Take Two

So I wrote earlier today and I feel the need to write again, thoughts pressing in on my mind.

I just took the time to read through my blog, this thing, at all the thoughts and things that have shaped me the past year and a half roughly, at how much I've changed. My canvas has been altered so many times, the size, the shape, everything, the places I find myself in shifting a lot because I move around. And my brushes, my choices, well some of those I have made wisely and others not so wisely. Colors too, I love color, but there is sometimes something as too much of something and I have experienced that a few times this past year.

Who am I?

What a question, one I'm not sure I could ever answer, even if given all the time in the world. Who am I? I am nervous and insecure at times, I ramble and blush and bite my lip. Yet I can be laughing and confident around certain people, I can reassure others and be their strength and I love that. I did that the other night actually, for one of my new 'sisters' of a sort, H I'll call her here. She has PTSD just like I do and she was having a break down and I actually helped her, I shared with her things I figured out the hard way, things that helped keep me sane when I was all alone. I felt so good about that, so wonderful that I had come far enough to do that for someone else; quiet honestly that has been something I have always wanted to do, a strength I always wanted to lend. I think I could be happy pleasing other people, helping them, for the rest of my life. Yet everyone needs more then that, can't use just one size brush on the mural that is my life.

I helped her, and then I myself fell.

I woke up the next morning, in pain thanks to the monthly hell that is a woman's period. I don't tend to move much during my first day of my period, I was rather shocked with how everyone took such good care of me, but then I already mentioned that in the first blog of the day. Later that night I was on the phone with Gilead, and then handed it over to Shaine, my roommate, for her to talk to him as well, laughing and at ease. The next moment I was running for the bathroom and throwing up, shaking and lost to flashbacks. I have no idea what triggered it, what caused me to sink back into that horrible dark place inside my mind that lingers, just waiting for me to fuck up and let it spring. That is one brush I will never, ever pick up on purpose, one color I don't want to even look at. I hate it. HATE.

I can't remember everything, never can when I have my fits, just the fear, the blind pure fear that consumed my mind and had me lost, stumbling and wanting to scream and hide. I didn't want to be looked at, to be touched. But Shaine followed me, coaxed me to lay down, Gilead gave me his voice as my anchor and even though I shook and was caught up in the nightmare that was my past I was held onto, I couldn't do to the deepest depths of that dark place because they were there. They both kept me breathing, made me laugh, I remember that, vaguely, its so frustrating sometimes, I hate how weak I am, how broken in places. I want to be strong, to be beautiful and wonderful.

So at one moment I rejoice over how my brokeness lets me help someone else, in the next I loath it because I can't put it behind me completely. The last time I had, as I call them, a 'fit' was this past summer. I've been doing so good and then I stumble and go down so hard and I hate it, I don't want to see that dark weak part of myself. Please, just please let it go away, let it be done and over with. I thought I was so far beyond that now, but yet I told H the other day that you have to learn to live with PTSD because it never goes away. In her I see a reflection of my younger self and I want to help her as others had helped me, I want to be there for her because for once I can be there for someone I love.

Master and I talked about it a bit this morning and he was worried to hear I had one but happy that I had people to take care of me. With Gilead...it hurts to know he saw me like that, honestly. Shaine, well she is my roommate, it was going to happen sooner or later, but him? He's in love with me and I'm falling for him, I don't want him to see that wretched darkness in me so soon, to have to listen to me when I can hardly form words to speak, to know I am unable to control my own body as I shake and all but cry. No, I don't want anyone to see me like that, not even Master, and yet I can't hide it. I want to be the perfect for him, for Master and for Gilead too, to be the sweet princess who has no issues, who makes them smile and laugh and feel good. I want to just be on the highs, no more lows. Haven't I had enough lows in my life? Please, have some sort of mercy on me whatever higher power there is, I've had enough and I just....don't have words to explain how I feel inside at this moment. I want new colors, I want to be bright and dazzling, perhaps if I can mix the right shade I will be transmuted back to that high....

Perhaps.

A Different Kind of Pain

Once a week. That's how often I'm suppose to blog and I nearly forgot about that, don't really want to get in trouble though so here I am, writing and unsure of what I'm even going to write truly. Its odd, how I approach blogs, a lot of times its with something particular in mind. Like its a sketch of an idea, that I expand into a bigger painting, adding in depths on the bare bones of my thought. Today is more like just having a blank canvas, paint at the ready and brushes fiddled with. Hope it doesn't turn out too badly and please forgive me if I ramble.

I couldn't even really come up with a title for it, but January 28th 2009 sounds a little boring and not at all like me, I used a song title, the song I'm listening to right now. Have gone through Bon Jovi, now my iTunes is on Boys Like Girls, silly name huh? But its true, boys do like girls, except when they don't and they likes boys. ~laughs at herself~ I am just so witty today aren't I?

