Between

Its a between time for me again, oddly. Though this one, I have to say is resting easier on my shoulders then most I have had before.

Usually all I can do is fret and fidget, constantly wanting more, striving to get everything worked out now, make it all be on firm grounding. And this time, I'm not. Its odd, but I think part of it is that I just don't want to know what is laying ahead, what might happen next. The past half a year I have always been so ready and eager to move forward and get to the next place, so sure that everything would work out like I had planned out. Life really doesn't follow the neat little plans you make for it though.

First thing? I've lost two girl friends, J and then Shaine, both in ways that hurt massively when both of them I thought were going to be important to my life in the future.

And second...I'm not with Gilead any longer, he is firmly, happily an ex. No Europe planned for this summer. Actually, funny, now that I think about it at this moment I would have been in England with him had things carried through. And honestly I'm glad they didn't. I don't think anything could really be as good as where I am at the moment for who I am. I'm sitting here, in the living room of my Sunshine's house, talking to her and her wonderful SO a bit here and there between writing this. We spent the day out, getting sushi with Ari (another wonderful girl friend) and stopping by my aunt and uncles house for stuff. A good, busy day. I'm chatting with Master as well, about a story of ours, and just enjoying life.

In three months I'll be living with him. In three months I'll be here with the friends I've found when I thought my heart might well break. Its funny, how times of trials can show you who your true friends are. For so long all I've really been able to count on has been Master, he is my anchor, my rock, he is the center of my universe. 

I let others in too, don't get me wrong. Others I thought would make good firm pillars of my world. And so many have hurt me, have vanished. I've dreamed and planned so much for the future before each hurt that now I really just want to enjoy the moment I'm in and not think about too much detail. It feels like that would just be setting myself up for a heartbreak again, and I live every day half terrified that the people I let in even now will only end up hurting me, leaving me. But Master will be there, my strength through it all and I'll recover, pick myself up again no matter what.

Sunshine is keeping me pretty level right now, she seems to know just when I need a smile or a encouraging word and we have so much fun together. She and Master make quiet a team too, earlier today they had me laughing so hard I really did nearly pee my pants. And the whole thing started from talking about bachelorette parties (she's my maid of honor). It ended with squirrels. Not saying any more then that xp I'm really grateful for how patient and soothing both she and her Love are. Its a gift I wasn't expecting.

Its odd, I was expecting this blog to be full of pain and resentment at the 'Mom' who adopted me the past few months and then just rejected me last week. That hurt more then words could say, more then I was aware I could let a person hurt me anymore. So many people this semester, so many hurting me and making me doubt that I'm a good person. But it doesn't matter in the end what they say. I know who and what I am, I know that I would never purposefully be cruel or mean or hurt another, I know that I am a good, kind and sweet person. I certainly get told that daily and I do have wonderful people who love me.

And I have Master, who makes me fearless.

So I'm between. I'm staying at Sunshine's house for a few weeks and then I'll be over with Ari and her SO, some time with my family as well, just waiting, waiting for Him to come to me. Waiting for us to finally move in together and for the first step toward our future to come to pass. And for once, I'm not wishing to know exactly what's going to come tomorrow. Perhaps its fear, perhaps its just knowing I get Master in three months...I don't know but I'm going to enjoy this slight rest and try and heal the wounds on my heart.