read out pretty well through these words, this baring of myself upon the canvas of this blog. It still hurts, how much people read into something so simple as being a foster kid, as not living with your natural parents. A lot of foster kids are taken away from their parents, yes, I chose to leave. I have never fit into the stereotype of a foster child and yet I have been both aided and hurt by it. Sure I got money for it for college and that's how I'm putting myself through school, but outside of that it hasn't done a lot of me. Well, not in ways I like to think of I guess, I can adapt to almost any living space, get along with almost any room mate, I can make myself all but invisible and charm anyone I want. I learned a lot of different dynamics and cultures, learned how to fit into them and not take notice, I learned how to drive myself forward, that no one would be there for me to chase my dreams. I had to do it all alone. Not happy things but still I learned them.
Why do people feel the need to box us in? To put us in labels that so fall short of who and what we are? I don't get it, yes I am all those labels I mentioned, yet none of them is me, they are all just a part of me. People want a easy way to think about others, its human nature to be lazy, hell I find myself falling into it sometimes
"Well so-so is a slave so she must think this way..." or "Who is such a masochist..." I try to shake those off, and that's just taking about lifestyle stuff, it happens in everyday things too, in classes, its so easy to get hooked into that mindset, because you know everything can be neatly labeled these days. That's how one codes address books and just look at our iTunes! But people aren't files or names or numbers, they are people and they don't stay in boxes, in little imposed lines, they blend and bleed out of them, becoming more, always are more then what we see.
I'm submissive but I'm independent, I only put myself before my Master and my Sir, they who earn my devotion and trust. I'm sweet but I can be snippy and proud at times, I'm gentle but I can hit back when I'm hit. We all bleed, we all breathe, and I think its about time others started to stop looking for how others are different, but rather at what they have in common. First thing? We are all human and there should be some sort of basic empathy for others that goes with that....should be.
But far too often there isn't.
Funny huh? I actually have a goal in mind for this entry about my life...Hopefully its a good sign, I do want to get back into examining myself and my reasons for things, into being philosophical about life in general. I think its a good thing for people to do.
So to address stereotypes first I must label myself I guess.
I am...
a college student
a young adult
a female
a submissive
a artist
a bride-to-be
a little
a abuse survivor
and the one that's affected me the most?
I was a foster kid
So now you have all the lovely labels that can be stuck to me, or, well maybe not all. I'm a brunette, an painter, a curvy, tall girl, I'm green eyed....and there are things that are 'tied' to all of those too. However I'm not going to nitpick every detail about myself.
Stereotypes, oh how I hate them, truly, they do hardly anything good for people. Especially in some contexts. The one I loath the most probably is that of foster kid. So many people see that as meaning 'problem kid', ones beyond help and saving, kids that run on the bad side of the tracks, sure to get in trouble. And a foster girl? Oh well they always go back to the life their parents had, or worse, they always end up knocked up at the least, or in jail or the like.
Not.
I guess my anger will read out pretty well through these words, this baring of myself upon the canvas of this blog. It still hurts, how much people read into something so simple as being a foster kid, as not living with your natural parents. A lot of foster kids are taken away from their parents, yes, I chose to leave. I have never fit into the stereotype of a foster child and yet I have been both aided and hurt by it. Sure I got money for it for college and that's how I'm putting myself through school, but outside of that it hasn't done a lot of me. Well, not in ways I like to think of I guess, I can adapt to almost any living space, get along with almost any room mate, I can make myself all but invisible and charm anyone I want. I learned a lot of different dynamics and cultures, learned how to fit into them and not take notice, I learned how to drive myself forward, that no one would be there for me to chase my dreams. I had to do it all alone. Not happy things but still I learned them.
Why do people feel the need to box us in? To put us in labels that so fall short of who and what we are? I don't get it, yes I am all those labels I mentioned, yet none of them is me, they are all just a part of me. People want a easy way to think about others, its human nature to be lazy, hell I find myself falling into it sometimes
"Well so-so is a slave so she must think this way..." or "Who is such a masochist..." I try to shake those off, and that's just taking about lifestyle stuff, it happens in everyday things too, in classes, its so easy to get hooked into that mindset, because you know everything can be neatly labeled these days. That's how one codes address books and just look at our iTunes! But people aren't files or names or numbers, they are people and they don't stay in boxes, in little imposed lines, they blend and bleed out of them, becoming more, always are more then what we see.
I'm submissive but I'm independent, I only put myself before my Master and my Sir, they who earn my devotion and trust. I'm sweet but I can be snippy and proud at times, I'm gentle but I can hit back when I'm hit. We all bleed, we all breathe, and I think its about time others started to stop looking for how others are different, but rather at what they have in common. First thing? We are all human and there should be some sort of basic empathy for others that goes with that....should be.
But far too often there isn't.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Future
The Future.
