Love and Need

I always mean to write more, to let myself out more, but its hard, now there is just so many things to do in the day, and not near enough time. I did the Nano, wow that was crazy, but I did it and I loved it, it certainly ate up any fraction of free time I had around school and time with Master and running my website. And of course my friends.

I'm so blessed, with my friends. I really am.

Like with my best friend, Josie, she's just a heaven send, even after this insane semester on both our parts we are so close, and still can make each other laugh. I trust her, I adore her, she understands me in a way I don't think any other girl ever has, she knows what I lived through, she's had her own rough patches. And we've been there for each other through them, I know she's a big reason why Master and I stayed together in the first few months, she kept me sane. Sadly we haven't had as much time this fall for each other, but I get to see her soon, for my birthday she's flying in next week and spending ten days with me. I feel so extremely lucky, I love my Josie, she's the best girl friend I could ask for, and she gets along so well with my Master. She's not in the lifestyle, not a sub or a Dom, but she's kink aware and she accepts us as we are.

And then there is Shaine, oh wow, she's a surprise, so sweet, so loving, all about looking out for me and I try to do the same. We just click, and she gets along with Josie too, which makes me happy. It feels like my circle of friends, of love, is growing outward steadily, strong links that understand and care for each other along with me. I'm going to spend the spring with Shaine actually, I'm a little nervous, yet at the same time so excited, to be back in California, to see old friends, and new ones. Its also sort of a last 'college' experience thing before I move in with Master in May.

And then there are the men in my life, not just Master, though he comes first.

But there's others, like my Knight, he's so wonderful, truly. He lets me come to him about anything, ramble and vent, he soothes me and makes me feel better, I'm his rose, delicate but strong, sweet. Some days we don't talk about anything important, others we talk about a lot of them, but always he is there for me as a friend, a dear close one who I can trust and relax around. I am so grateful to have him in my life, though I fear I am just as greedy with him as I am with the rest of my close friends, in that I turn to him too often, that I don't shield my thoughts enough. But others encourage me to open myself up, my Knight says he likes being there for me, so I guess I shouldn't take that away from him. Master dislikes it when I hold back from him, and I don't wish to make either unhappy.

And yet, I still don't feel worthy of all this, all this love and understanding and affection. I use to long for just one person to love me, just one. And now I have all these different sorts of love, all these friends that care so much for me, that give me support or hugs or laughter. I, who believed I was a monster for so long, am surrounded, adored, pampered to an extent.

Do I deserve it?

I don't know.

And then there's Mon Guardian. What to say about him, what to say indeed. He's very different from Master, he knows this too, he made the comparison the other night in one of our long chats that Master is like rock, and that he is like water. Which is true, they are. I first started talking to Mon Guardian last summer, we just clicked, it was fun. He was very flirty, but then that's just a part of who he is, and I like it, for the most part. Back then I wasn't so sure, so shy and sure that it must just be a pity thing. But we got closer, and he and Master met each other and liked each other, which was surprising, nice though. I pushed myself a little too far too fast though, and it caused us to sort of drift from each other a bit, him giving me the space he thought I needed. I'm honored, that he's always so focused on thinking about what I need, about what's best for me. Even if that means there's no him.

And he loves me.

Love.

How can such a simple word mean so much and be so complicated? Its not for him, no, his love is there whether I chose to love him back or not, he promised he will always be there for me, along with that love, that caring. He said I'm different from the other girls, that what he feels for me is special, and...I believe him. But it was so hard to let Master in, lord, he had to be so patient to get me to let him in, to trust him. Josie helped so much with that. Master and I were talking on the phone this morning, and we made a joke about a manual for understanding me, he said even he could use it sometimes.

I guess I'm easy to fall in love with, on one of my writing sites I've certainly had men interested in me, wanting to know more. But actually loving me? Not so easy.

