A Different Kind of Pain

Once a week. That's how often I'm suppose to blog and I nearly forgot about that, don't really want to get in trouble though so here I am, writing and unsure of what I'm even going to write truly. Its odd, how I approach blogs, a lot of times its with something particular in mind. Like its a sketch of an idea, that I expand into a bigger painting, adding in depths on the bare bones of my thought. Today is more like just having a blank canvas, paint at the ready and brushes fiddled with. Hope it doesn't turn out too badly and please forgive me if I ramble.

I couldn't even really come up with a title for it, but January 28th 2009 sounds a little boring and not at all like me, I used a song title, the song I'm listening to right now. Have gone through Bon Jovi, now my iTunes is on Boys Like Girls, silly name huh? But its true, boys do like girls, except when they don't and they likes boys. ~laughs at herself~ I am just so witty today aren't I?

Okay, so trying to focus, whats going on in my life right now. Well my landscape has changed rather drastically, some in good ways, some in bad. The brush that was my friend J is broken and now gone from my life, we had run a site together for over a year but she just wasn't being a good admin, and I did this whole rant thing about it on E, don't really want to revisit it. Anyway, we, the other staff and I demoted her, and she flipped a shit and left, others left with her, lots of drama, panic modes and trying to do damage control. So sick of it, I really, really do hate drama, hate confrontations. It strikes me, so much that these people, most especially J, who had known me for so long seemed to forget about it, saying I wanted this and such. If they truly were my friends they would have remembered that I loath drama and fighting. Oh well, what's done is done, moving on.

Its finally not raining outside, which is nice. Everything is still really green though a pleasant change after Texas and I am loving being back in California for the most part, outside of the time difference. I hate being two hours behind Master, it makes everything a little more difficult, stealing time from us. It feels strange to think I've been here over a week and yet there's an ease about this place, about H and Shaine, my roommates/housemates, about Shaine's parents who I pay rent to. I still miss Master and my family in Texas of course, but I like being here, a lot and its closer to where I need to be for school. And I feel more more part of the house here then I did with my family in Texas honestly, I started my ucky period yesterday and everyone was so sweet, Shaine's mom got me some good Merlot to dull the pain a bit, H made me breakfast in bed and then later that night us girls made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from heaven.

I feel so loved in my life. Its funny, thinking about how at one time I just wanted one person, just one to love me, to want me. I got Master, and then Josie, and then Shaine and all her lovely family and friends, and my own friends. When all the shit with J and the site happened I had so many people rally around me, offer to help me, just being there. Master was incredible too, he's even taking over the advertising lol.

And then there's Gilead, my 'champion'. Lord I must sound like such a slut, all the men I talk about in this blog at times. Master, and of course my Knight, then then mon guardian for one massively long post. Well sadly mon guardian has sort of vanished, he doesn't really respond to my IMs or texts or calls anymore, and I can't stay open to someone who isn't around me, I'm not strong enough for that. I care about him, as I do nearly all my friends, but I don't think it will ever go deeper then that, not after sitting down and seriously thinking about it. I can be attracted to him, I can love talking to him but that doesn't mean that he has the personality, the type of that I could stay open to, he just isn't around enough. and how would it ever work? I don't know....I'll always care about him but I find myself falling, actually falling slowly though surely for Gilead. He's just so...there, so wonderful, always there for laughter or cuddles, to cheer me up or tease and talk, oh we talk for ages about nearly everything and he sings to me. I'm scared shitless, to be quiet honest though. All the freak outs I had over mon guardian saying he loved me are still there, those feelings that I don't deserve Master let alone another person but....I can't help that people love me. That at least I'll accept.

I think I'm already half in love with him, for good or bad, and he...he's giving me a way to go to Europe actually, he's so encouraging and yet so polite, a gentleman, a champion.

I think I'm all rambled out for now....but really, how did someone like me get so lucky?