Revelations

Its odd how things can sneak up on you...

I grew up abused, its a simple fact, its a part of who I am. My mother wasn't all there, she made bad choices for both herself and myself and my siblings. My stepfather was an asshole, enough said. Together they did some serious damage to me in multiple ways. And what they didn't destroy in my self image foster parents later took care of. Its a horrible thing to live with, questioning nearly everything, wondering if you are a good person, if you should be held to blame for sins you did not commit. Its amazing the amount of guilt and fear a person can carry with them.

But I have had a revelation, I don't know why, I can't put my finger on just one thing that caused it.

I am good. I am strong and beautiful. I may not follow conventional beauty perhaps, at least not the American view of it but I'm tall and curvy, I carry my weight well and I take good care of myself for the most part. I have a few health issues that I've put off fully dealing with but I'm going to face them head on now, there's no reason not to take care of myself to the best level I can, because you know what? I deserve it. I should care about myself enough to take care of myself, to do little pampering things like lingering in bubble baths, getting great hair cuts and thinking about what I eat. I should dance, whenever I want to, because the human body is beautiful in movement. I have gorgeous hair, lively eyes, clear skin, tempting lips and a body that's curvy enough to draw stares in a good way.

I'm not going to be ignoring that anymore, I'm going to embrace myself, all of myself and know that even the bad parts are good in a way, for they are what make me who I am. They are me. And if they are 'bad' then I will improve, I will work to do better. No scars, on my skin or elsewhere are going to keep me from enjoying my life.

I will wear make up just when I want to, I will play around with it and treat my face like a canvas. I will wear high heels and walk in a way that I know drives my Love crazy. I'll dress how I want to and not worry about being different. I will laugh and enjoy myself.

I'm rambling a bit now...but yeah...

I am a good person. I am a strong person. I have every right to enjoy my life and savor where I am, to reach for more. I got myself out of the abusive situation I grew up in. I got myself out of Bitch Foster Mother's when she ignored me, because I deserve so much more then being ignored. I am a glorious, beautiful and creative woman. I am a artist. I deserve attention, I deserve the praise I earn with my art. I am an artist and a good one, I work hard and I will be amazing one day. I'll be famous even, just watch. I'll be published as an author, I'll do the graphic novels I want to, I'll be so good people will be inspired by me. I'll travel the world and see everything I possibly can.

I can do anything I set my mind to.

People now try to tell us now that we should be happy with what we have, that the world is a lot more locked in in ways it wasn't before. That the only ways to really make it big is to be in computers or business. Bullshit. That's a lie. And perhaps not that many artists succeed but I'm a hard worker and I will get there. I got myself out of my past, I can do anything now. I have every right to embrace my life and love it. I have an amazing man who loves me and I him. I feel so....comfortable and confident now. I don't need to apologize for what I lived through or for who I've chosen to be. I don't have to apologize for anything, I don't really have any reason to be insecure. I'm flourishing as an artist, as a writer, as a person. I'm writing and reading, I'm painting and learning, I'm growing up so much and as I near my 21 birthday I know only a lust for life, for all it can give me.

The world lays before me and you better believe I'm going to take every thing I can, I'm going to shine bright, like the Heliotrope I am in my heart. And who knows, I might even get a tattoo one day :)