The Future

The Future.

Sounds simple enough right? Most people think of it that way but it isn't for me. Or rather it is and it isn't. Its wonderful and so full of promise and delights, full of love in my dreams now, but its also terrifying and too big at times. I guess it really is silly to get overwhelmed by things that haven't happened yet but there it is, its part of me as irrational as it is. But then a lot of my fears are irrational. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself over it too.

My future is full of nothing but promises, of delights to an extent, to things I would have never dared dream of. Things that have other people jealous of me. That I would have never expected. I never saw my future as a bright thing really, as anything anyone else would want. When I was younger, as in after I graduated from high school (oh yes two years between then and now is so huge I know...), I use to think that I would just do school, try to do something good with myself and then die. Before I was 30. That was my goals, my plan.

Big dreams huh?

No one would have ever thought I would be where I am today either, I don't think, certainly I never did. I mean, after all I'm going to Europe in eighty one days. Yes, Europe, to England to spend a month. How did my life turn into this? I never wanted anything to do with love after Eric died, at least not love like that and other sorts had hurt so much. I had sworn off men and then Master comes into my life...and now Sir. I have two amazing incredible men who love me and take care of me, who want to lay the world at my feet. I'm not sure I'm worthy of even one of them and yet they both tell me that I am divine, not of this world, so precious and wonderful and I just listen and melt inside. But there is still that voice sometimes, that same voice that has always been there I think, the darkness, saying I'm not. That I'm broken and messed up and bad for them. Good thing they are both so patient and stubborn. Oh and I'm engaged...twice over.

I am so happy, so so so happy most times, most days. I wake up to one of them, with a smile on my lips and a brightness in my heart. I go through the day and smile nearly all the time, I sing under my breath and laugh and just dream of the future. And then you have the reverse, where I obsess over things that are just idiotic, where I plan, pick out things to stress about that are not really all that important....those damn run away thoughts again.

So, from a pretty bleak outlook to this planned....

- I'm going to see Master in under two weeks for a wonderful week of spring break.
- I'm living with someone that I admire and look up to as a role model who adores me and treats me like a daughter.
- I get to see Master again right before I go to England.
- I am going to England for forty two days and spending it all with Sir.
- I come back to the US for forty two days (funny how that worked out), to spend it with Aeval and Master and see other friends.
- Then I go back to England to be with Sir from late August onward.
- Master will come see us both in England and then for my 21st birthday we will all three go to Europe where I shall be gifted with a joint collar from both of them!
- Then we come back for Christmas with Aeval.
- And then move in together and...live


I'll never have to be alone again. Ever.

When I think about how wonderful all of this is going to be I don't understand myself, my fears, it makes no sense to be afraid of something that is only full of promise. I am living a life that most people would kill to do. I mean come on, I have two amazing, incredible, hot men who adore me, who pamper me. I've embraced my submissive side, relaxed enough to find my 'little' and trust them to take care of me. I've grown so much and can poke fun at myself. I am getting married, living with both of them, finding friends and blessings left and right.

But fuck if it doesn't all feel too good to be true.

I guess that's what it really boils down to, in the end. The fear of self sabotage, which is something a lot of people with PTSD struggle with. I mean I do work on my issues, I face them, I fess up to what I have issues with. I'm not the type to sugar coat things but still...I could mess up somehow and loose...so much. And that's what I fear. Loosing, messing up. I have opened myself up so much and even though I know Master and Sir are there forever, that Aeval is never going to reject me, that I am loved and cherished and -good- that there is still something bad and broken about me and that it will ruin everything that is so good. That everything will vanish because I'm not good enough. God these stupid irrational fears.

Master knows me so well, he pegged things I didn't even notice myself, he gets inside my head I swear and Sir is starting to do it too. They know these fears and dismiss them as nothing, loving me, wanting me, soothing me. They are the balm to my soul and I don't know how I would get through each day without them. Sir and I are still learning so much about each other though, we have so far to go, and yet have come far already. I'm extremely grateful for Master right now, for his patience when I freak out over little things, for calming me down and hitting the nail on the head with so many comments that show he really does know me, understand how my mind works. But even he can't get everything, even I can't, about myself.

Rambling this out helps, I need to blog more but even then I don't think there's a cure for what goes on inside my head, just learning how to deal with it better. I will just try and relax and focus on what is going on, on the good and ignore the bad thoughts. Master and Sir promised forever, so all I have to do is let them keep their word, and do my best to be good for them. I'm so far from perfect but I seem to be their perfect and for now I won't question that, just enjoy it.

I am good....I'm not the bad person my foster mom M made me out to be, I'm not cruel or mean, I'm a good person. I'm not shattered, just broken in a few ways and being broken isn't bad. Being broken is human, my imperfections make me who I am, make me who the people around me love...it helps me fit into those I love.

I am good. Somehow.