Sounds simple enough right? Most people think of it that way but it isn't for me. Or rather it is and it isn't. Its wonderful and so full of promise and delights, full of love in my dreams now, but its also terrifying and too big at times. I guess it really is silly to get overwhelmed by things that haven't happened yet but there it is, its part of me as irrational as it is. But then a lot of my fears are irrational. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself over it too.
My future is full of nothing but promises, of delights to an extent, to things I would have never dared dream of. Things that have other people jealous of me. That I would have never expected. I never saw my future as a bright thing really, as anything anyone else would want. When I was younger, as in after I graduated from high school (oh yes two years between then and now is so huge I know...), I use to think that I would just do school, try to do something good with myself and then die. Before I was 30. That was my goals, my plan.
Big dreams huh?
No one would have ever thought I would be where I am today either, I don't think, certainly I never did. I mean, after all I'm going to Europe in eighty one days. Yes, Europe, to England to spend a month. How did my life turn into this? I never wanted anything to do with love after Eric died, at least not love like that and other sorts had hurt so much. I had sworn off men and then Master comes into my life...and now Sir. I have two amazing incredible men who love me and take care of me, who want to lay the world at my feet. I'm not sure I'm worthy of even one of them and yet they both tell me that I am divine, not of this world, so precious and wonderful and I just listen and melt inside. But there is still that voice sometimes, that same voice that has always been there I think, the darkness, saying I'm not. That I'm broken and messed up and bad for them. Good thing they are both so patient and stubborn. Oh and I'm engaged...twice over.
I am so happy, so so so happy most times, most days. I wake up to one of them, with a smile on my lips and a brightness in my heart. I go through the day and smile nearly all the time, I sing under my breath and laugh and just dream of the future. And then you have the reverse, where I obsess over things that are just idiotic, where I plan, pick out things to stress about that are not really all that important....those damn run away thoughts again.
So, from a pretty bleak outlook to this planned....
- I'm going to see Master in under two weeks for a wonderful week of spring break.
- I'm living with someone that I admire and look up to as a role model who adores me and treats me like a daughter.
- I get to see Master again right before I go to England.
- I am going to England for forty two days and spending it all with Sir.
- I come back to the US for forty two days (funny how that worked out), to spend it with Aeval and Master and see other friends.
- Then I go back to England to be with Sir from late August onward.
- Master will come see us both in England and then for my 21st birthday we will all three go to Europe where I shall be gifted with a joint collar from both of them!
- Then we come back for Christmas with Aeval.
- And then move in together and...live
I'll never have to be alone again. Ever.
When I think about how wonderful all of this is going to be I don't understand myself, my fears, it makes no sense to be afraid of something that is only full of promise. I am living a life that most people would kill to do. I mean come on, I have two amazing, incredible, hot men who adore me, who pamper me. I've embraced my submissive side, relaxed enough to find my 'little' and trust them to take care of me. I've grown so much and can poke fun at myself. I am getting married, living with both of them, finding friends and blessings left and right.
But fuck if it doesn't all feel too good to be true.
I guess that's what it really boils down to, in the end. The fear of self sabotage, which is something a lot of people with PTSD struggle with. I mean I do work on my issues, I face them, I fess up to what I have issues with. I'm not the type to sugar coat things but still...I could mess up somehow and loose...so much. And that's what I fear. Loosing, messing up. I have opened myself up so much and even though I know Master and Sir are there forever, that Aeval is never going to reject me, that I am loved and cherished and -good- that there is still something bad and broken about me and that it will ruin everything that is so good. That everything will vanish because I'm not good enough. God these stupid irrational fears.
Master knows me so well, he pegged things I didn't even notice myself, he gets inside my head I swear and Sir is starting to do it too. They know these fears and dismiss them as nothing, loving me, wanting me, soothing me. They are the balm to my soul and I don't know how I would get through each day without them. Sir and I are still learning so much about each other though, we have so far to go, and yet have come far already. I'm extremely grateful for Master right now, for his patience when I freak out over little things, for calming me down and hitting the nail on the head with so many comments that show he really does know me, understand how my mind works. But even he can't get everything, even I can't, about myself.
Rambling this out helps, I need to blog more but even then I don't think there's a cure for what goes on inside my head, just learning how to deal with it better. I will just try and relax and focus on what is going on, on the good and ignore the bad thoughts. Master and Sir promised forever, so all I have to do is let them keep their word, and do my best to be good for them. I'm so far from perfect but I seem to be their perfect and for now I won't question that, just enjoy it.
I am good....I'm not the bad person my foster mom M made me out to be, I'm not cruel or mean, I'm a good person. I'm not shattered, just broken in a few ways and being broken isn't bad. Being broken is human, my imperfections make me who I am, make me who the people around me love...it helps me fit into those I love.
I am good. Somehow.
