Didn't Want to Wake Up

I am a coward.

Really, odd thing to say after all that I've lived through and faced but it is the truth, really. I'm scared shitless of such little things, I shrink from conflict and even from friendship and love. Probably because I find it so hard to believe anything will really last, the only thing that has in my life is Master, is my love. And that I think is just because he is so incredible wonderful and well...stubborn. In the best sort of way of course.

But I really am a coward sometimes. I had another fun sleepless night and when I finally did get to sleep I didn't want to wake up again, to face the world. All I wanted was Master to hold me and talk to me, to let me drift until I felt like it was safe enough to come back to the real world. Sometimes I want to linger there, in a world that's just ours alone and not have to deal with anything else, I want him to make me soar and float and forget about everything and anything but him. He makes everything safe and its so hard right now, to be apart, when we are so so close to living together. Just a few weeks.

This past month has flown by, really, the most wonderful time in my life sans the moments I've had with him. I've had friends, Sunshine and Ari, I've had laughter and flirting and compliments and girl days and writing up a storm and some awesome art. So why suddenly the depression kick? I have no freaking clue.

When I finally did wake up this morning I lingered in bed, it hurt too much to want to more and so I was in that half world, of awake and not awake, and I hardly spoke at all to Sunshine when she came in to wake me up. Even after she left me alone to sleep more I just lay there, not really even thinking, not examining why I was suddenly so sure I did not want to go outside of the room at all today, why I didn't want to see her or Ari. She drove here to spend time with me, what sort of ungrateful brat am I? Of course it didn't last, I decided to take a shower, hoping it would help with the pain and it did, a little, I feel better for shaved legs too. After I was done I got on my computer to talk to Master, needing him, and honestly today I want just him, I don't want nor really can handle dealing with other people, its just one of those days that I need to retreat inward.

He however said it wouldn't be good for me to spend the whole day in the bedroom. So I got dressed and am now sitting between Ari and Sunshine in the living room of Ari's apartment, just waiting to be harped on about eating. My stomach is so unhappy right now I'm terrified I would automatically throw up anything that I did eat; it all makes me think of last summer, of holing myself up in my room and refusing to talk to anyone, not eating, not doing anything. But I know that not doing anything will only increase the depression and frustration with myself.

I just want him.

Its been so much fun this past month, yeah but its been too much, really for someone like me. I've spent the majority of the past year alone and now I'm suddenly with people for nearly every moment of the day, no privacy, no alone time and I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm not use to it. I'm wondering if its just building me up for a more complete mental break down. I would really rather not go back to that point of actually shaking and getting sick and crying when there are more then three people around me. I was so happy to leave that behind.

So here I am, hurting, longing, cranky, feeling like a ungrateful brat and just wanting to shut out the world, which is exactly what I can't do. Some days there really is just no reason for getting out of bed, or at least it feels like it now.

I Love Life

So...fell off the blogging again. Only for a little while this time at least but it does seem rather impossible for me to keep blogging daily at times. I'll hit a stride and then fall off again.

I think that's a lot like I am with most things, I'm an artist, I come and go from things with all the attention span of a kitten. Meaning one moment here and the next there. I can multitask really well, as in the fact that I am writing this, watching the premier of a favorite show, flirting with Sunshine and making notes about stories. See what I mean?

I do it with art, with writing, with nearly everything. The only thing that holds me steady is Master, and well...he's a special case.

I feel bad sometimes, that I am not more steady, that I can't fit myself into patterns for days but the only time that's ever really worked, patterns that is, in my life is in highschool when I had classes I had to go to. And even then I would do things outside of what I needed to do for class in class. I am such a odd girl, really.

Life has been really wonderful though lately, full of life and laughter and good food and friends. The only thing missing from making things perfect is Master and he'll be here soon enough. I've never been so pampered and honestly welcomed before I don't think, and I've asked several times over from both Sunshine and her hubby if I'm okay, if I'd done anything that might upset them. And I haven't, they are just so wonderful at making me feel at ease. Ari and her hubby are pretty wicked cool too <3

So life is good, love is bright, and I am just happy right now. I have a whole lot less to write about now then I did two years ago, but then that's a good thing I think. I can't believe I'll be turning twenty one soon, but at the same time I can't wait. I know this birthday will the best yet with all the wonderful people in it.

