The Downhill Battle

Yeah, that's what's going on right now.

I hate, HATE depression. I really, really, really do. I wonder if I stress enough how much I loath the thing it will finally leave me alone again. Who knows. Right now though it feels like I'm just sliding deeper and deeper with no way out and no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no reason for me to feel like this right now, no purpose, no trigger, I just don't get why something so stupid can bring me so low.

Life is good, really it is. So how do I explain why I feel this way? I mean I'm doing really really good in school, mostly enjoying my classes (outside of the rage at stupid modern art that isn't really art). But when I get depressed I can't work up creativity to do school work and get meh about it which makes me slower which makes me behind which piles on more work to do get caught up. Oh and did I mention that I'm going into final projects now? Three weeks before the end of the semester is not the time to have a fucking melt down for no reason.

I hate myself for this, for not being able to change it, get over it. There's no reason to feel this way...

I'm living with a woman who has made me very much a part of her family. I'm going to New York City in two weeks. I get to see Master in four and spend a week with him before going to Texas to see family and spend time with some amazing girl friends. I have plans to move in with Master in August, apartments being looked at, ideals discussed. I have next semester to look forward to, commissions to do during the summer. My writing has been wonderful lately and I've gotten top marks on all my work. I have two new girl friends that make me smile and laugh a lot each day who have introduced me to some awesome music. I have a fiance/Master that I love to death and who's very there for me.

Why the fucking hell do I feel so miserable then?

I have never felt so helplessly angry before in my life, and trust me that is saying something. I've lived through so much so why do I feel so low when there is no reason for it? I just want to crawl into bed and cry and sleep, I don't want to eat, to read, to draw to do anything. I ache all over and just want the pain to go away. Its not just physical, its mental, I feel like I can't focus, like I can't be there or really laugh or just....why am I like this? I just can't understand that and that fact just makes it worse...there's no point, no reason so I can't fix it, I can't make it go away.

I'm struggling to just get myself out of bed lately, to make myself eat.

Please, whatever higher power is out there just show me a way out of this, I'm not a melancholic by nature, I like to laugh and smile and day dream and just enjoy life. I think I deserve to enjoy it after all the stuff I've been through. I just can't figure out why this is going on or how to fix it and it puts me into tears several times through out the day. Everytime I think its going away getting better I just slid deeper after a perk up. I keep getting up in the morning thinking 'today will be better' but it isn't. I hate this.

I hate it.

and I hate this blog but I needed to vent about the helpless frustration. Ignore this if you don't mind.