Picking Up Again

I stopped blogging, clearly, and not for the best reasons.

My last blog was a desperate attempt to hold someone to me that it was impossible to keep, someone who didn't want to stay with me, who didn't understand what loving me means. What I'm worth. I didn't realize that at first, it took the help of some friends to see that, to see my own worth, to see that I did nothing in the least wrong. I gave everything I could to that relationship, more then I probably should have and I was so in love, so happy, that I didn't stop and think if he was giving me the very basic things I needed.

Truth was, he wasn't.

Since then I have made a rather long list of my requirements in a relationship, I have examined what I need to be happy in a relationship and I have spent a lot of time talking to Master about what will be the right fit for us if/when I ever decide to open myself up that way to someone else again. And right now that's a big BIG if. I've been hurt so many times that I'm not sure I want to love anyone like I love Master, not that soul searing way.

But that's not the only sort of love there is, thankfully.

Today, well tonight I told my Knight I love him. I think I have for a long time and I know I have for longer then when I finally said it, but there it is, that hang up on love that I can only see getting worse now after the hardships of the relationship with ex Sir. But my Knight, well he I have known for over a year now, and intimately for almost a year. He's been there for me through a lot and I think I for him, though sometimes we have lost touch its never been complete. I know he's there if I need him, I know he will not abandon me. I do not love him how I love Master, at least not right now, who knows, but I do love him, I care very deeply for him, I miss him when he's not around and he is a dear dear friend.

Love.

It really is such a simple word and yet so much is contained in that. I can love many people and I do, just as people love me but sometimes love is hard and horrible, sometimes it hurts more then you can believe is possible. Its when people don't walk away that it grows and has a foundation, its when they stick by you regardless what's happening, regardless of whatever personal flaws you have, so long as you love them and honestly try to improve things, they won't leave you. Love is not letting go.

My Knight has not been around as constantly as Master, as some of my other friends. At times we have gone a week, perhaps more without talking. And I, probably the queen of insecurity have not freaked out and worried, have not obsessed that he no longer liked me. Some part of me was secure that he cared for me, that he would return. What is it about my relationship with him that gives me that security that I lack so often with most others? I do not know, honestly, though I wish I could figure it out. Another person who comes and goes at times is my friend Night, she's so sweet and a wonderful art mentor and 'mothering' figure to me at times, I haven't really spoken to her much outside of a few wall posts on facebook for the past month and a half. Yet I know she still adores me, would instantly call me 'baby' again and chat with me like nothing had changed, because for her it hasn't.

I also have a girl friend my Dear, who has been friends with me for nearly two years now and she's not around much, we talk maybe once a month, sometimes once a week, but still, its not much. Yet I trust her completely, I'm so close to her and I never worry about being accepted by her. I just don't understand why these three people get this response from me, why I don't stress over all the time spent apart.

I will think more about this, but I want to find more gems like them, people that stay even when they aren't around, who I know will always be there.

This isn't the longest or best blog but its here and it is what it is. I'll do more soon.