Looking in the Mirror

May I just say that its really easy to lie to oneself?

Truly it is, think about it for a moment and I'm sure you'll find out that you do it too! Oh what fun. I like to think I'm better then most about self denial stuff, that I know and face my issues, that I can call myself on them and improve myself. I'm certainly more self aware/retrospective then most people around my age. I say most, because of course not everyone is the same. I'm not proud of that fact, in fact sometimes I wish I wasn't, that I didn't obsessively think and consider everything around me, including myself.

But there it is, its me. I can't help it.

Life has been crazily busy lately, moving from one thing to the next all so fast, so fluid and I've let myself slid, allowed too much slack. I've made up excuses for myself, ignored flaws. Now its time to face that mirror and acknowledge what I see. Master and Sir have both been wonderful lately, though not without their own problems, but hey that's life and it takes two to tango and this isn't about them, this is about me and me calling myself on my issues, again.

So that look in the mirror...

I've been doing some hard thinking today, and while I've been told a lot that nothing that's happened lately is 'my fault' that I didn't do 'anything wrong' the truth is part of it is my fault and I have messed up. So here I am, laying myself bare in the best way I know how, stripping back the illusions so that we can create a better foundation. And sometimes its easier to say something here then it is to say it in person, or in IM or on phone.

Biggest thing?

Attachment disorder flare ups.

I so so so thought I was over this, I hoped I was, I never wanted to deal with it again. The first six months with Master were rocky and rough thanks to it. I would cling to him only to push at him, at the limits, to drive us both crazy. Aeval was talking to me the other day about how foster children, who are hurt and confused and wary tend to do that, to push at the boundaries to see what they are and then to break them, to make the situation end on their terms instead of the foster parents. Better to have that little bit of control then none. I can fess up to doing that a few times in foster care, but in small ways, I was too afraid to really do that, and well I don't like being bad.

But in relationships? Romantic ones? Oh I do it, because I expect people to leave me, to get bored with me and leave. So I push and shove them away only to cling when they seem to start to shift.

Its horrible, selfish and not the sort of person I want to be.

I didn't do it to Master, no we made it past that after a few shouting matches and some other hard work. Sir was the unlucky one this time and I am truly ashamed for not seeing that I have been doing that on and off the past month. And I have justified it to myself, saying that its because I needed alone time, but no, I wanted time with him, I couldn't make up my mind, one moment one thing, the next another. Granted no one is ever blameless, but he's owned up to his flaws, its about time I did the same.

Another flaw I've indulged lately?

Avoiding topics, not talking about them. I get so afraid that talking will ruin things, will end them or cause issues. So I stay to safe topics, say the same things over and over again and just don't talk about how I honestly feel. And I was getting on Sir for not sharing how he felt with me...yeah not really the best moment right now, I truly have egg on my face.

Communication is so important to healthy relationships, especially M/s ones and especially especially Poly.

Sometimes I feel so stupid, because the things that have caused issues between Master and I still show up in my new relationship with Sir, shouldn't I have learned and gotten over these things by now? Shouldn't I be better? But I am only twenty and I am only human and at least I know of them now and will work forward on them. Its so easy to play the pity party, to be the victim and I am more then a little upset with myself. I refuse to play victim, if something is wrong then I'll fix it, I'll work at it and improve it. I'll be better, he'll be better, and the future that we dream of so brightly will be ours. Its that simple, I won't allow myself to think of it any other way.

I rush into things, headlong, doing what I think will make others happy even if I am not sure about it myself. That obsessive need to people please that really just fucks everything up...so many flaws, its nearly painful to type this now, to commit these words, but I will, its a cleansing, a purging, and a offering. A sincere gift to lay myself bare in this venue, to put my words out here to say I know I messed up and I'll do better. Its a surrender. Something to hold myself accountable to and for Sir to know that I won't just let this brush under the rug and be forgotten.

I love you, Sir. So much. I will be better, for you, for Master, for our future. I will be the wonderful person you saw when you fell in love with me, I just got a little lazy and you deserve so much more. I'm learning as I go, its hard at times, but I'll make it worth those hard times.

So here is my unvarnished truth, my painful confession of flaws and my hopes, offered up with a loving heart and the dreams of a better future, a better 'us'.