Traveling Reflections

This is my corner of cyber space in which I can be creative and express myself with other artists around, to share my words. Why not use it more? No reason why not really and so here I am. And what better night to start then on a birthday?

It is a hard thing to do, moving. And I fear something I have done too much of it. Its hard to keep up muse and inspiration to do things when you do so as well. I mean sure, I see a lot of things, think about a lot of things during the hours that I spend traveling. But with the packing and unpacking, all the frantic plans and schedules the fear that I will never have enough time, I just don't feel like doing art, or honestly writing my own prose.

I really don't have much posted up here, part of that is because I don't want to write jibberish or things that are unimportant. It may be a blog but blogs are different then normal journals. If that makes any sense. This fall has been hard on me in a lot of ways, all the stress from taking on too many classes, or working too much and not sleeping enough and then all the medical issues. I lost my muse for several months, not even wanting to look at my tablet. And even when I did get back into it, after I ended up having to do a full medical withdrawal from school, it still felt like something was missing.

I can't wait till Jan. 26th, till I am well and truly settled into San Francisco, into Academy of Art. Transferring was the right decision to make, however hard it may have been to make it. And being a Fine Arts major, I can't wait to start drawing, really drawing with my hands again. I loved that, back when I did it more, but now I'm so use to the digital stuff and have no one that would sit for me, let me study them and really let my art come to life. Sure my digital paintings are pretty, I spend hours upon hours making them so. But nothing, nothing in this world can really replace the wonder and beauty that is the traditional forms of art. Not in my mind.

I will be taking two drawing classes a scuplture class and a photography class (that is for artists and how to take pictures/slides for your portfolio). I will be getting charcole all over my hands again, that was so fun now that I think back to it, although granted a pain in the ass. I really do believe that my work, digital and not, will improve being back in those classes, being back at what I love. I wasn't wrong to go to D&E, to try and compromise between what I wanted and what my family expected. Two professors and a personal assisstant for one of the most powerful familes in Texas, yeah, that's not much to live up to I guess. And the fact that Grandpa was a Navy officer and there aren't much expectations. Cue sarcasm.

Its really funny that, I mean, I grew up hearing from my family that I was the "smartest of us all, you can do such great things" etc, etc. And from foster parents that I would end up in jail, on the streets or in a mental hospital. All such lovely choices. But I refuse to let others define me, I refused to believe what people told me I would do when it was bad, but when it was good? I thought I should live up to those thoughts, even if they weren't what I wanted. What I wanted just never really surfaced. I wanted college, I have known that since the age of 8th grade, heck I have been researching college since that age. Its always been my dream, but what to do after it? No clue. I just want to write and paint, to create and give to the world. That's not exactly a job description though, or at least not one that will make any money.

Starving Artist.

I feared those words. I let others lead me to fearing them, to thinking that I could never even try down that path, not really. There was a brief touch of time that I did, and I had a foster mom slam down on me that it was completely riduculous and with art, I felt like I couldn't argue. So I went to English, to writing and such. I went to D&E as a double major in English and Political Science with a double minor in History and International Relations. I was going to try for Cambridge for grad school, was going to be a political journalist while attending grad school. And after that? I wanted to be a English professor so I could help people. But the stress I put myself under, the expectations I heaped on myself, I made it so that I couldn't succeed. And now I'm happy that I did so. Because now I get to go back to what is me, to what I love. I can go there and know that I can do it, and you know what? Academy has a 98% job placement in all of its colleges (one university, 14 colleges inside it). So I will get a job, I will teach art or work in a gallery or something similar. I will help people, teach people, show them the light and the love that I found.

Because I don't know how not to, not when I'm being true to myself, which, in my eyes, is what art and creation are all about.

Artist uses lies to tell the truth, so I'll use lies to help the world come to life.

I am now another year older, another year wiser. I still have so much to learn, and I'm glad to be alive to learn. And I hope what I have learned can help others as well.