No Sleep

So...no sleep last night.

Not even really sure why, I mean I wasn't upset or afraid or anything and when I went to the bedroom, on time I might add, I was tired. Very much so. And looking forward to sleeping. Master and I are picking up my bedtime and wakeup time again and I'm so happy about it; so I was a little pissed at myself for not being able to fall asleep like I should have. And I tried. I curled up with the teddy bear he gave me, I breathed in his scent and recited my mantra, I thought of each of my stories with him, listed off character's and myths of Gwiv....

Two hours later I was still awake, wide awake.

He had class today though, ontop of staying up nearly to my bedtime last night so I didn't want to call him, not when nothing was wrong, not when I didn't know why I couldn't sleep. But that meant that I didn't get any sleep at all. Around four I tried reading a bit, to see if that could wear out my mind/eyes. No luck.

And when I did finally steal some broken sleep...it was just about the time I was suppose to wake up.

When I did wake up again fully, after one thanks to Sunshine checking on me. Apparently my phone had gotten lost under the bed during one of my restless tossing and turns in the night. Which meant that I missed the handsome's phone call. Not really happy about that.

So...today. I got roughly four broken hours of sleep, and then after waking went to take a long hot shower. And now, sickenly, I'm thoroughly awake. I doubt I'll sleep really until tonight if then, all I can do is pray that it won't be like that one time back in Fall 2008 when I was up for four days with broken naps here and there. I don't want to go back to that, I hate it when something like this happens, not being able to sleep, or worse, not being able to keep down food for no apparent reason. There's nothing causing this that I can tell and after all the years of living inside my broken mind I've gotten pretty good at figuring out reasons for why my mind/body do the odd things that they do.

Pretty good but not good enough.

Is it this frustrating for a normal person? Well I guess you would have to define 'normal' but it something I know I'm very much not. My friend Ari doesn't get enough sleep, really, she sleeps less then me and that's saying something. She sleeps less then I did at my worst I think, but still it bothers me. Why can't I even control that one small part of myself? Sometimes I get so very very angry at myself for not being able to handle things better, for being...well me. But that I guess is pointless and useless, cause I'll always be me, no getting around that. And there are a ton of people who love me, so I think I might well get in trouble for changing.

Okay...I guess this is enough venting/griping. So much for keeping my blog philosophical and reflective lately.

Muse Fled...

Gah this is sooo frustrating. I have some lovely posts to respond to, writing I want to do, and even on my novel, nothing is coming. Usually my muse works reliably well, I mean one day I churned out twenty six replies, granted that was nearly two years ago now but still.

Today, nothing. I have several posts up, just waiting to be responded to and nothing will come and work for me. I'm half thinking I might just try plugging out plot points of my novel, if nothing else. I mean its just my first manuscript so things will change. Part of my issue though is that I am a perfectionist in all I do, including work on my novel. I'm pretty happy so far that there is no 'filler' in it so far, nothing that''s unneeded really. I would hate to add some of that in now after months of good strong work on it.

Maybe I should world build some...Gwiv could use a little fleshing out in some area's, been contemplating temples and how religious order's actually work as pertaining to the Gods. Its a multi god world, lots of gods so different people would worship differently but everyone follows the Divine Quart, Meria, Mother Earth and Water, the Gatekeeper (the Heavens and such), Deril, Goddess of Love and Illusions, Solious, Flame/Sun God and the Divine Judge. I really love them all <3

I finally got my replacement stylus pen for my tablet yesterday and did some sketching but the art muse seems to have fled as well. Its probably all in relation to the amount of pain my body has been handling the past two days, and let me tell you it sucks, massively. I'm such a creative person that when something takes that away from me I struggle and its really easy to get frustrated and a little depressed. I need to be productive, otherwise I go stircrazy and start self loathing and thinking I'm worthless/useless.

So yeah, muse not behaving = bad.

