Painter's Reflections

I doubt anyone has even really had the chance to read my last journal, and here I am already writing a new one. Apparently being able to write something that is just thoughts down is going well for me now. Odd how that works sometimes.

I am horrible at keeping journals in real life, I guess its because of all of the moving I have done. And I have done a lot. I have four journals throughout high school, and I notice I tend to write more right after or before a move. And I think that is because its the period of transition, the period of unease. Well open unease. Its like, when I'm in that middle period, the after honeymoon and before break up stage, I don't want to rock the boat with any real reflections. Because if you think too much about your life you start to find the things that just aren't right. And in foster care there was a lot that wasn't right. So much that made me unhappy at each home. At the one I lived in the longest, which was hell, high school 24/7 basically (talk about a living nightmare) I would sometimes go months without writing, write a lot, like every day for two weeks or something, before I would start falling out of it.

And the reason this comes up tonight, outside of this being my new journal? Because I was going through the shed out in the backyard here, where I have my "memory" stuff stored. Things like my antique dolls and christining blanket, photos and such. Things I don't want to lose. And I came across my journals. I read through some of them, the high points where sometimes recorded, low points as well. Yet there was always this sense of writing them and censoring them. Like I thought someone was going to read them.

I find it odd that I can be more straight forward and frank with an online journal that will be read, then within the pages of a real journal that most likely won't be other then by myself. Life is so odd at times no? And I fear I am a very very odd creature. But that's something I actually like about myself, how I really am not like anyone else that I know. Its nice to be different, honestly. Hard yes, but good hard. Which I have been thinking about a lot lately.

See here's the thing, my two best girl friends from high school? Well one is in engaged and the other is pretty close. The first one I'm thrilled for, she's been dating her boyfriend for over two years now, and they are going to have a long engagement. She is still going to school, has her own apartment, working and going after the dreams she had before her boy came along. And he's working with her on them as well. The second girl isn't like that though, she and her boy have been dating for less then a full year, she gave up all the top colleges she got into to stay with him, living in a double wide trailer with him and two of his guy friends, working at a local store and taking classes online, and just one at that.

One person found love and didn't change, the other found love and did, drastically. And that makes me wonder, is the reason that I've had such a long period of not dating, of not finding anyone who even interested me in that way, because I refuse to change? Or not so much that I refuse to change, but that I don't want to change for a guy? I mean, I am still young, I am still finding out what I want from this life, where I want to be, what I really want to do. I mean, yeah, I have ideas, I have very carefully laid out ideas and researched thoughts, but still, those are open to change. I like to think of myself as living art at times, fluid, paint that can be moved and smeared, blended in a bit with another color. So I'm still finding myself. How can I be with someone and be myself at this age and doing them at the same time? I do not want to lose myself. That is all I really have you know, its the only thing that is me, is me, and what I put out. I look at my art, well look back at it and when I had a boyfriend its slightly different, more lovey dovy I guess.

I want to know what I want, who I am, I want a firm understanding of both of those before I get into a relationship of any kind. Well a serious one, and I am not a girl to jump into a casual one. I have been given two schools of advice, one is that I can't really find the right person until I am whole and sure of myself. I have to be myself and confident in that before I can really be with another person. The second is that if I close myself off to dating while I'm waiting on that that I will miss out on a lot, miss out on perhaps the right person.

Its hard to know which school to go with it. Its like, okay, chose red or blue. Both are great colors, I could paint a ocean with blue or a rose with red. And blend them together a bit? I get purple, violets and forget me nots. So is there a middle road? Because I think I want to find that purple. I mean, I'm moving to San Francisco, to a huge amazing city, I will be taking classes and going out with friends. So I will be meeting people. But I do not want to jump into a relationship that I am just not ready for. I made a promise with myself to not date my freshman year of college, and you know what? I'm really glad I did that. Because that gives me at least this year to get my feet under myself. I mean I had guys that liked me in WV, and while I wasn't overly interested in any of them, if I had had the same mentality I used in high school I would have dated because I felt like I had to give everyone a chance. Only I don't. I've been making a list, a list about what I want from a guy, what I need. I don't need a guy, I may want one from time to time, but the basic fact? I don't need one to be happy.

But if I do have a guy there are things I need. I mean, they will become another mirror that gives me yet another reflection, another aspect to my thoughts, my art, my life. I like to think of my life as a canvas that I paint on, I only use high quality paints and brushes. The brushes for my life are my choices, they are the instruments I use from time to time to move my life forward, to give it color and depth. The paints are the people I have in my life. Why should I expect any less then exactly what I want to help paint this time in my life? The answer is I shouldn't. I think every girl should have a firm list of what she needs from a guy, and then what she wants.

I mean, I want a guy that knows how to dance and can sweep me off my feet. I need a guy that is attracted to my brains first, that can challenge and stimulate my mind. Dancing is a want, intellect is a need.

Two weddings, two things to be maid of honors for, and I'm happy for my friends, even though their choices certainly aren't mine. I couldn't be happy with their choices, their brushes, and nor could they with mine. But at least, the three of us have chose the paints that we are to mix and mingle for now. If a life really is like canvas I think it would make sense, I mean, there are so many different colors and things in each piece, just like there are so many other lives that touch just one, and the choices, well, the choices end up saying how big or small things affect us.

So brushes and paints. I've chosen my brushes, I like them, spent lots of time thinking over them. And sure, from time to time I upgrade a size or downgrade, I put in new ones. And the paints? Well those tend to come all on their own.

The best part? I get a say in how much of each color marks my cavnas.

Because its my canvas.