Art and Love

For the love of art...

For the love of art I am here in San Francisco. For the love of art I am disappointing one aunt with her expectations, I thought that would be one of the hardest things I ever had to do because, well I mean its not like I like letting people down. But Brown, it just was not for me. I applied for kicks. Oh I know how bad that probably sounds, but I did. I didn't seriously think I would get in. I mean, I had decent grades and the whole foster care program and such, but I think what really won me that slot was my admissions essay. Leave it to the OCD impulse that hardly ever kicks in to rev me up into producing 15 drafts of my personal statement in one month to get it perfect. And then get into every school I applied to. Granted it did feel nice. But..it wasn't me.

Brown, how do I see it.

It is a ivy league school, one of the best in the country, it is well known, world wide, even for its prestige. But...what about the people who go there? Are they happy? Do they have good jobs? How many people actually make it through that whole experience of an undergraduate there and find something meaningful? Not many I bet, I mean, you are just one in a crowd, just a number. And its stuffy, its conformed and uniformed and old school. The reason this comes up today is that my aunt, who I had called happy about orientation and such here, had commented, once again. for at least the hundredth time it feels like, that it was such a pity I had not chosen Brown. She believes I'll regret it eventually.

No regrets, that's something I follow.

But I don't think I would ever regret it anyway. Brown, that experience, that lifestyle, just wasn't a brush that I chose for my canvas, it certainly added a touch of color to the white, but it isn't going to be a defining thing in my life. Because I don't think it fits with the other colors, the colors, the things in my life that I need to be happy. And I need art. I need art and life and love and joy and expression.

Art is expression, art is living. I am art by living, and as I said in a previous blog, this is my canvas, I chose the colors.

Why is it that others in our lives, parents, teachers, aunts and uncles, grandparents, anyone really with years ahead of us seem to think that they know better what to chose? I mean, I wouldn't want to go into my Still Life painting class and sit down next to somehow, who I don't know, and lets say they are a oil painter. Well what if I handed them a tube of acrylic paint and a brush meant just for water based paints? What could they do? Well they could paint, probably be slightly resentful to me, after all I had forced a choice upon them, one that didn't fit them, who they are as an artist and a person. I think that's part of what appeals to me at this school. The course work, the classes you take to get your degree aren't forced upon you. These teachers and directors know better then to force a brush or paint or choice upon anyone. Because each person is an artist crafting their own life.

And certainly, I'll know better how to create and expand on my life then anyone else.

My other two aunts are just happy for me, rather nice feeling. Aunt P (the one from Arizona), is happy but also pleased by this school being one of the top art colleges in the country, and all the other fancy things that they offer and are. The only art school with a university as part of its name, the great ranking, job placement rates, the programs they offer, their fame. I mean, she is thrilled that I am happy, but to someone who went to Harvard, you need some backing for things. However, I think she understands the most how I feel when Aunt C makes the comments about Brown. After all Aunt P , whenever Aunt C refers to her in conversation is "My sister who went to Harvard" while, I am now, "the niece that got into Brown". Isn't it lovely how much silly things like that mean to some people?

Aunt L, the one in Texas, however is just happy because I am happy. And she loves me and wants what is best for me as a person. She gives freely of herself, her love, her time, heck even her money, which I am trying to pay her back for. But she doesn't care, because to her, all she wants is to see me reach my dreams. And, because of that I think, her color of paint in my life is the strongest of them all.

I had a surprise color enter my life lately, one that I probably should of written about before, my Aunt C's mother in law. I have known her since I was a little girl, she was "Nonnie", a grandmother figure. And she had receded out of my life and now, suddenly is back in it and in a big way. She is proud of me, supportive. And giving. I was not expecting her to take much interest in me at all, after all we are not directly related in any way, just by affection really. However she came with me to my school, helped me get settled in the first day, put herself down as my emergency contact. Invited me to her house on weekends, and then yesterday, when my uncle came to drop off the rest of my stuff, sent a care package full of things. I was caught off guard by how much she had sent. And they were thoughtful things, things she knew I would like. I find it interesting how she, who I haven't seen for years until just Saturday, has picked up more about me as a person then my Aunt C who has been in my life basically all of it.