And this blog isn't overly eloquent either...lovely. So trying to not feel like crap today but its so hard not to when it hurts and I can't seem to do anything that I actually like. Talking to Master is helping some, we are talking about the Air race of Gwiv, who are completely and totally wonderful <3 I'm really looking forward to that story, the one that will explore them and such, The Desert Dragon. Have yet to start it though. Maybe when the muse is actually nice again I will.

Going to stop rambling now.

The Novel

So today my novel is demanding my attention. Quiet thoroughly in fact, I haven't felt this inspired for it in a while; sort of hard for something that I'm writing alone to compete with the delightful pleasure of writing with Master or Sunshine in Gwiv really.

But Kera, Aine, Caedmon and Jaspar are the root of Gwiv for me, for all of us actually when I think about it. If I hadn't chosen to use Gwiv for their story I would have never started to flesh it out more again, would have never crafted the Divine Quart the way I did, which would have resulted in a much different world.

This is the first time I've really talked about my novel on here I think.

I get asked a lot what the book is about, the story. And that's a hard thing to answer, after all its a rather complicated story, I have no idea what they would put on the back cover, there's just too much in the story to say "Oh its a story about a princess being rescued from a dragon" sort of thing. There's more then one story running through it.

And no dragons, at least not in the first book. In the second one there might pop up one, it will depend on many things so not sure yet.

There are however, two princess, Kera and Aine, twins and yet utterly different. If I had to focus on one main story for the book it would be the one of their relationship and how they both grow over the course of the story. Both cursed, both outcasted and hidden, together in the wilds of Merisso's mountains as their country is being corrupted by a mad woman now upon the throne. And yet that's just one story. There's Caedmon, my Bear Prince who is far from home and serving the Divine Mother Meria by helping the twins take back their throne and hoping to regain his own human form. And then Jaspar, the half divine pirate Captain who is the son of the Goddess of Love. The character's are all so different and so wonderful. I think I'll start sharing snippets from the book at least once a week, part of something to keep me working forward on it.

And for today....Caedmon

“Well aren’t you a sight Princess.”

And indeed she was, far more beautiful then anything he had ever seen and he was having trouble remembering how to breath with the memory of the flash of her nudity before she had dipped into the water. Not that it hid too much, not with her skin the hue of starlight and shimmering beneath the water. He stood before her, a smile on his face even though his heart raced fast with the knowledge of what would happen, of what he had come to tell her.

Part of him didn’t want to tell her, not now.  Not when she had seemed so happy tonight, all but glowing somehow.

Caedmon didn’t think that swimming nude in pools after the night had fallen was something that Kera did often, or at all. And yet here she was, looking half mer in the night with her dark hair flowing around her shoulders and drifting over the water like a flower’s petals. She had turned to him with a gasp, surprised and then silent as they both just stared at each other, each caught in their thoughts no doubt. And what were her’s, that he wanted to know, to use, for she was one that he couldn’t seem to figure out which was unusual. Reading people was what he did.

“Caedmon…I…though you weren’t coming tonight.” The words stole like whispers through the night and if it were lighter he was sure he could have seen a blush on her cheeks.

“I was, unfortunately detained. Traveling actually, which I want to talk to you about…”

“I am glad you came. “ Her voice was breathless, heady as if she had drunken wine and was brave with it. Kera’s eyes drew him and he lost his train of thought for a moment as he took another step toward the edge of the walkway. She tredded closer in response, a soft smile on her lips. Gone was the haughty wary princess he had met the first night and in her place was a shy young woman who seemed to be trying out her wings for the first time. The haughty princess had called to something within him, seeing a pain inside her, a great sense of duty, that appealed to those same things in his soul. But this, oh this was something no man could resist, not that flash of her eyes like diamond’s in the night, not the soft womanly smile that seemed meant just for him.

The fact that she was, or seemed to be nude probably helped as well, he was a male after all.

“Kera I…” He started to speak again, trying to gather his thoughts even as his blood seemed intent on rushing to lower portions of his body. Which in turn made the man shift uneasily on his feet as her hand lifted, gleaming with droplets of water to reach toward him and the idea of such water droplets trailing over other, more intimate parts of her body made it impossible to think.

“Join me?”

