Runaway Thoughts

My thoughts are like a run away train.

I guess I should explain that a bit more, and I will try to, if my thoughts will be nice enough to work with me. I can't stop thinking and its all so fast paced, like a run away train in truth, the moment I set upon one thing, then its off, to another, like a race of some sort. I'm left feeling a little confused, lost and like the wind has run through me a time too many. Most people want to feel like they are smart and think fast, to be able to summon information upon a whim. Well let me tell you its not all fun. I'm smart, for the most part, but I have moments when I can't grasp anything because my thoughts are going too fast for me to capture, when I go from one thing to the next faster then most people can follow. Its not a disorder, at least I don't think so, its not like I have an issue focusing, indeed focusing is easy, I can slip into whatever mind space I need to when given a task. Its when I don't have something to do that I get...anzy I suppose.

A lot of people have remarked to me what a sweet and proper submissive I am, and for the most part I guess that is true. I'm shy before most, sweet and demure, I tend to keep my rambling thoughts to myself or my close friends, I try so hard to always behave to be good. I want to be the good girl, no need to seek out punishment. Master likes pain anyway, so if I desire that I can simply ask, not that big of a deal. But I do more bad then good with my obessive, unending thoughts, with the inability to turn my mind off even for short periods of time. The only time I really get to do a full shut down of any kind is when I'm painting, so zoned in and in my own little world, like meditating sort of, or when Master is touching me, using me. Then I can slip back into the same place I find in painting, that same release. A lot of subs enjoy being able to shut off their minds and let go, for me that's still a hard thing to do. And to let go control in most things? Yeah, not exactly happening easily. I like control, I need it in some ways, I over plan everything. Even to how I'm going to tackle my homework per week. I probably spend as much time thinking about in what order and what manner would be best to do something as actually doing it.

I guess what I am trying to get at it is, I'm not as good as people think I am. Or rather, I am but its slightly compromised by my own incessant thoughts.

I wish I could shut them out, and a lot of time they aren't even good ones. Rather I obsess over if I did something properly, if I'm good enough, if I'm too big, too thick, silly stupid things I shouldn't think. I mean, sometimes I even wonder if perhaps Master could find a better submissive, doubting myself to that level which I know it not only stupid but ridiculous. But its one thing to know something and another to absorb it I guess, and my skull is proving to be particularly thick apparently. I guess one thing that bothers me the most is that some of my thoughts I can't even fully give words to, they are just there, hovering and lingering influencing my emotions and not in a good way. I was crying for a good amount of minutes one night, after being sexually forward and then moving off suddenly, just so jumbled up and confused by my own headspace, I couldn't even explain to master what the problem was. I still have so many things to work through, so many limits I can't touch or am too afraid too, along with clinging to control that I don't need anymore. I know he will take care of me and won't let me fall, I just wish it was easy to do as it is to say....but then that wouldn't be life now would it.

Okay, done rambling for now....stay tuned for the next blog if you are really all that interested in my insanity.