Midnight Reflections

So, here I am once more, trying to write more often.

In my last blog I said something about how life is about failure. I was semi resigned to it, and I guess I found an upside to such failures, as long as they are small ones. In that I was told by my teacher that my still life as of last Tuesday was totally off and I had to start a new one. I took two days off to try and get my head on straight and then went at it. And you know what? The second one turned out a lot better then the first, and it was a lot faster. So, for once, failure worked for me.

Granted, right now at midnight the night before I have to turn it in I'm not overly pleased with having cut it so close. Or with the fact that now I"m behind on the schedule I had planned out for this week. Considering I have a term paper due on Wednesday and a hand and foot, both fully rendered due on Thursday. Its just going to be one of those weeks.

But that's okay.

I am on a writing forum, and about a week ago or so I went out to an art show gallery, got all dressed up and posted a video of me on that forum. In a little black dress, black four inch heels and with make up. I got a ton of compliments. But posting the video is the real thing for me I think, I was confident enough to put something of myself out there. I mean, a face picture, shows just that, your face, and I'm pretty enough to be semi comfortable with that. But to post a video showing off my body in a sexy dress? Not something I would have ever seen myself doing even a few months ago. But, as one of the comment's said "You are just brimming with confidence" and its true. It took confidence to post up that video of myself, and I realized, it takes confidence to write these blogs. Because I'm showing 'off', sharing parts of myself I once would have kept hidden. I have become sure in who I am, in that fact that regardless of what a few may think, that most people on that forum will like me, will want to see me. I am more sure of my reception with other people.

Don't get me wrong, part of me is still freaking out every time there is more then say three people around, and even then, no promises. I am always unsure, what if they don't like me? What if I do something wrong? There is always that fear, that self doubt, but I've eased it some. I have confidence in myself and how I present myself to the world around me. I've struggled with confidence a lot lately. After being one of the top students in my high school and my last college, to come here and struggle and work my ass of to get C's....well it wasn't very encouraging or a happy thing. But I have had the people in my life who matter tell me that they don't care what grade I get. I tied up my self worth and identity with how I performed in school, bad idea. I'm trying to fix it. Lets see if I can.