Now that, he would have never expected, never dared dream of. Kera, gazing up at him with eyes that seemed bright and easy for once, a playful smile on her lips and nude below him. Breathe, just blasted breathe…. He told himself, adjusting his tunic in the hope that it would cover demanding part of his body.

“I am not sure that’s a good idea, my lady I…”

“Oh don’t be so stuffy….” Had some siren possessed the girl?

That thought was the last one that he had before her hand reached for his tunic and tugged him down toward, the action lifting her breast with her arm and giving him a sight he probably would carry happily within his memory till he died.

And then the water took him, closing around him and he shouted in shock, kicking his feet to surface, his clothing soaking through and dragging him down. Caedmon kicked off his boots first before shucking his tunic and shirt over his head and letting them drop down as well. “Lass…” he growled into the air, glaring in her direction. “That wasnae  a good idea…”

Which only earned him a giggle, a flash of a coy smile that was entirely feminine and the princess biting her lower lip. Light and Lady, all his blood then rushed to his groin and he couldn’t think of a moment when he had been more aroused in his whole life. And that was saying something with his ‘rouge’ years. And yet, the sound of her laughter reached into some part of him that had forgotten laughter and caressed his heart like a soothing balm. The magic of Deril perhaps, they were in her garden’s.

Happiness in Small Things

So...two blogs in two days, that's uncommon for me since at least last year if not before. But when I sat down to my computer I felt the need to write a blog; I'm just going to run with it.

And tonight, what I wish to talk about is...finding that happiness in the small things, in moments you totally don't expect. Certainly I was surprised today, really surprised actually in a way I was never expecting. I've moved across country again, settling into a new place, getting to know new people and just...its taxing on someone as shy and nervous as I am. I slept in today, worn out and even when I did wake up I just lay there in bed for a long moment, thinking about everything. Not in a bad way, just taking a mental stock and such.

Sunshine had to actually come into the bedroom and talk to me before I started to move and get dressed and the like, I think I had worried her a bit as it had passed two pm and I still hadn't moved around much. But I did get up, and get dressed and things picked up from there. I felt so low on energy and a little anti social, in fact the idea of going out tonight (its Wed night and there's a Wed night dinner group) made me want to shrink up and hide. I almost said I would just stay home. But online was Master and logging into a new site I've joined provided to 'perk' me up a bit. Its a site that's focused mostly on the world of the Kushiel books, and I joined for research mostly for a story I'm writing with Sunshine but the people there have been so nice and lively.

One, a female, seems to know just how to push my buttons and has gotten me squirming and Master chuckling and commenting how 'hot' our PMs are when I shared a bit. Another member on there, a male, and I have hit if off chatting and even flirting a touch. He convinced me to go into the group chat for the site and that was so much fun and so lively and then when I shared my DA (deviant art) link I got lots of compliments on my art work and a "WOW YOU ARE SMOKING" comment with a chorus of agreements. Which of course, when told Master agreed with and Sunshine as well. So I was feeling better by the time we left and then over there I met the third girl friend of the group, L, who was bright and happy and so easy to talk to. I was glad though, that for a bit it was just her, Sunshine and myself so I could work into it slowly. Ari and her hubby showed up next and that was fun, I was so happy to see Ari and the girls had a fun time all talking and her hubby is witty and easy to get along with. The last to show up was Sunshine's Love, and he's so easy to be around that I was really happy to see him.

We all went out to dinner.

I remember a time, back in April when I went out with M and her fiance in Michigan and a group of their friends. It was fun, to go out with a group, they were nice but...I was left out of the conversation a lot. I felt like 'extra'. Hell I felt that way when I went to NYC with Aeval, M and M's fiance with just the four of us.

But tonight I didn't. I felt like part of the group, an important part. And they kept asking questions about Master too. L, and the other girl's men are big college football followers and wanted to know what he liked/hated and such so I actually was texting Master asking him questions about football. Not something I ever imagined. We all laughed and joked and I even joined in on conversation, over coming my shyness to tease and such. We then went back to Ari's place to hang out and Sunshine and I shared information about Gwiv with L who finds it fascinating.

I've been flirty, silly, teasing and lively with people today outside of Master. I've felt accepted and a part of a large group, more then three people! I went to a public place without Master with lots of people and didn't freak out or clam up. I'm pretty proud of myself.

