Gesture of Life

I’m a little late for this week, but what can one do?

Life has exploded for me, or at least that’s what it feels like for me lately. The semester started and last week was semi sensible, just getting into it and making sure everything is understood, welcomes and intros and all that. This week is the actually work, and its insane. The level and amount of it at least. And its effected other aspects of my life as well.

I had last semester easy, honestly, two book classes, a photography class and then my painting class. Yes painting was project/product based but it was something I love and that I’m good at. I can paint fast and loose and it ends up being pretty good, if I take what others have said to me. This semester is different. I have two charcoal classes which is probably my least favorite medium to work in, I can do wonderful things with a mechanical pencil or paint or digital, charcoal is a struggle and getting back into it after a semester off it driving me crazy. Anatomy and Intermediate Figure Drawing demand it though and so I’ll just have to get use to it I guess. At least the classes seem interesting, Figure Drawing will always be a thing I’m interested in and Anatomy is going to help me so much as an artist and its pretty interesting so far. I also love the teacher I have for Anatomy, who I also have for Figure Modeling, my sculpture class. Another class I’m a bit leery of….clay and I aren’t the best of friends.

On the upside I still have an art history class, 20th Century this time. It isn’t bad, this course load, but it is a lot of work and a lot of time. As in I have to do three forty minute drawings plus two three hour drawings for Anatomy alone. Add in two hours a day of clay projects for Figure Modeling and then another five per week at least for Figure Drawing and you got one busy slave girl.

Which adds complications to my relationships.

Since this last blog the landscape of my life has altered a lot, as in I am officially with Gilead, he is my Sir now.

Part of me is thrilled about this, most of me in fact, after all I love him so very much and he is just…beyond words. I honestly couldn’t put into words how I feel about him and Master, they are both so wonderful in such different ways. I started a new canvas with the New Year this year, firmly in the relationship with my Master, a year with him, and collared since May, happy for the most part. We are so strong, the two of us, and yet still sometimes I get afraid, but then who doesn’t? No one really knows what is going to happen. Master is a well known brush that I have in my hands everyday, and he paints a multitude of colors across my life, love, protection, structure, trust, reassurance, creativity…all those wonderful things, for we know each other so well. And yet lately there have been some other darker colors, not bad, because after all they are making us stronger in a way, more prepared for a life together down the line. Doesn’t make things any easier now but we can get through it.

I wonder if I seem fickle, to have posted all that about mon guardian and yet to fall in love with and accept Gilead as my Sir. But what can one do. I sit and think about myself, why I was so afraid to accept that brush into my hand, to use it to apply to the deeper more intimate parts of my life. I think it is that everyone, including myself of course, can tell when someone is or isn’t right or good for them. Mon guardian was wonderful but we were never meant to be together, not with the way he left. I think that was part of the reason why I was so hesitant and afraid over his love, because I expected the brush to be plucked from my hands the moment that it was taken.

I wasn’t far off the mark.

Sir is…something different. He is there, he is laughter and song, for he sings to me, woos me in so many ways. He is a ready shoulder when I need to cry, though he hates my tears, saying so often that ‘nothing is worth your tears’. He makes me feel like a princess, something Master is good at too. I trust him so much already a brush I have plucked up to use many times through the day, craving the sound of his voice, the flash of his smile. It scares me, how much I can love both of them when I thought love was over for me so long ago.

Ah February, how I hate this month. Two of my sisters have birthday’s this month and Eric died. Three people I lost, one sister leaving by choice, refusing to see me, one taken and yearning to see me as badly as I her, and Eric…Eric stolen away out of life altogether and leaving me alone and lost. February is a month of loss for me, always has been. January seems to be a month of gain, for both of the men in my life have birthday’s in January and I fell in love with both of them in January, ironic no?

Its funny, I use to think of life as one canvas, as a single project that one works steadily on, and perhaps it is, but I’m moving a lot slower at covering it then I was expecting. Lately it feels like each day is a new sheet of paper and all I can do is make the quickest gestures of lines before its done and over and I can only pray that the lines I did make were good and gave enough detail, told enough. I don’t feel like a painting, rich and deep in detail, but like a gesture drawing, rough, sketchy and frantic. I’m not sure I like it, but then I can grow through anything right?

I’ve rambled a bit haven’t I?

I guess my thoughts are like a gesture drawing as well, I can just give vague quick lines to try and give form, to show what is happening. But then life is moving, my model altered and the landscape new. I can hardly keep up with it, pick up the right pencil or stick to work with…yet all one can do is to keep trying and I should get better at it sooner or later. One can only hope.

Master said that he wanted me to try and do this blog about sexual submission, why I need to give it but honestly I can’t get my head into a sexual place right now so I hope that he will accept this honest outpour of my thoughts and know that it’s a sign of life changing so quickly and me trying to find my footing in it.