Confessing to Submission

Think not of it, sweet one, so;---
Give it not a tear;
Sigh thou mayst, and bid it go
Any---anywhere.

Do not look so sad, sweet one,---
Sad and fadingly;
Shed one drop then,---it is gone---
O 'twas born to die!

Still so pale? then, dearest, weep;
Weep, I'll count the tears,
And each one shall be a bliss
For thee in after years.

Brighter has it left thine eyes
Than a sunny rill;
And thy whispering melodies
Are tenderer still.

Yet---as all things mourn awhile
At fleeting blisses,
E'en let us too! but be our dirge
A dirge of kisses.John Keats

It was one of the last things we did together today, him reading me that. Keats is both of our favorite poet, we figured that out so long ago. I let Will take my volume of his work with him, and I plan to ask him to read from it to me regularly. It was so hard not to cry today. Not to cling and beg him not to go. I did beg the last few days for just one more day, just stay a little longer. But as much as one may wish to live in a fantasy reality always intrudes and so we are apart again, for a few weeks, at least its not as long as before. that's what I remind myself.

I have something to confess, or rather, to come out about. A portion of the site already knows, some in detail about it, others vague. And I'm sure there have been guesses at it ever since I switched my orientation from unsure to submissive.

I am submissive.

Its not something I'm completely at ease with admitting, after all I know for a fact that some of what has protected me a bit from 'darker' attentions in other places is my 'vanilla-ness'. I'm boring, vanilla, hopeless romantic. But you can be those things and still be a sub. *laughs* Though I'll probably get in trouble for calling myself boring. *looks around for Master warily*

Its been a journey, getting to this point. I first had a taste of it over a year ago, joining E, making friends with people like Cherri/Sprite, and if some remember, Sherona and Stori. I listened to them, asked questions, did research. I read stories and blogs and almost anything I could get my hands on. And it was the non sexual stuff that appealed to me, the trust, the communication. The clear boundaries and powers, the rules, the love and safety and trust. Oh trust is so huge to me. And it would be a safe environment in which I could let go, in which I could surrender, and entrust someone else with control. Those are just the first things I remember drawing me too it, I was lucky enough to see how the dynamic worked through several of my friends relationships, through things in role plays, through real blogs and even a few books. My aunt, I found out over Christmas break, is a submissive as well, though, perhaps not as fully into it as I have found myself now. There have always been bits of it showing, a few people have outright guessed at it, but being submissive, it scared the shit out of me. Because that was what I saw my mother as, and...well I don't want to do into it, but she isn't, she's dependent, weak, she's a child in a woman's body who accepts no responsibility for things.

I was worried about being weak. Giving submission to someone is one of the hardest things you can do. Submission is a strength.

I was worried about not accepting the responsibilities I need to. As if, you have to take them, and own your mistakes and your successes.

I am more truly myself now then I have ever been I think, finally accepting this part of me.

Now to why this all is relevant.

I wanted to explore D/s back last fall, wanted to learn more about it, its pros and cons, if it really was for me. A male friend of mine who had been taught by a Mistress offered to guide me through it. I believe he said something about how "I would rather you experience it with me and know you are safe then end up" in something bad. Not sure the exact words. So after a few days of talking, considerations and wrestling with myself we both agreed. Now he had only been a sub up till then and this was strictly online, and mostly sexual (which was extremely hard for me, because even with this I'm not comfortable with talking about sex openly, or seeing myself as a sexual person). So I was his, and the learning did begin. At times it was downright hard, though a lot of it was shield by the fact that it was purely online. He did get me to appreciate my breasts, and other parts of my body, to learn how to find pleasure from my body. (I am blushing sooo badly right now). And we were close friends, even outside of that, for months.

Until I met Mon Voleur and things became serious with him, about three weeks into my relationship with Mon Voleur I asked to be released from the relationship, to be able to be completely Mon Voleur's. I was, and even to this day I remain good friends with my first Master.

The first time I brought up D/s to Mon Voleur, he laughed at it, he couldn't see us fitting into that. It was partly because I still hid a lot of myself from him, I'm a private person, I get to know people by degrees. But I have told Mon Voleur things I never planned to tell another living soul, so this came out, after our first rl visit. And a lot of our relationship already had natural undertones in it, like him making sure I ate so many times a day, giving me a bedtime, lightly slapping my hand or ass, or breast (he really loves all of them I think) whenever I got too outspoken. There are countless other things, but those are the biggest in my mind at the moment. So we talked about it, I knew what I wanted and needed, and I told him that I couldn't just go blindly into this, or ask him to. I asked him to do his own research, we shared links, we talked about it deeply. And then started moving toward it. On Saturday night he collared me, I am wearing the wondrous object right now, touching it every so often as I write. This is hard for me, I am not sure I'm ready to admit to this, but then, I've written all of this so I guess I sort of have.

I am not loosing myself, I am not changing.

I am me, and I am a submissive and I love every part of it (well not when I get in trouble but that's good for me too) and...well I'm stopping here for tonight. If I work up the gumption I'll write more tomorrow.