I'm a bundle of nerves and worry, insecurities and ramblings, of fears and hopes and silliness and artistic spirit. I don't even know what I am myself sometimes. I appreciate everyone that puts up with me, that soothes me down off the hypes I can get myself into. Its like the runaway thoughts, I just can't shut my mind off, I obsess over things there are no need to obsess over. I find little details, reasons to hold off something, reasons to not give myself fully to feeling. I still expect some people to get bored and leave me, I do. Not Master, no that's quieted since we signed our contract. But what are the chances that someone else, another wonderful, amazing man that appeals to me, that makes me laugh and feel beautiful, would fall in love with me too? Why in the world is someone like me so lucky?

Shaine and Josie both say that its because I'm me, that I deserve it, just by being who I am. I laugh, but inside I wonder at their words. Is who I am really that wonderful?

What is it in me that other people see? What is it that made Master love me so? That found these amazing friends? What is it that makes these people so patient, to ready to let me vent and ramble myself out, my thoughts dancing from one thing to the next and worrying about them all? If I could do one thing, I would try to stop myself from worrying. I do it, all the time, over nearly everything, and its not fun.

I ask Mon Guardian if he could see a future for us, he said he didn't want to give me false promises, he wouldn't lie to me, and he didn't know. I asked him if he wanted one with me. He said yes.

He and Master like each other, Master thinks me falling in love could be a good thing, to open myself up like that, to give more trust. He knows just how hard it was to love him, and I can see why it would be good for me, but I'm ...well I'm me. I told Mon Guardian about my past, all the dirty, horrid things, and he said they didn't matter to him, just who I am does. He doesn't mind my odd quirks, my need for reassurance, they are both so patient with me.

Master made the comment that I'm a bit extreme, not in what I do, but in my emotions.

That's because I like to have things fit into place, to make sense. I don't want halfs, if that makes sense, no sitting on the fence. Either I am or I'm not.

I think if I could get past my fears, I could love Mon Guardian easily, all too easily and that makes me more afraid. I never planned to be with anyone, Master was a shock, the love I felt. I nearly walked away from him. And through this all, this new revelation of love and the loop it has thrown me for, Master is there,reassuring, ready to talk. He is my support, as always; he said he would be disappointed in me if the only reason I had not to love Mon Guardian was fear of intimacy.

And even if I love Mon Guardian, I don't know if I could say it, type it, either. Master was the first man to ever hear those words on my lips, I never even said them to Eric, my first love, he died, having told me he loved me and I stayed quiet. I'm so afraid to lay myself bare like that, I can't love just a little. When I love its everything, its all of me, I hold nothing back, I lay myself before those I love and give all that I can. I think that's part of the reason why my love for Master is so intense. Who knows.

Love is scary to me because it doesn't always make sense, I can't control it, I can't make it fit into my plans. In fact, it has a tendency to muck them up, alter them. But, to be fair, usually in wonderful ways.

Mon Guardian has offered nearly everything I think I need to let myself love, to always stay there, the understanding, the laughter, the tenderness, the patience. He wants a future with me, there's just no promise. But then, when I think back, there hadn't been any future promised when I fell for Master, no, we fell in love, knowing it was crazy and impractical for how far apart we were, how great the odds were against us. If another man can love me, perhaps the love will turn out like it did with Master, with things just fitting into place, with us both so ready, so willing to go out of our way for each other.

So...that leaves hope and fear. And need. Need to know, to understand. But you can't, not with love.

I feel like I'm sitting in front of a canvas, painting the path of my life, relying heavily on a favorite brush, one I know, one that understands me, that knows just how I need and want it to move, that would be Master. But...sometimes other brushes can help, they add details, little things, build on what the first laid down. As a painter I wouldn't reject trying a new tool that might help me. I just wish this was as easy as picking out new brushes. The color is love, that is the paint I'm using, but...can I really share it and not tremble in fear of what will happen if its false?

Love, why does it have to be so hard?