Weariness

I feel so overwhelmed.

I was going to write this week about how wonderful things are, how far forward I've grown in my relationships, how excited I am for the future. And that's all still true. But what's driving me to write tonight is just pure and complete overwhelming of life by school.

I can't do it, not all of it. I feel so afraid half of the time, frantically trying to do things, to keep up with stuff. And failing, failing so much. There is just too much to do. I have been working constantly since last Tuesday on things, I haven't even done nightly shows with my roomie, and right now there's a Valentine's Movie night going on for the house and I'm back here, trying to do school work and talking to the men. Everything is due tomorrow at midnight and I know there's no way in hell I can get it all done, seriously.

I made a list on Tuesday to keep track of everything and in the [] are notes on its progress.

Anatomy
- Read Session Pages [done]
- Take Quiz [done - 28/30]
- Three Fourty Minute Drawings [one done, one nearly done, one to be started]
- Drawing of Pelvis - 2+ hours [almost done]
- Drawing of Ribcage - 2+ hours [on third work now...being perfectionist]
- Discussion - multiple posts [ done]

*Special issues - didn't get all the right pencils. Have to pick up more on Friday./Got the pencils.


Figure Modeling
- Read Session Pages [done]
- Take Quiz [3/5 Stupid tricky question about bases and metal arms >.>]
- Build Armature [got it all but stupid arm...]
- Get clay and rest of supplies once fin. aid is in [done]
- View video demonstrations of the geometric figure [need to do]
- Exercise 2.1: Geometric Shapes [need to do]
- Exercise 2.2: Simple Proportions and Structure [need to do]
- Homework 2: Pure Form Egg [need to do]
- Discussion - multiple posts [first one done]

*Special issues - don't have hardware to construct the armature yet, nor the clay. Need fin. aid.


Intermediate Figure Drawing
- Read Session Pages [done]
- Watch Line Demo [not done]
- Line Figure of Female [done]
- Watch Rhythm Demo [not done - video missing]
- Three 40 minute drawings of Figures [not done]
- Discussion - multiple posts [done]

Art History
- Read Session Pages [done]
- Listen to Lecture [done]
- Take Quiz [10/10]
- 'Mini' Essay [done]
- Discussion - multiple posts [done]

*Special issues - none!

And my arm hurts, like hell. I got some sort of infected hair in my arm pit about a week ago, ignored it outside of putting on some cream to make it better. Which it didn't, no its just gotten worse. And then another one popped up and so I decide to try a natural cure, this sugar scrub which Shaine was nice enough to try and apply. May I just say that it hurt like all hell? It hurt way worse then any pain play I've ever done, then burns, then most things. I cried and could hardly breath for how badly it stung. And then the salt baths, torture, but it seemed to go down. The day after that we tried a cream and bandaid combo that seemed to work. Next day I got drunk so that when we tried to 'pop/lance' it and pour hydrogen perxoide on it it wouldn't make me die of agony. Only the needle didn't help get anything out, just made me bleed.

At least Master and Sir both got a kick out of that. Apparently I'm extremely entertaining when I'm drunk.

Next day was our trip to San Francisco, our being me, Shaine and H, just the girls. So I put on more of the cream and larger bandaid to reduce the rub of the skin and such. But what we didn't think of was the fact that I was going to be sweating, so when we went to pull it off later it was not fun. The air hit the cream which had perxoide in it apparently and it stung so bad I started to cry. So H dapped it off with a cool cloth. Look at the it the next day and a bunch of little pimple like things sprung up from the line where the bandaid had been. My left arm hurts so badly I can hardly move it, or focus on much. All I want to do is to revert back into a space where someone else, Master or Sir, takes care of me and I don't have to handle the world. Not exactly a good thing for trying to handle a busy busy semester.

And this semester is insane. I feel like I'm going to fail, there is no way I can handle all this work. I have been working constantly with only a few breaks here and there for food, even today, even on Valentine's Day I'm working. I haven't had time to write, to really play and enjoy myself. I'm not sleeping well, I feel ill and headachy a lot and I just....can't do this. I can't. And it scares me shitless. I don't know what to do to make it better but I feel like its all hopeless. I just want to sleep and let the world go away, completely.

But Master did get me roses and I'm blessed to have him and Sir...to have a plan to move in together in the near future...to have so much. But I ....gah, weary.