Take Two

So I wrote earlier today and I feel the need to write again, thoughts pressing in on my mind.

I just took the time to read through my blog, this thing, at all the thoughts and things that have shaped me the past year and a half roughly, at how much I've changed. My canvas has been altered so many times, the size, the shape, everything, the places I find myself in shifting a lot because I move around. And my brushes, my choices, well some of those I have made wisely and others not so wisely. Colors too, I love color, but there is sometimes something as too much of something and I have experienced that a few times this past year.

Who am I?

What a question, one I'm not sure I could ever answer, even if given all the time in the world. Who am I? I am nervous and insecure at times, I ramble and blush and bite my lip. Yet I can be laughing and confident around certain people, I can reassure others and be their strength and I love that. I did that the other night actually, for one of my new 'sisters' of a sort, H I'll call her here. She has PTSD just like I do and she was having a break down and I actually helped her, I shared with her things I figured out the hard way, things that helped keep me sane when I was all alone. I felt so good about that, so wonderful that I had come far enough to do that for someone else; quiet honestly that has been something I have always wanted to do, a strength I always wanted to lend. I think I could be happy pleasing other people, helping them, for the rest of my life. Yet everyone needs more then that, can't use just one size brush on the mural that is my life.

I helped her, and then I myself fell.

I woke up the next morning, in pain thanks to the monthly hell that is a woman's period. I don't tend to move much during my first day of my period, I was rather shocked with how everyone took such good care of me, but then I already mentioned that in the first blog of the day. Later that night I was on the phone with Gilead, and then handed it over to Shaine, my roommate, for her to talk to him as well, laughing and at ease. The next moment I was running for the bathroom and throwing up, shaking and lost to flashbacks. I have no idea what triggered it, what caused me to sink back into that horrible dark place inside my mind that lingers, just waiting for me to fuck up and let it spring. That is one brush I will never, ever pick up on purpose, one color I don't want to even look at. I hate it. HATE.

I can't remember everything, never can when I have my fits, just the fear, the blind pure fear that consumed my mind and had me lost, stumbling and wanting to scream and hide. I didn't want to be looked at, to be touched. But Shaine followed me, coaxed me to lay down, Gilead gave me his voice as my anchor and even though I shook and was caught up in the nightmare that was my past I was held onto, I couldn't do to the deepest depths of that dark place because they were there. They both kept me breathing, made me laugh, I remember that, vaguely, its so frustrating sometimes, I hate how weak I am, how broken in places. I want to be strong, to be beautiful and wonderful.

So at one moment I rejoice over how my brokeness lets me help someone else, in the next I loath it because I can't put it behind me completely. The last time I had, as I call them, a 'fit' was this past summer. I've been doing so good and then I stumble and go down so hard and I hate it, I don't want to see that dark weak part of myself. Please, just please let it go away, let it be done and over with. I thought I was so far beyond that now, but yet I told H the other day that you have to learn to live with PTSD because it never goes away. In her I see a reflection of my younger self and I want to help her as others had helped me, I want to be there for her because for once I can be there for someone I love.

Master and I talked about it a bit this morning and he was worried to hear I had one but happy that I had people to take care of me. With Gilead...it hurts to know he saw me like that, honestly. Shaine, well she is my roommate, it was going to happen sooner or later, but him? He's in love with me and I'm falling for him, I don't want him to see that wretched darkness in me so soon, to have to listen to me when I can hardly form words to speak, to know I am unable to control my own body as I shake and all but cry. No, I don't want anyone to see me like that, not even Master, and yet I can't hide it. I want to be the perfect for him, for Master and for Gilead too, to be the sweet princess who has no issues, who makes them smile and laugh and feel good. I want to just be on the highs, no more lows. Haven't I had enough lows in my life? Please, have some sort of mercy on me whatever higher power there is, I've had enough and I just....don't have words to explain how I feel inside at this moment. I want new colors, I want to be bright and dazzling, perhaps if I can mix the right shade I will be transmuted back to that high....

Perhaps.