Okay, so trying to focus, whats going on in my life right now. Well my landscape has changed rather drastically, some in good ways, some in bad. The brush that was my friend J is broken and now gone from my life, we had run a site together for over a year but she just wasn't being a good admin, and I did this whole rant thing about it on E, don't really want to revisit it. Anyway, we, the other staff and I demoted her, and she flipped a shit and left, others left with her, lots of drama, panic modes and trying to do damage control. So sick of it, I really, really do hate drama, hate confrontations. It strikes me, so much that these people, most especially J, who had known me for so long seemed to forget about it, saying I wanted this and such. If they truly were my friends they would have remembered that I loath drama and fighting. Oh well, what's done is done, moving on.

Its finally not raining outside, which is nice. Everything is still really green though a pleasant change after Texas and I am loving being back in California for the most part, outside of the time difference. I hate being two hours behind Master, it makes everything a little more difficult, stealing time from us. It feels strange to think I've been here over a week and yet there's an ease about this place, about H and Shaine, my roommates/housemates, about Shaine's parents who I pay rent to. I still miss Master and my family in Texas of course, but I like being here, a lot and its closer to where I need to be for school. And I feel more more part of the house here then I did with my family in Texas honestly, I started my ucky period yesterday and everyone was so sweet, Shaine's mom got me some good Merlot to dull the pain a bit, H made me breakfast in bed and then later that night us girls made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from heaven.

I feel so loved in my life. Its funny, thinking about how at one time I just wanted one person, just one to love me, to want me. I got Master, and then Josie, and then Shaine and all her lovely family and friends, and my own friends. When all the shit with J and the site happened I had so many people rally around me, offer to help me, just being there. Master was incredible too, he's even taking over the advertising lol.

And then there's Gilead, my 'champion'. Lord I must sound like such a slut, all the men I talk about in this blog at times. Master, and of course my Knight, then then mon guardian for one massively long post. Well sadly mon guardian has sort of vanished, he doesn't really respond to my IMs or texts or calls anymore, and I can't stay open to someone who isn't around me, I'm not strong enough for that. I care about him, as I do nearly all my friends, but I don't think it will ever go deeper then that, not after sitting down and seriously thinking about it. I can be attracted to him, I can love talking to him but that doesn't mean that he has the personality, the type of that I could stay open to, he just isn't around enough. and how would it ever work? I don't know....I'll always care about him but I find myself falling, actually falling slowly though surely for Gilead. He's just so...there, so wonderful, always there for laughter or cuddles, to cheer me up or tease and talk, oh we talk for ages about nearly everything and he sings to me. I'm scared shitless, to be quiet honest though. All the freak outs I had over mon guardian saying he loved me are still there, those feelings that I don't deserve Master let alone another person but....I can't help that people love me. That at least I'll accept.

I think I'm already half in love with him, for good or bad, and he...he's giving me a way to go to Europe actually, he's so encouraging and yet so polite, a gentleman, a champion.

I think I'm all rambled out for now....but really, how did someone like me get so lucky?

Settling In

So I am in California now.

Safely back where I 'belong'. And it does feel like I belong truly; I can say honestly that I have never been made to feel like I fit in so easily, so quickly before in my life. And with me having once been a foster child who moved often that is saying something. Not even my aunt and uncle in Texas come close, truly. Shaine is my new roommate and I adore her <3 She is just so much fun and so understanding and we fit.

I landed in the evening on Tuesday, worn out from a long day of traveling and incredibly nervous, after all I had never met her before, and I was meeting her mom and her whole family too. We drove back to their house through the heavy rain of a winter storm and Heidi was at the house, making dinner for us. Apparently Shaine had pumped Master for information about my favorites of things and Heidi had set about making a meal just for me; Shaine helped me get my stuff back into the bedroom and then we all four sat down to eat, Shaine's father was working, a professor, so it was just us females to chat and eat and relax and it was wonderful. We headed back to the bedroom then and I got to cuddle with both Shaine and Heidi, in the middle, and just have girl talk for hours while we relaxed and enjoyed it. I haven't had so much girl time in so long! Its was a treat.

Yesterday was mostly settling in, grocery shopping and then spending time with Master online when I could. It already feels like home here, like I am welcomed, adored and wanted. I got hugs and a kiss on the forehead before bed from the mother, one of the cats pesters me to play with her and I just love it.

And I got a hot shower! Yeah, I know a little silly to be so happy about but after a semester at my aunt and uncles where the upstairs bathroom didn't get hot water and I had a ton of cold showers I was a happy girl this morning.

I'm settling in in more ways then one and I know that coming back to California really was the right decision to make. I'm even going into the city this weekend and I can't wait. Life is fitting into place. Sometimes I'm sad, that I won't be moving in with Master this summer like we had talked about, that would have been so ideal on so many levels. And then on others it would have been such a -bad- idea. I'm not ready for it, neither is he and I have so much to do before I could ever really do something like that. And yet things are still good there, strong, we have worked out kinks, gone over a year together and are still deeply, madly in love. I am blessed.

A good thing though is that I have a plethora of choices now, one friend invited me to go up to Michigan for the summer while I take classes, I have my family to see, time to spend with Master and a chance to go to Europe! I went from being homeless after graduation, from feeling lost and alone, to having several 'homes' and hearts opened to me. I am truly a lucky, lucky girl and I am grateful for it.

I want to go to Europe, so badly, so that might just happen....who knows, but for now its California and classes start soon and oh boy will I be in for a semester then. I'll write again soon.