I hold a skeptism of my Aunt C I didn't before. As a more adult person I see her weaknesses, I still love her, and I cherish all the memories I have of her. However I do admit to having little patience with the rather Barbie doll like treatment she gives me at times. I am more then capable of chosing my own clothes and makeup styles, and I don't need her playing with my hair everytime she wishes. There is also always the pressure to conform to what she wants and needs. Last year, years before that I would have done that and happily for the most part. Because all I wanted to do was please other people, make them happy, ease things for them. Their colors dominated mine on the canvas of my life, I was not assertive enough.

This past year has taught me to stand up more, to boldly splash the color of myself across the canvas of this period in my life. Its my base coat, not white, but me, my personality, my wants, my dreams. Its the tint I use to start from like the gray wash that my still life teacher has us put on all our canvas' before we start that day's sitting. White is a color too you know, at least when it comes to painting, you don't want to start with it once you start the painting. And in life nohting starts off with a completely clean slate. So what base coat do you chose? Do you go with what your family wants? With expectations put upon you by those who are important in your life?

People, especially us young adults, as much as we would like to argue against this, wanting to be "our own" people and rebels to a certain extent; live up or down to the expectations put upon them. When I was in foster care I first noticed this, in Melinda's home. There is this overwhelming basic belief about foster kids, that they are "bad kids", dropouts, druggies, run aways, they are the low of the low and there is no point in thinking they will rise above things, because after all, they are just the 'white trash' right? Wrong. At least for me. I have seen so many wonderful, talented and brilliant teenage girls throw away their dreams, give up, and sink into what is expected of them. And I have been asked over and over by workers and foster parents what makes me so different. I honestly don't think I'm all that different, I just view things differently. For me, I always knew that I wanted college and nothing was going to keep me from that dream. I am stubborn, perhaps that is the root of it.

I am finally free of the expectations that were dismissive of me, of my mind and person and dreams. But now I find myself with people expecting a lot out of me. Because of course I had to challenge the system and rise above it. Now they all watch closely to see if I fall. But I won't, because my love, my art, they are my strength and there might be weakness in art as a steady job, but there is also the strength of doing what you love, what is right. And that strength will see me through all the hard times.

Traveling Reflections 2

I travel. A lot. Within the past two months I have been in four states and on six plane flights. Not to count the hours in the car, two hours here, three hours here. Yeah, traveling is a state of my life, or it has been.

I'm on the last stretch of that now, heading down to school. I love traveling, I like the new flow of things and people, you know, its like, no matter how annoyed or bothered you get by something, soon you get to leave it behind. That's been my mentality for several years about life too, that no matter how bad things get and no matter how unhappy I am at any certain place, I'll be out of it soon, no need to worry. There are pros and cons to that though, as much as it has helped at times its also made things harder. Because leaving, always leaving is not a good mind frame to live your life in.

When you move and your younger its hard to stay in touch with people, especially if your parents are like mine and don't let you stay in touch. So you lose touch, leaving, for any length of time, in my mind, for years, meant loosing friends. People came and went but no one was constant. So in my mind I have developed this sort of sense that no one is ever going to be with me forever, not even family. Everyone leaves and in the end you only have yourself to rely on, to be with. Everyone is alone in this world, but you don't have to be lonely.

I think I had a hard hit yesterday, part of the reason my mind is on this now. My best friend from high school called and informed me that she was going to have someone else be her maid of honor after she had already asked me. I was easily replaceable to a girl who had been best friends with me for over six years, we were stage partners. But out of sight, out of mind. So, for me, I don't let people get too close. I don't open up all that easily to anyone, because I know they'll leave, they'll forget me, its natural. Only, I'm starting to find that its not.

Its a refreshing change, this new influx of people in my life in the last year or so that don't forget, that don't let go. My aunt and uncle in Texas are now my main supports, my aunt is like the mother I never had, she is there for me when I'm sad or upset, she laughs with me, goes shopping with me. She spoils me, now that took a while to get use to. And I feel safe and welcome there. Its a rather nice sensation, novel too. But beyond the sudden burst of family care into my life, a little late at eighteen but better then never, as I turned nineteen I became aware that I had friends. Friends in the true meaning the of the word, friends I could go to or who would come to me. Friends who really know me, not just the sweet mask I present to the world. We all hide under masks, everyone does. But the people around me are starting to take deeper looks and the best part? Even when I push them away they don't go.

