Love and Awe

So earlier was more about venting then actual blogging and it wasn't anything that people haven't heard me freak out about lately. I am, unfortunately, a big baby when it comes to pain and I don't exactly have the best mental place for that sometimes.

However it doesn't seem fair to just post that for the week when other things have been so incredible. For once my life outside of school is better then my life inside, which hasn't happened all that often. Usually school is my anchor, it makes everything else make sense. And well today (I haven't gone to bed yet so its still Valentine's in my mind) is Valentine's Day and I will not let it pass unremarked, unthought about...especially this one.

I am so very very blessed.

Its the truth, really. I love Master, so much, he has been such a big part of my world for the past year, making so much make sense, opening up so many new things to me. He makes so much safe, he gives me a haven, a stronghold. He's more then just a 'Master', one word could never define him nor how I feel for him, he is my best friend, my confidant, my protector, my lover, my heart my soul....so many things. And he loves me so thoroughly sometimes I am shocked by it. And yet..there is so much more to. For I have found another soulmate in Sir, in Gilead. Its crazy, scary, sometimes, how well we fit together, its like how Master and I were at first, this perfect fit, only in some ways we fit better at first then Master and I ever did. Part of that is because I'm myself, I'm not as afraid, I am not holding back so much of myself as I use to. I'm thankful for that too.

I love him, Gilead, he is my heart just as much as Master is now. I guess it might seem silly to some people, to love someone so deeply after so little time but there it is, it is true because that is what it is. He knows me and I him, in a way, with a connection that goes so far beyond what I've seen some people have after years. Why I am the one blessed this way I do not know.

Sometimes its all scary. But that makes me think its more real for that, that its not that I'm deluding myself; so many parts of myself still feel like I don't deserve this, this wonderful amazing thing, these two men adoring me, needing me, taking care of me. And yet I have it, and in their hands, surrounded by them I am safe, loved.

I just want to be wrapped in their arms forever. If I had one wish it would be to keep them with me forever, whatever the cost. I would move anywhere, do anything to be with them, to make them happy. And yet even with that its not what they want, they want to see my dreams come true, to make me happy. We are all talking about moving in together, spending time together, we talk, all three of us often and the two of them on and off through the day. I am always in touch with one of them, held, loved, known, cared for. After being alone for so long I'm surrounded and I love it, I sink in it and I want it to last forever. I will always try to be worthy of the love, the wonder that they give me, my amazing, talented, poetic men who steal my heart every day. Let this last forever and I shall never need for anything else.

Though I suppose that part is a little silly, of course I won't, they are both Doms who want to take care of me. To prove it...from Sir .... "There are no words to ever explain, beloved... how much you mean to us. But we can love and take care of you, that'd be a start at least..."

Let me stand in awe, for eternity I will, for forever they have promised me and for always I'll cling to them and serve them, adore them, try to be worthy of all that they give.

Today has had a lot of stress and ups and downs, but in the end of it, they loved me, love me and that will stay with me always. They are seared into my soul, needing as the sunlight, I am a plant growing toward their height, nurtured by them, nourished and taken care of. I couldn't think of what my life would be like without them.

Thank you my loves, for the phone calls first thing in the mornings, so each new day I greet with you by my side, for the long conversations, the laughter and jokes (yes even the Borat ones Sir!), the putting up with my rambles and my silly delight over the oddest of things. Thank you for always making me feel so beautiful and sensual, and yet sweet and innocent. For encouraging me to dream and follow those dreams, for picking me up when I fall down and can't see a way out, for cheering me up and helping me to forget about the world for a little while to ease it all. Thank you for giving all that you do every day, all the attention, the love, the reminders to eat or do this or that, to take care of myself until you can yourself. For flowers and visits, for songs and poems, for the past and the futures, for shared scars and hurts and cherished goals together.

Hopefully next year we can be together in person, but even if not...I am yours, always Sir, always Master, always your girl, your little one. And know how fully blessed I feel each moment of that.


<3