Traveling Reflections 2

I travel. A lot. Within the past two months I have been in four states and on six plane flights. Not to count the hours in the car, two hours here, three hours here. Yeah, traveling is a state of my life, or it has been.

I'm on the last stretch of that now, heading down to school. I love traveling, I like the new flow of things and people, you know, its like, no matter how annoyed or bothered you get by something, soon you get to leave it behind. That's been my mentality for several years about life too, that no matter how bad things get and no matter how unhappy I am at any certain place, I'll be out of it soon, no need to worry. There are pros and cons to that though, as much as it has helped at times its also made things harder. Because leaving, always leaving is not a good mind frame to live your life in.

When you move and your younger its hard to stay in touch with people, especially if your parents are like mine and don't let you stay in touch. So you lose touch, leaving, for any length of time, in my mind, for years, meant loosing friends. People came and went but no one was constant. So in my mind I have developed this sort of sense that no one is ever going to be with me forever, not even family. Everyone leaves and in the end you only have yourself to rely on, to be with. Everyone is alone in this world, but you don't have to be lonely.

I think I had a hard hit yesterday, part of the reason my mind is on this now. My best friend from high school called and informed me that she was going to have someone else be her maid of honor after she had already asked me. I was easily replaceable to a girl who had been best friends with me for over six years, we were stage partners. But out of sight, out of mind. So, for me, I don't let people get too close. I don't open up all that easily to anyone, because I know they'll leave, they'll forget me, its natural. Only, I'm starting to find that its not.

Its a refreshing change, this new influx of people in my life in the last year or so that don't forget, that don't let go. My aunt and uncle in Texas are now my main supports, my aunt is like the mother I never had, she is there for me when I'm sad or upset, she laughs with me, goes shopping with me. She spoils me, now that took a while to get use to. And I feel safe and welcome there. Its a rather nice sensation, novel too. But beyond the sudden burst of family care into my life, a little late at eighteen but better then never, as I turned nineteen I became aware that I had friends. Friends in the true meaning the of the word, friends I could go to or who would come to me. Friends who really know me, not just the sweet mask I present to the world. We all hide under masks, everyone does. But the people around me are starting to take deeper looks and the best part? Even when I push them away they don't go.

In fact, my significant other told me flatly the other day that he wasn't going anywhere. Granted, its a good thing he's stubborn like that, because all the other males I've tangled with have always gone away. Because I push them away. Maybe some part in me wanted to see if they could handle the tough job of being in my life. I'm nice, sweet, adorable, (these are all taken from my SO so if you disagree you can blame him xp), but my life is hard. I want someone who can weather those storms with me, who can be my rock during hard times. The boys before couldn't, the man I'm with now, I believe he could. And well, there is the simple fact that I love him. But...its still unknown. I don't know if he will stay at the end of it all. There is no way to know if anyone will, but...one day at a time. That's how I'll live my life with my relationships. No forevers, because, there is no forever, not really.

I'm going to San Francisco, to a large art school. Scary huh? San Fran is a huge city, full of so many different people. I'll have so many choices to make, so much to do. I can't wait to start my life there, to really live. Lets just hope I do it right.

But one thing is for sure, traveling, for the next two months at least, is done. If I see a plane before March I'll probably run screaming. Well...maybe not that extreme but..you get the picture.