In fact, my significant other told me flatly the other day that he wasn't going anywhere. Granted, its a good thing he's stubborn like that, because all the other males I've tangled with have always gone away. Because I push them away. Maybe some part in me wanted to see if they could handle the tough job of being in my life. I'm nice, sweet, adorable, (these are all taken from my SO so if you disagree you can blame him xp), but my life is hard. I want someone who can weather those storms with me, who can be my rock during hard times. The boys before couldn't, the man I'm with now, I believe he could. And well, there is the simple fact that I love him. But...its still unknown. I don't know if he will stay at the end of it all. There is no way to know if anyone will, but...one day at a time. That's how I'll live my life with my relationships. No forevers, because, there is no forever, not really.

I'm going to San Francisco, to a large art school. Scary huh? San Fran is a huge city, full of so many different people. I'll have so many choices to make, so much to do. I can't wait to start my life there, to really live. Lets just hope I do it right.

But one thing is for sure, traveling, for the next two months at least, is done. If I see a plane before March I'll probably run screaming. Well...maybe not that extreme but..you get the picture.

A Statement

Everyone does different things with their blog.

It is after all their blog. Mine however won't focus on major politics or a deep understanding of one certain thing, its just going to be the reflection's, the thoughts of yours truly.

I am a nineteen year old college girl, I am paradoxical and alive. And I am honored that you are taking the time to read my thoughts. I never have been overly good at keeping real journals, perhaps because I tend to dislike writing things down in books that clutter and take up space. But, I save all of my old journals, old poetry and a number of other odds and ends. Its a mystery. However I shall promise to try and not post as sporadically as I wrote in those old journals, months at a time of nothing.

As you can probably see from the segway of thoughts above my mind connects many things to one simple thing. I think of my life in the manner of art, and listen to music as a soundtrack, I find philosophy in literature, I read stories from poetry. I am odd, and some of my thoughts are very much along that manner. I am gentle and sweet according to friends, easily loved and seem to be a perfectly happy and bright young lady. But I have nightmares, so, what you get here? It will be truth, honesty, it will be reflections of my life. But that doesn't mean it will be easy, it won't be about a movie star and who's going out with who. It will be...about the world, about the art of living and about discovering what it means to be me.

It will be.

New Year's Reflections

Happy New Years.

And make happy a key word for me.

Its been a rough fall, a rough traveling period and a rough few days to be certain. I think some of that showed in my last blog. But you know what, this is a new year, one that I will make my own and one that I will start off with good thoughts. Because while the colors the last few days that have tainted and tinted my world and canvas have been dark, its a new year and I have several special people who are brightening my world.

And for them I am so grateful.

Currently the brightest colors in my life are my aunt and uncle, they are my support and my family, they make me laugh and smile. My mother, as several know, has currently pulled my siblings out of my life completely. If you read my last blog you know that losing my siblings the first time basically broke my heart, and yesterday morning I was upset and my heart was broken slightly at least. Yet my uncle and aunt braced me, took me out to spend time with them and talk over things. Instead of focusing and keening over the fact that I lost my siblings I am distracted by planning for school and family time.

I went out East to a school that was a compromise between what I wanted and what my family expected. Now, this semester, I am going to a school that I want, doing what I want. Art is my soul, the center of my being. I view myself as a piece of art, as are all humans, which is why I love to paint and draw people, because then I can understand the art that is their life and soul. My uncle has been helping me figure out what I'm going to need, they have offered to pay for housing to help, and everything is falling into line. What I thought would be impossible is coming to life, sort of the way art does. You can create amazing, wondrous things that no one would believe to be true in art, but I didn't think it would happen in life as well. Its a lovely surprise.

My new year will be missing some colors, that of my mother and siblings. But added colors. The colors of the people here, the people that I meet at school, the colors of experience and love and knowledge and hurt. All of them are needed. For they will shape my year and who I am. I am me, there is no changing or doubting the core of what I am, but the people I have in my life, who do the honor of touching my life and allowing me to touch their's, they are the ones that will make this year or break it for me. And I plan to have this year turn out as I want it, I am going to live my life for me now, its my time, my time to live and to love and to shine out with the art that is me. I have new hope in my heart, heavier understanding and maturity, a few new sorrows in my eyes and heart, a few new scars, but stronger spirit, a brighter smile, and some very special new people to spend my time with.

Here's to the new year. It is what you make it, and my only new years resolution is to live, live and regret nothing.