I feel so good about myself, sure I want to loose a little weight here and there but I look in the mirror and like what I see. I feel smart and accomplished. I got two A's this past semester from my school which is a feat in and of itself. And I'm just -happy- right now. All I need is to have Master here and life would be complete.

Thankfully for my sanity though tomorrow and Friday should be slower with no going out. Saturday we apparently might be going to a movie. And then sometime Sunday/Monday/Tuesday I'll be going over to see Aunt L and catch up with her for a few hours. Tuesday Sunshine, Ari and L and I are all going to have a girls day, though depending on everyone's levels we might be going to downtown Dallas for a 'art culture' day at the museum's and galleries or staying here at Sunshine's house for writing and just hanging out. Life is full and happy and this looks to be the best summer of my life.

Between

Its a between time for me again, oddly. Though this one, I have to say is resting easier on my shoulders then most I have had before.

Usually all I can do is fret and fidget, constantly wanting more, striving to get everything worked out now, make it all be on firm grounding. And this time, I'm not. Its odd, but I think part of it is that I just don't want to know what is laying ahead, what might happen next. The past half a year I have always been so ready and eager to move forward and get to the next place, so sure that everything would work out like I had planned out. Life really doesn't follow the neat little plans you make for it though.

First thing? I've lost two girl friends, J and then Shaine, both in ways that hurt massively when both of them I thought were going to be important to my life in the future.

And second...I'm not with Gilead any longer, he is firmly, happily an ex. No Europe planned for this summer. Actually, funny, now that I think about it at this moment I would have been in England with him had things carried through. And honestly I'm glad they didn't. I don't think anything could really be as good as where I am at the moment for who I am. I'm sitting here, in the living room of my Sunshine's house, talking to her and her wonderful SO a bit here and there between writing this. We spent the day out, getting sushi with Ari (another wonderful girl friend) and stopping by my aunt and uncles house for stuff. A good, busy day. I'm chatting with Master as well, about a story of ours, and just enjoying life.

In three months I'll be living with him. In three months I'll be here with the friends I've found when I thought my heart might well break. Its funny, how times of trials can show you who your true friends are. For so long all I've really been able to count on has been Master, he is my anchor, my rock, he is the center of my universe. 

I let others in too, don't get me wrong. Others I thought would make good firm pillars of my world. And so many have hurt me, have vanished. I've dreamed and planned so much for the future before each hurt that now I really just want to enjoy the moment I'm in and not think about too much detail. It feels like that would just be setting myself up for a heartbreak again, and I live every day half terrified that the people I let in even now will only end up hurting me, leaving me. But Master will be there, my strength through it all and I'll recover, pick myself up again no matter what.

Sunshine is keeping me pretty level right now, she seems to know just when I need a smile or a encouraging word and we have so much fun together. She and Master make quiet a team too, earlier today they had me laughing so hard I really did nearly pee my pants. And the whole thing started from talking about bachelorette parties (she's my maid of honor). It ended with squirrels. Not saying any more then that xp I'm really grateful for how patient and soothing both she and her Love are. Its a gift I wasn't expecting.

Its odd, I was expecting this blog to be full of pain and resentment at the 'Mom' who adopted me the past few months and then just rejected me last week. That hurt more then words could say, more then I was aware I could let a person hurt me anymore. So many people this semester, so many hurting me and making me doubt that I'm a good person. But it doesn't matter in the end what they say. I know who and what I am, I know that I would never purposefully be cruel or mean or hurt another, I know that I am a good, kind and sweet person. I certainly get told that daily and I do have wonderful people who love me.

And I have Master, who makes me fearless.

So I'm between. I'm staying at Sunshine's house for a few weeks and then I'll be over with Ari and her SO, some time with my family as well, just waiting, waiting for Him to come to me. Waiting for us to finally move in together and for the first step toward our future to come to pass. And for once, I'm not wishing to know exactly what's going to come tomorrow. Perhaps its fear, perhaps its just knowing I get Master in three months...I don't know but I'm going to enjoy this slight rest and try and heal the wounds on my heart.