Sounds simple enough right? Most people think of it that way but it isn't for me. Or rather it is and it isn't. Its wonderful and so full of promise and delights, full of love in my dreams now, but its also terrifying and too big at times. I guess it really is silly to get overwhelmed by things that haven't happened yet but there it is, its part of me as irrational as it is. But then a lot of my fears are irrational. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself over it too.
My future is full of nothing but promises, of delights to an extent, to things I would have never dared dream of. Things that have other people jealous of me. That I would have never expected. I never saw my future as a bright thing really, as anything anyone else would want. When I was younger, as in after I graduated from high school (oh yes two years between then and now is so huge I know...), I use to think that I would just do school, try to do something good with myself and then die. Before I was 30. That was my goals, my plan.
Big dreams huh?
No one would have ever thought I would be where I am today either, I don't think, certainly I never did. I mean, after all I'm going to Europe in eighty one days. Yes, Europe, to England to spend a month. How did my life turn into this? I never wanted anything to do with love after Eric died, at least not love like that and other sorts had hurt so much. I had sworn off men and then Master comes into my life...and now Sir. I have two amazing incredible men who love me and take care of me, who want to lay the world at my feet. I'm not sure I'm worthy of even one of them and yet they both tell me that I am divine, not of this world, so precious and wonderful and I just listen and melt inside. But there is still that voice sometimes, that same voice that has always been there I think, the darkness, saying I'm not. That I'm broken and messed up and bad for them. Good thing they are both so patient and stubborn. Oh and I'm engaged...twice over.
I am so happy, so so so happy most times, most days. I wake up to one of them, with a smile on my lips and a brightness in my heart. I go through the day and smile nearly all the time, I sing under my breath and laugh and just dream of the future. And then you have the reverse, where I obsess over things that are just idiotic, where I plan, pick out things to stress about that are not really all that important....those damn run away thoughts again.
So, from a pretty bleak outlook to this planned....
- I'm going to see Master in under two weeks for a wonderful week of spring break.
- I'm living with someone that I admire and look up to as a role model who adores me and treats me like a daughter.
- I get to see Master again right before I go to England.
- I am going to England for forty two days and spending it all with Sir.
- I come back to the US for forty two days (funny how that worked out), to spend it with Aeval and Master and see other friends.
- Then I go back to England to be with Sir from late August onward.
- Master will come see us both in England and then for my 21st birthday we will all three go to Europe where I shall be gifted with a joint collar from both of them!
- Then we come back for Christmas with Aeval.
- And then move in together and...live
I'll never have to be alone again. Ever.
When I think about how wonderful all of this is going to be I don't understand myself, my fears, it makes no sense to be afraid of something that is only full of promise. I am living a life that most people would kill to do. I mean come on, I have two amazing, incredible, hot men who adore me, who pamper me. I've embraced my submissive side, relaxed enough to find my 'little' and trust them to take care of me. I've grown so much and can poke fun at myself. I am getting married, living with both of them, finding friends and blessings left and right.
But fuck if it doesn't all feel too good to be true.
I guess that's what it really boils down to, in the end. The fear of self sabotage, which is something a lot of people with PTSD struggle with. I mean I do work on my issues, I face them, I fess up to what I have issues with. I'm not the type to sugar coat things but still...I could mess up somehow and loose...so much. And that's what I fear. Loosing, messing up. I have opened myself up so much and even though I know Master and Sir are there forever, that Aeval is never going to reject me, that I am loved and cherished and -good- that there is still something bad and broken about me and that it will ruin everything that is so good. That everything will vanish because I'm not good enough. God these stupid irrational fears.
Master knows me so well, he pegged things I didn't even notice myself, he gets inside my head I swear and Sir is starting to do it too. They know these fears and dismiss them as nothing, loving me, wanting me, soothing me. They are the balm to my soul and I don't know how I would get through each day without them. Sir and I are still learning so much about each other though, we have so far to go, and yet have come far already. I'm extremely grateful for Master right now, for his patience when I freak out over little things, for calming me down and hitting the nail on the head with so many comments that show he really does know me, understand how my mind works. But even he can't get everything, even I can't, about myself.
Rambling this out helps, I need to blog more but even then I don't think there's a cure for what goes on inside my head, just learning how to deal with it better. I will just try and relax and focus on what is going on, on the good and ignore the bad thoughts. Master and Sir promised forever, so all I have to do is let them keep their word, and do my best to be good for them. I'm so far from perfect but I seem to be their perfect and for now I won't question that, just enjoy it.
I am good....I'm not the bad person my foster mom M made me out to be, I'm not cruel or mean, I'm a good person. I'm not shattered, just broken in a few ways and being broken isn't bad. Being broken is human, my imperfections make me who I am, make me who the people around me love...it helps me fit into those I love.
I am good. Somehow.
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