Reflections of Love

I am behind again, on blogging.

Its hard to keep up with this when there is so much else going on in my life, so much else that needs, wants and takes my attention. What can I say I am a busy girl. But here, I am giving this blog over to love, to the Valentines Day that just passed, and to the new love of my life.

I have never had a Valentines Day before during which I was involved with someone, it just has never been for me, on the day of love and lovers it never felt right to be with someone I didn't love that way. The only person I ever loved in that manner was Eric and after he died, nearly five years ago now, just a few more days, Saturday, I didn't want to love anyone else.

I thought Eric was the one meant for me, he had grown up with me, as much as anyone could sense I moved around so much, he had been my strength and encouragement when I believed that all I had before me was death. He was my angel of mercy in so many ways, I still remember him, his strength and his love and belief in me. He is what has kept me going during times these past few years when I thought I had nothing left to live for. But he isn't here anymore. A friend last year, around this time, snapped at me actually, telling me that I should get over him, that it had been four years since his death and that I moped too much. How could I not when he is the one person in my life up to that point that I knew, with no questions or doubts, loved me for who I was and not for what I could give. He loved the person beneath the facade, the mask I gave the world and he never let me hide from him.

Its odd to think that now I am older then him, I'm nineteen while he never reached that age, he died shortly after his eighteenth birthday. I have my whole life ahead of me, his ended. Its bittersweet, to think of this, to know I will keep living and enjoying my life now thanks in many ways to him, and that he will never have that. But he would be happy for me, I know Eric would. He wanted me to live and to really live, not just be what I thought people wanted or expected. I know he wished he could give me the courage to live without the mask and the guarding walls and shields I built up between me and the world after it had hurt me so badly. But he couldn't give me that, no matter how much both of us wanted it. Because that strength had to come from inside me, not him. He gave me a gift of love and understand and acceptance. When I had it taken away, the one person who had offered that with no strings attached, with no hoops to jump through, the one person in my life who really did seem to care about me, even the horribly broken parts, I lost it. When he died I thought my world ended, I thought I would never love like I had loved him.

And in a way I won't, because he was my first love, he was the first man to ever be in my life in any major way. He was my first crush, the man I dreamed of growing up with and who I imagined when I waltzed with the air. But I never told him I loved him, I never kissed him, there is so much that lay between us, so much that happened, and yet at the same time, so much that did. Such an odd mix of things now that I reflect back upon it.

This last year I have found love in many ways. I have found friends who have been the balm to my soul.

-Jill, one of the most amazing people I have ever met who has never once, no matter how odd or silly I am, had an issue with me, who refuses to put up with any bs and is one of the most talented writers I know.

-Kate, one of the sweetest people I have ever had the honor to meet, a amazing and intelligent girl who looks up to me and made me realize that I could be an inspiration to others without being anything else other then what I am.

-My aunt and uncle in Texas, who give me the first real safety net and support system I have ever had. Who love me, parent me and worry about me, they have shown me love and care in ways I never dared to dream about. And they can't wait to have me come home again, yes, they have given me the one thing I have longed for my whole life, a real home.

-April, my best friend, my confidant about everything, the girl who knows me better then I know myself and is like the older sister I never had. She is smart, funny and caring.

-And Neil.

Neil, what to say about him? That is so hard to know, he is my heart now, mon couer, mon voluer, he stole my heart, my breath and my dreams. I can not imagine a day now that does not include him in some manner. He is with me with every breath that I breath and every step that I take, and I take them, toward him, toward our future together. Because to imagine my life without him in the years to come would be more painful then I could bear. There is fear there too, what if, what if he leaves, what if he dies, stolen from me in the way that Eric was. There is the fear of the 'curse' I have thought my life was tainted with, to lose all those I love. But now, now this year, and the year passed, I have learned to open up my heart, to accept more people in and to trust. I trust him with my dreams, with my future and I give him my forever.

To love is a great and terrible thing, its beauty is immense and the pain that could come, that hovers just waiting to descend is scary. But for the moments when we are together, when I am with those I love, with Jill, April, Kate and my family outside them, when I am with Neil, those moments of joy and peace and right, are worth every risk I take by loving them.

So from now on Valentines Day is going to be a day that is celebrated by me, not just for mon couer, my lover and future, but also for my family, my friends who are my soul's family. Because on the day of love, I rejoice in the love that has filled my life and showed me that while at times I may be lonely, I will never be alone.