Sexual Submission - Why I need to give it

Okay so I was talking to a Dom earlier and this came up, I thought I would try to put into words more clearly.


I love that even if I get flirty and 'sexy' with Mon Voleur, even when I'm his 'sex kitten' I am still his Princess, his lady. I'm still sweet and innocent and silly. That being sexual with someone doesn't make me have to be someone who's sexual all the time. But its more then just wanting to be those things, its needing to still be treated like that, like a lady, like a princess or anything.

Because for me, sex is scary.

Yeah, silly I know, but it is. You can't control how you react, there's no way to. Even if you hate what's happening to you, even if its rape, your body will react in a way that all bodies do. Its why men can be raped, why women get wet when they are, its a biological reaction that sometimes, there's no way to stop. And sex, its so intense and intimate, its, at least for me, like sharing part of my soul with that other person. That is why I stick to hugs and cuddles, maybe a kiss or two here and there outside of a very select few, even online. I can't cyber casually, it just will never happen, I'm not comfortable with it. Because for me to be with someone in a physical way, even if its in text, it still means baring a part of my heart and soul to that person. I can't fake who I am, I don't try, I mean yeah, I could assume a character and come off confident and sexy and purr invitation at all the guys. But that would be a character, not me. I am myself and when I get hurt, well I get hurt.

Now, considering some of my past its funny that I want the other person to have the control. But that's part of why I won't do anything with anyone I don't feel absolutely safe with. Because for me to enjoy it, I need to be able to let go, I need to have that level of trust where the other person guides me through the experience. I control a lot of parts of my life, I have a slight OCD and things have to be just so. I love that in sex, I can let that go, I can surrender over to what the other person chooses. Now I'm not into pain, so it doesn't touch on that, but having a Dom who knows my limits and how to handle me, 'play' with me is wonderful. I love how free I am to be sexy and sensual, to react to what they do, to not have to worry about how I am reacting, and just experience the pleasure.

I think it also touches on what my third and last boyfriend said to me. "You're good to fuck around with, but not the type of girl I'd take home." This is the boy that assaulted and took advantage of me when we were stuck in an elevator for an hour and a half together. It was like, after he knew my past, after he had touched me, there was no need to treat me well. The moment he touched me (granted I did give him a black eye) any respect was gone. So I was afraid to let anyone touch me, or to share of myself that way. Because I want to be the sweet, innocent person that I present myself as the majority of the time. And I am, its not a facade for me, really, my mind does not go into the gutter and I do blush every single time I type it. Ask any of my friends, they see me do it all the time.

The Dom I was talking to said something about how the princess and the sensual young woman, that was mixed in me, he saw both and liked both, but it was one person. That I could be both at the same time. Personally, I don't feel like I can, at least not yet. And that's part of the reason why in sex I will probably only ever be submissive until I can accept that. And well...I just plain like that part too.